Road Trip to Forks
by PaintedinAllColors
Summary: All our favorite and some of the most hated Vampire Diaries characters. One R.V. The Cullens. Add a few werewolves, one pint of vervain, thousands of gallons of O- blood, Klaus, and the Volturi. One recipe for a very weird, maybe even funny fanfic.
1. Chapter 1

Hello!

Di

* * *

><p>How had I been dragged into this? This horrible, blasphemous thing called a road trip? And I wasn't even driving. As I have explained to my dearest little brother Stefan so many times, when I get into a car, I <span>drive<span> it. Although, this R.V. doesn't really count as a car, but still. I hate being a passenger. I feel so emasculated right now. And, yes, I, Damon Salvatore am in a R.V. As in a recreational vehicle. Doesn't anybody know how horrible these things are? They cramp my style. Let's face it, badass vampires and R.V.'s do not mix.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love road trips, especially impromptu ones, but not when I have to sacrifice my awesomeness for them. I should have just said yes when I was asked, but I just had to open my big mouth and rudely say no. And, of course, me being me after all, I just had to give Katherine my oh-so-special one-fingered salute I saved just for her. Well, I don't really regret that part. Sue me if I hate the psycho bitch. And then, BAM! I get knocked out and when I wake up I'm in a freaking R.V. Goody for me. But here's the whopper: I was drugged with vervain for a road trip. This is insane; even though it's me they are dealing with. Then again, anything Katherine comes up with is bound to be as screwed up as she is. Especially when she's plotting with my bunny-killing little brother and his girlfriend who would be much better off with me. Actually, I'm kind of flattered my company was wanted so much I was drugged and forced to be here. Too bad it's Katherine that wants me here and not Elena. Like I said crazy, psycho, backstabbing, manipulating, bitch. And I'm an egotistical asshole. Stefan is the only vampire against vampirism, and I'm pretty sure Elena is the only human there. This is going to so fabulous, I'm going to have to be drunk 24/7 to enjoy it.

"Damon," Elena's voice dragged me out of my mental rant about Katherine and R.V.'s and back to the unfortunate reality.

"Yes, sweetheart," I asked, giving her my best sarcastic smirk.

"Um, Stefan said that we're stopping at-," she was cut off by the same psycho bitch from earlier.

"The bunny killer says we're stopping at a miniscule flyspeck of a town that nobody gives a damn about. So hurry up, pretty boy. Wouldn't want you to eat all the humans, now would we? That's my job." She stalked out of the room.

"What's with her?" I asked Elena.

"Apparently she doesn't like where we're headed very much," she replied.

"Good." I really hoped somebody would provide me with a sharp, pointy, preferably wooden object for me to stab her with. But I'm not nearly lucky enough to find a piece of wood that could be made into a stake. Maybe a fork would do. It wouldn't kill her, but it sure would do some damage. I imagined several scenarios that involved Katherine, pain, and torture.

"Damon. Are you okay? You kinda spaced out for a minute there," Elena said, smiling.

"I'm good. I was daydreaming about torturing Katherine with sporks," I replied, grinning.

"Too bad there aren't any sporks here. If there were, I would happily join in your fantasy about torturing her," Elena said, returning my smile. "Come on, let's go outside. Alaric is dying to use the bathroom." My face paled at the thought of where I had been dumped. Stupid Katherine. Stupid bathroom.

"Never speak of this. It'll ruin my rep," I told her. Elena rolled her eyes indulgently as she walked out.

"Thank you," my favorite amateur vampire slayer/teacher extraordinaire muttered, hurrying into the bathroom. I ignored him and stretched, enjoying the sound of my bones popping.

"Morning, little brother," I greeted Stefan, who was driving. "Killed any bunnies lately? They're too strong for ya now?"

"Hello, Damon," he said, sighing.

"Hello again, Mr. Doom-and-Gloom," I replied, walking towards the fridge and grabbing a baggie of O negative and a straw.

"We're stopping in about fifteen minutes, so hurry up with that," he said.

"No worries there," I said as I finished the rest of the blood. "where are we stopping?"

"A town called forks; we're in Washington state," he replied. I burst into laughter.

"Elena, would you be interested in shopping for sporks with me here?" I asked, stilled chuckling.

"Absolutely, Damon. But maybe we shouldn't have high expectations; I mean, what if the utensil that gives the town its name is the only one available?" she asked, smiling. I began laughing again.

"What are you laughing at, bathroom monopolizer? You were in there for three days." said Elena's little brother, Jeremy.

"You wouldn't get it if I told you," I replied. "By the way, how much vervain did you put into my system?"

"About a pint," Stefan said, holding back a smile. A pint? They had injected a pint of vervain into my bloodstream? No wonder I was out for so long.

"So we're in Washington?" I asked him. "I'm so proud of you! You broke a law! World, a monumental historic event has occurred! I hope you were paying attention, 'cuz it's probably never going to happen again!" I exclaimed.

"Shut up, Damon."

"Are we there yet?" Two voices asked at the same time. Caroline was here? And the werewolf Lockwood kid?

"How many people did you bring with us?" I asked incredulously.

"Only two. And we're here!" Stefan announced. I looked outside. It was…raining. A lot. And it looked dreary.

"It looks dreary," I said, sighing. Great. I had been here for less than a minute and the weather was already making we depressed. I was gonna need a lot of strong alcohol, 'cuz there's no way I was making it through this trip completely sober.


	2. Chapter 2

Me: Hiya! I think that this story might develop a plot after all! What do think? Eveyone who reviews, please say yes or no to a plot!

Damon: Just say the disclaimer already, dammit! Let's get to the good stuff. It's only good 'cuz it has me, anyway.

Me: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? GET OVER HERE, COWARD! I'LL KILL YOU OFF ONE DAY!

Jasper: PaintedinAllColors doesn'y own the Vampire Diaries or Twilight. Now I have to go stop them from murdering each other, so enjoy the story. 

* * *

><p>"Come on! This is the fourth store we've been to," I complained.<p>

"Maybe it would help if you told us what you two are looking for," Stefan stated.

"We are looking for sporks to murder your and Damon's vampire ex-girlfriend," Elena said. "And how the hell can it be so hard to find Sporks here?"

"Maybe it's a monopoly of the utensil that gave the town its name?" Jeremy asked.

"That's what I was thinking," Alaric said. "And if you really wanted to torture her, just soak them in vervain."

"Anyway, I'm starving. Let's go for lunch," Tyler grumbled.

"Excellent idea! There are a lot of people here, people who don't believe in vampires. And it's surrounded by the forest, so I'm sure I can pick out a delicious snack," I said, grinning. "Let's go."

It had stopped raining, but the sky was overcast and gray. I inhaled deeply, sniffing for someone who smelled slightly good. Nope, nope, too flowery, I counted off the various scents. And… there it was! The most delicious human I had ever smelled. I could see from Caroline, Stefan, and Katherine's faces that they smelled it too. I stalked towards the girl who smelled so mouthwatering. And I stopped. Some dude with big hair and a constipated look came out of the car behind her. And he was a vampire! What the hell? Stefan shrugged.

"We should follow them," he said. "See if they are a threat or not." I rolled my eyes. He sounded like some guy whose planet had just been invaded by aliens. "'See if they are a threat or not'". Honestly. He was right too. Damn it.

"What?" asked Jeremy.

"Vampires," Caroline said. "Other vampires."

"Just my luck. Everywhere I go is infested by vamps," Elena muttered. "Even this place." But she followed us anyway. Stefan and I traced his scent all the way back to a modern house. All the windows were large and made of glass. It was weird. The big haired guy didn't have a ring on, so why would he want to live in a glass house? Although it looks impossible, there must be some kind of sunlight here. It was so confusing.

"What now?" asked Stefan.

"Now, little brother, we knock on the door," I said, knocking on the door. "Plan B is we break the door down and enter by force."

"What?" a familiar voice asked through the door. "If you're selling something, we don't want it."

"Jazz, I told you they're not selling anything. It's an old friend of yours too, so stop being so unfriendly. Hey! Stop messing around with my emotions to make me not like the guy! I haven't even met him," a female voice complained.

"I don't feel like answering it," 'Jazz' complained. I knew that voice from somewhere. I just couldn't place it.

"Will one of you just get the door?" another female sighed.

"Why don't you get it, Rose?" challenged the first female voice.

"I'll get it," a deep baritone said. "And stop being so childish." The door opened to reveal a tall, muscled, buff guy wearing a white wife-beater and blue jeans. "Hello. I'm Emmett Cullen. How can I help ya?"

"I'm Damon Salvatore. This is my brother Stefan, his girlfriend Elena. The bitch who looks like Elena is my psycho ex, Katherine. Blondie is Caroline, guy with stubble is Alaric, other dark haired guy is Jeremy, Elena's cousin," I introduced us all.

"You're vamps too? And with three humans no less? You better not be another Edward. And why is there a werewolf with you?" Emmett asked.

"Yes, we're vamps. What is an Edward? And he only changes on the full moon," I replied.

"Cool. An Edward is an overprotective vampire," he explained.

"You have one too? So do we. And he's a goody two shoes to boot! His name's Stefan, but his full title is Stefan the Fearsome Bunny Killer," I said sarcastically.

"Shut up Damon," the bunny-killer spoke.

"Bunnies? Why not mountain lions? Or wolves?" he asked. "Or grizzlies?"

"'Cuz I don't want to be shredded," Stefan said.

"Come on in," Emmett said, gesturing inside. We stepped inside the house. It was airy, and light, and mostly painted white. There was a flat screen T.V., and a fluffy, beige couch. The stairs were mahogany, and there was a collage of graduation hats hanging on the stairs. Basically, it was bland. Where was the black? Where was the red?

"Time to meet my family. Rosalie is the tall, hot, amazing, sexy, blonde flipping through the channels. Alice is the short, pixie-like girl. Jasper's the curly blonde. Edward has big hair and a weird look on his face. Carlisle is in the kitchen with Jasper and Esme," he finished, leading us to the kitchen. Did he just say Jasper? Is it the same Jasper? There was no way he could have lived this long, but there are vampires, so…

"Carlisle, we have guests. Four vampires, one werewolf that only changes on the full moon, and three humans that know," Emmett introduced us to a man with blonde hair and a kind face.

"Damon! Is that you?" Jasper asked.

"No, I'm Brittney Spears," I deadpanned. Jasper grinned, and pulled me into a bear hug.

"It's definitely you," he said. "You haven't changed a bit."

"Sure, if having my heart mauled by a psychotic bitch, turning into a vampire, and drinking human blood don't count as changing, then I haven't changed at all," I replied sardonically.

"You two know each other?" Stefan asked.

"We were in the Confederate Army together, same regent," I said.

"And then you quit," he reminded me.

"Worst decision ever."

"It's still good to see you."

"All the girls say that. Don't go chick on me now, bro," I said.

* * *

><p><span>Thanks for bothering to read this. If you bothered to read it, then you should probably bother to review it, right? So please do, and vote plot or no plot for me! Also with or without Volturi and Klaus! Thanks you peoplezzzzzzzzz!<span>


	3. Chapter 3

Me: Wow, two updates in the same day! I'm amzed. Sometimes I'm too lazy to even bother to get out of bed, but two updates in one day...just WOW!

Damon: Do I get drunk yet? This place sucks, even if I get to reunite with one of my friends.

Stefan: YOU HAVE A FRIEND! How is that even possible!

Damon Shut up you idiot! People like me better!

Elena: That's 'cuz you're hotter than Stefan, because the human race is very shallow,and because girls like the bad boy look. What? It's true.

Me: Well, I guess I'm saying the disclaimer this time. I don't own the Vampire Diaries or Twilight! Enjoy~! And vote on the poll- Appleheads vs. Lemonheads!

* * *

><p>I was elated. As abnormal and un-Damon-like as it may seem, I was happy, and it did not involve alcohol, killing Katherine, and Elena finally realizing that I am way better than my bunny-killing brother. My best friend was back.<p>

"So, Jazz, who's your BFF?" asked the pixie named Alice.

"See, J, even Alice thinks you're going chick," I teased him, grinning. What a weird feeling, I thought absentmindedly. It was so weird. It was something I had never felt before…

"Jasper! Stop making him regret teasing you," Alice said sharply.

"So that's what that was!" I said triumphantly. "Regret! It's such a new feeling. I've never regretted anything before."

"Of course not," said Jasper. "The world may just end if Damon Salvatore did something he regretted."

"The world may end because of him royally screwing up anyway," said Katherine. "Let's face it people, Damon is always going to screw up."

"Yeah, like I did with you. And I mean that in both ways," I said to her.

"Pervert," muttered Elena.

"No, that's just Damon. And I have no idea what he means, or who you people are, so will somebody please explain this stuff to me?" Jasper said.

"Sure, but you're gonna need to sit down for this. I don't know if vampires can go into shock, and I sure as hell don't want to find out," I said.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"So your brother's girlfriend's evil twin is your ex, the oldest vamp ever is after both of them, and they will both die, and you're here on vacation?" Jasper asked, disbelievingly.

"No, I'm not here on vacation. I was drugged with vervain, kidnapped by a bunch of psychos, and locked in a R.V.'s bathroom. And I can't find any goddamn sporks. And if I was here on vacation, why the hell would I choose I place that I will have to be drunk 24/7 to enjoy. I know the sun burns me, but the rain is so depressing. There should be more lightning. But, yeah, you've got everything except that right," I finished my rant.

"Okay. Wow, you've done a lot in the past…I don't know how many years," Jasper grinned.

"Your turn now, J," I said in a sing-song voice.

"Alright, then. After you left, I was moved to Texas. I was transporting people when I was changed. The vampire that turned me was Maria, I stayed with her for some time, but it was a bloody lifestyle. I bet you would've enjoyed it. Anyway, I ran away, and met Alice. I stopped drinking human blood, and here I am now," Jasper summarized.

"You're right, he would enjoy that," Elena spoke up.

"And I never thought there were other kinds of vampires," Alaric said. "And they can't be killed by humans, either."

"Bummer, isn't it?" I said, tormenting him a little. Alaric just glared at me. At least tormenting people still had a somewhat good effect on my mood.

"Why would it be a bummer?" asked Jasper, confused.

"Because Alaric's my favorite vampire hunter/history teacher extraordinaire," I said playfully, enjoying the shocked looks.

"Don't worry, he's tame-OW!" I yelled after Rick stabbed me with a knife. "Not cool, dude. Just not cool."

"Neither are you," he replied. "And I stick to monsters that changed my wife."

"It's not my fault I practically ooze sex appeal," I protested.

"It's also not his fault he has absolutely zero self-control," Stefan said.

"Also not Damon's fault he's a heartless idiot," Elena piped up.

"And it's most definitely not his fault that he's a sadistic-,"

"Enough!" I interrupted Jeremy's rant. "I get it, and I enjoy being a sadist, by the way. I like having no control, and I'm heartless because I made myself that way. And if you want to blame someone for who I am, then blame Stefan! He's the one who turned me, against my will, may I add against my will. And he was the 'me' back then. I hated this life, and he loved it!" I walked out the door and slammed it loudly.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

The nerve of these people. They can't just judge me, even though I haven't given them very much good things to judge.

"Watch where you're going," said the constipated guy from earlier.

"Why don't you watch where you're going?" I snapped, shoving him away and stalking off. I was going to get wasted, and nothing was going to stop me.

"Ow! Dude, watch where you're going," snapped a tall Indian looking guy.

"Says the guy who bumped into me," I retorted.

"You walked straight into me, retard."

"Wow, you used a word that was more than six letters long! I didn't think you had it in you," I exclaimed.

"You asshole!"

"Bring it, pup," I said recklessly. The boy exploded. My jaw dropped. I had not seen that coming. Oh, wait, he changed into a wolf. I should probably run into the forest, I thought stupidly. I couldn't believe it. What the hell? I was acting like an idiot and I wasn't even drunk yet?

_You act like an idiot all the time, moron._

_Do not._

_Yes, you do._

_Do not._

_Do too._

"I DO NOT!" I yelled. "Oh, did I say that out loud? Sorry, I was having an internal debate with myself." The wolf changed back into a guy. A naked guy. I looked away.

"Are you high?" the kid asked.

"No."

"Drunk?"

"I was going to remedy that when I ran into you."

"Are you on crack?"

"That's the same as asking if I'm high! The answer is still no, by the way." God, this guy was stupid.

"Did you recently break out from an insane asylum?"

"No, dammit! I might be unstable, but I am not insane!" I screamed at him.

"Sorry to break it to ya, but being unstable is pretty much the same as being insane. Who are you, anyway?"

"No, it's completely different. And I am Damon Salvatore, pissed off vamp because I was prevented from getting wasted by you," I said.

"Okay, then. I'm Paul, werewolf who still thinks there's something wrong with you," he introduced himself. "You can go get drunk off your ass now."

"Thank you," I mumbled, walking past him. "Where's the bar?"

"We don't have one."

"WHAT? What place has nowhere alcohol can be served?" I yelled in disbelief.

"This one. I think the Cullens have some vodka," he offered.

"Figures." I began to trudge back to the noodle house, as I privately called it. "Of course the place doesn't have a bar. No duh. Now I know Stefan why picked out this town to go to, out of all places. He wants me to die sober and unhappy. Moron."

* * *

><p><span>Review, I beg of you! Pretty please with Damon and Elijah and Klaus and Stefan shirtless on top! That sounds pretty good, actually...<span>


	4. Chapter 4

Me: Hello, people who actually read this stuff! Okay, self-deprecating humor aside, I want to thank:

Emziekinz: Thanks for the compliment, and YOUR STORY IS AMAZING! I love that idea.

Pretty-Tweety: Glad you thought it was fun!

mellyb223: You have actually been to my house. It would weird if you didn't know where I live by now, and thanks for the review!

DeathDaisy:Thanks for the idea! I used it, and it turned out really well. I'm sorry I didn't get to do this before.

Me: Okay, that replying to reviews is done for now. Next the-

Damon: The story! Finally! Can't you just get on with it?

Me: Shut up Damon. I gave you the nickname Bunnicula, so be grateful!

Damon Yeah, it's a pretty good nickname for Stefan. The whole you are what you eat thing, and all. 

Me: Exactly.

Edward; Just get on with it already! This is taking forever! I'll say the disclaimer. PaintedinAllColors doesn't own the Vampire Diaries or Twilight! There, I said it! Now this ridiculously long whatever you call it is finally over!

Damon&Me: Hey... We like this pointless banter at the beginning of the chapter! Don't hate on us man.

* * *

><p>"Hello, again, people and vamps who really don't like me, love me, or like me as a friend," I greeted everyone.<p>

"Damon, usually you don't come back after you storm out angrily," Stefan the Thumper Slayer pointed out helpfully.

"Well, I ran into an idiot who exploded into a wolf, told me his name, and showed me pity. Where's the vodka?" I asked.

"Cupboard on the left, top shelf," Emmett said with practiced ease. I nodded my insincere thanks and grabbed the bottle.

"Who are you?" the constipated guy from before asked me.

"I think the question here is why do you look so constipated?" I shot back, taking a swig of the vodka. I burned down my throat, but in a good way. Mr. Constipated looked a bit taken aback by my answer.

"Damon, are you drunk?" asked Jasper.

"No, this is just me when I'm pissed off," I replied cheerfully. Stefan just rolled his eyes.

"Do you drink human blood?" asked the kind one.

"Bunnicula over there doesn't, but I do," I said, grinning stupidly.

"Stop doing that, you look like an idiot," Katherine grumbled.

"Must be contagious; I think I've been spending too much time with you people. Let's just hope ugly isn't contagious too; I don't want any of you to ruin this," I said, pointing to myself.

"We don't drink human blood either," said the tiny one.

"Poor Bambi and Thumper," I muttered.

"Nah, more like poor Brother Bear and Simba," Emmett said, naming characters from Disney.

"Ah. I think Stefan could use some tips from you guys. Y'know, go for some tougher prey. Macho man and such," I said, waving my arms around for effect. "I think the weather is messing with my head. I'm used to sun, even though I will burn if I go in it."

"You burn? Then why are you used to the sun?" asked the kind one.

"'Cuz a witch enchanted rings to protect us," my hated ex replied. "But what happens to you people when you go into the sun?"

"We sparkle." I burst out laughing.

"Seriously? Wow, nature must hate you," I said, still chuckling. "If I was you, I would be worried about my masculinity." Meanwhile, I noticed Katherine was smirking evilly.

"Who's Klaus?" asked Mr. Constipated.

"The guy who wants to kill my brother's girlfriend. Why do you want to know?" I asked him lazily swirling what was left of the vodka in the bottle.

"Is he usually this infuriating?" asked Rosalie.

"Amazing as it may seem, you haven't seen him when he's in top form yet. This is nothing compared to how annoying he usually is," Alaric said.

"Klaus is an Original, he's the first vampire ever made," an all too familiar voice said apathetically.

"Elijah!" Elena exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious? He's either a) stalking you, which I wouldn't put past him, or b) bringing really, really bad news. Or c) which is teaching us all a vamp history lesson," I said, rolling my eyes.

"I am not a stalker," Elijah said affronted. Ah, well, I can't kill him, so I might as well annoy him.

"Sure, you're not."

"And I do have bad news. Klaus is coming here," he stated.

"But the doppelganger has to be killed in their birthplace," Katherine said.

"Yes, but Klaus needs one more thing to sacrifice. The vampires known as the Cold Ones, and werewolves that have the freedom to shapeshift whenever they want," he stated.

"Who the hell is Klaus? What is a doppelganger? Why does he need us? How do the wolves fit into all of this?" Edward asked all at once, furrowing his eyebrow. He looked super weird doing that.

"Stop that!" Elijah snapped. "Do not dare try to intrude my mind, or I will show you the true power of an Original."

"You forgot where," I pointed out.

"Klaus is my brother. Our mother bore seven children, but Klaus was only my half-brother. She had had an affair with someone of a werewolf bloodline, and that was Klaus's father. My father killed him, igniting the war between werewolves and vampires. Klaus is a hybrid; half werewolf, half vampire. He wants to unlock his werewolf side and sire a new race. However, the witches could not allow such an imbalance of power, and they cursed him, and made his werewolf side dormant. He needs Elena, who is the doppelganger of the original Katherine Pierce. The Katherine you see here turned herself to escape Klaus," Elijah finished, summing up our brief history lesson. _As weird as it may sound, I actually enjoyed the story. Or maybe it was the alcohol talking. Nah, it'd take a lot more than that to get me drunk. _

"Didn't Klaus challenge the Volturi along with the other Originals?" asked the kind one…what's his name again? Oh, right Carlisle.

"Yes. He wanted to see if they could help him find the doppelganger. But when they heard it was his fault they sparkled, the Volturi turned us away," Elijah replied.

"I'll be back," I said, walking out the door. I had the sudden urge to teach history. It was so odd, and I knew it was definitely me talking. I drink so much, it's gonna take a lot more than that to get me drunk. I speeded to the school, where I found someone walking to their car.

"Hello," I said, turning on the charm.

"H-hello," replied the woman. I smiled seductively; I could hear her heart race.

"Are you the history teacher here?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Okay. Then, you are taking a two month vacation to Hawaii," I said, compelling her.

"Okay."

"I'll be your replacement until I tell you to return," I said. "Go arrange it, and forget I suggested this to you. You always wanted to do it, and you finally decided," I said, speeding back to the noodle house.

"What did you just do, Damon?" asked Stefan.

"Don't worry, Bunnicula, I haven't killed anyone," I replied. "What day is it?"

"It's Sunday," Alice replied. "Mr. Salvatore. You don't need a suit or anything, don't worry."

"Thank you, Alice," I said grinning at her.

"Damon, what did you just do?" queried Elena.

"Spontaneous me just decided I'm your new history teacher," I said, grinning.

* * *

><p><span>I just had to do that to make up for the seriousness. Review.<span>


	5. Chapter 5

Me: I'm back! And I want to thank HokuesKaeru49 for reviewing! I'm glad I made you laugh!

Damon: Hey, can we get to the story now? This stuff is pointless until I come into it and talk.

Me: Damon, I will kill you off one day.

Damon: WHY? Everyone's killing me! You, the writer's of the Vampire Diaries! WHY!

Elijah: I was killed way more times than you. I died two or three times!

Me: Yeah...

Edward: Why do you people always do this? I'LL SAY THE DISCLAIMER BECAUSE THE SOONER THIS IS OVER THE BETTER! PaintedinAllColors DOES NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR THE VAMPIRE DIARIES!11

Elijah: Why does he not like this moronic banter? It's kind of fun.

Me&Damon: I have no idea. Weirdo.

* * *

><p>"A what?" I said to Alice, raising my eyebrows.<p>

"A party, Damon. Dancing, fun," she rolled her eyes while explaining it.

"Alcohol?" I asked, perking up a bit.

"Sure. So you'll do it?" she asked hopefully.

"Fine," I groaned. "But you better have lots and lots of alcohol. I was unable to get wasted before." Alice grinned in victory.

"Okie! So I'll just make some food, and Jasper can get some alcohol, and then we can have the party in about half an hour!" Alice exclaimed happily.

"J, you're whipped," I said, smiling at him.

"Shut up, Damon. And be grateful I'm getting anything for you to drink," he grumbled.

"Jasper, you have my one minute gratitude and I give you my very insincere thanks," I proclaimed loudly.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"This is good music!" I yelled at Alaric. I danced by myself for a little, but it was so awkward. Not that I gave a damn, but I needed a partner. And I knew exactly who I was going to dance with. It was the one thing that had never failed me. The song changed to Blame It on the Alcohol, and I laughed at the irony, considering what I was going to dance with. I grabbed a bottle of scotch, and swayed to the music, holding it close.

"What are you doing?" Jasper yelled at me.

"Dancing," I shouted back.

"With a bottle of scotch?" he asked.

"I think I'm in love," I replied tipsily.

"Okay, then. I think you've had enough of that," he said, tugging on my beloved alcohol.

"But I'm not even properly wasted yet!" I complained.

"Fine," Jasper conceded. I gave him my face-splitting victory smirk.

"What are you smiling about?" asked the guy I had run into earlier. The exploding one, that is.

"Jasper didn't take my beloved away!" I showed him the bottle.

"Are you drunk?" he asked.

"Not yet. Maybe a few more drinks," I said.

"High?"

"No drugs. They smell bad."

"Are you on crack?"

"Is this gonna happen every time I see you?" I asked.

"If you keep acting like you are now," Paul replied.

_Like what?_ I wondered.

_Like a moron._

_I do not act like a moron._

_Yes, you do._

_Do not._

_Do too._

_Do not._

_Screw you, inner voice._

_You do, and you know it._

_I do not._

_Sure. Ask someone._

"Fine!" I yelled. "Another internal debate."

"Ah."

"ALARIC! Do I act like a moron?" I screamed.

"Yes, yes you do."

"NOOOOO! The voice was right!" I yelled in despair.

"Yeah, you've definitely had enough of this," Jasper said, grabbing my beloved alcohol.

"Yeah, you're probably right. I'm gonna go annoy Elijah now," I stated matter-of-factly. Yeah, I had definitely had enough if I didn't argue about that.

"Elijah! What's up?" I asked him when I saw him.

"Are you drunk?" he asked, confused.

"Maybe. So, what's up? You look jaded," I observed.

"Jaded? Well, yes, I suppose I am jaded. Where did you learn that word? It seems a bit…advanced for your limited vocabulary," he said, looking at me.

"Hey! And I learned it by listening to Evanescence's song, Call Me When You're Sober," I said indignantly. "And I'm plenty smart. I just choose to act like a moron. Dammit! That voice was right! And I admitted it, too."

"Call Me When You're Sober? Sounds like something Elena would say to you," he said, smirking.

"Well, if she had told me that, do you really think I'd be here talking to an old guy?" I asked.

"I am not that old! I'm only a thousand years old," he said, annoyed.

"Saying that isn't going to help you win this argument," I told him bluntly.

"…"

"So, is Klaus really coming here?" I asked him, suddenly serious.

"Yes, he is."

"Dammit. I thought you'd made that up just to get rid of Katherine. But I guess it's good, because if you had I would have to thank you," I shuddered.

"Why'd you suddenly decide to be a teacher?" he asked me.

"I wanted to mold young minds, be a positive influence and that crap," I informed him.

"You, a positive influence? Yeah, right," Bunnicula said, rolling his eyes. "Let's not get too caught up in the world of fantasy."

"Yeah, you're right. So I'll be a negative influence on the kids!"

"Shut up, Damon." He walked away. I chuckled. But when I realized what I was doing, I immediately stopped. I would not be caught chuckling by anyone. At least it wasn't as bad a giggling. Is it even possible for men to giggle? Guess Stefan and Constipo(you know, the one with big hair and a delicious girlfriend) are lesbians, then. I laughed at that one.

"What are you laughing about?" Elijah asked me.

"I was wondering if men can giggle, and then I remembered hearing Bunnicula and Constipo giggling, so I figured they're lesbians," I explained my thoughts.

"You don't censor yourself, do you?"

"Nope!" To my surprise, Elijah actually laughed at that.

"Could you get me some vodka?" he asked.

"Get it yourself, I'm busy," I grumbled.

"Doing what?" he asked me.

"Trying to remember where the alcohol cabinet is. Wanna help me look?" I told him.

"Sure."

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"BLAME IT ON THE GOOSE!" I screamed, dancing around the room.

"GOT YA FEELING LOOSE!" Elijah yelled, just as loudly.

"BLAME IT ON THE A-A-A-A-A-ALCOHOL!" we shouted in unison.

"I forgot the other part," I said sadly.

"Let's barbeque something," Elijah suggested. We staggered outside.

"Hiya, everybody!" we screamed.

"Are you drunk?" the exploding guy asked me.

"Most definitely. And I thought you were gonna stop asking me that every time you see me," I frowned.

"We're gonna barbeque," Elijah said happily drunk.

"With that amount of alcohol in your system, if you two go anywhere near an open flame, you'll be the things that get barbequed," Alice stated.

"I'll get the matches!" Constipo offered.

"Maybe barbequing isn't such a good idea," I said, hiccupping.

"But I wanna barbeque," Elijah said, pouting.

"Me too, but these meanies won't let us cuz we might spontaneously combust. To hell with self-preservation, WE WANNA BARBEQUE!" I yelled.

"I'll compel them. I'll show them the power of an Original!" Elijah cried. He took two steps and then collapsed.

"Well, we know one power Originals don't have- the power to hold their liquor," I said, looking at his prone form.

"Wait, he was drunk?" asked Stefan incredulously.

"Yep! We finished all the alcohol in your secret stash and got absolutely and completely wasted~!" I said cheerily.

"This is our teacher?" Edward asked. "He's so irresponsible."

"You're my student? You're so responsible, uptight, and you really should get rid of the rotating thorn covered stick up your ass. I don't think its very healthy to have one there permanently," I told him.

"You realize you have clas tomorrow, right?" Jasper asked me.

"And?"

"You cleaned out the liquor cabinet."

"Oh, I'll just grab a garage mechanic or something to cure my hangover," I dismissed him. "I'm glad Elijah passed out."

"Why?" asked Emmett.

"I get to finish the last bottle of vodka!"

* * *

><p><span>Well, I finally got off my lazy butt and updated~! Hope ya enjoyed! And you really should review. It helps me write.<span>


	6. Chapter 6

Me: I HAVE OVERCOME THE WRITER'S BLOCK! People, meet the SEXTA CHAPTER! 

Grimmjow: Doesn't have the same ring to it...

Me: What the hell? You aren't in any of the stories.

Grimmjow: But I am one of your fav characters. War and destruction out.

Damon: ... So, how do I corrupt soceity in this chapter?

Me: In many ways, Damon.

Damon: Do I get wasted or laid?

Me: Ladies, you need to know two thing about human men. They need sex, booze, and food. Vamps just need blood in addition to those to. Painted-chan out.

Edward: She doesn't own The Vampire Diaries or Twilight.

Damon: And you don't look like a constipated guy with a rotating, thorn covered stick up your ass.

Edward:...

* * *

><p>"I'm ready for my first day, Saint Stefan," I said, greeting Bunnicula.<p>

"Why a history teacher?" he asked me.

"'Cuz it's violent," I replied, snagging a blood bag from his hand.

"Of course. Anyway, where's Elijah?" he wondered.

"He left, yelling something about Vegas," Alice said. "Is that human blood?" Her eyes widened.

"No, it's fruit punch in a beautiful, extremely realistic-looking replica of a bag of donated blood," I said sarcastically. "And it can be yours for only $19.99 plus shipping and handling. Call now and we'll double the offer, and add a keychain, a $9.99 value for free!"

"So you can drink human blood without killing anyone?" she asked.

"Duh, but I promised not to go around munching on people, and since I refuse to stoop to Bunnicula's level, this is the next best thing. Mix it with a bit of bourbon, and its amazing," I gave her the recipe for Damon's Super Sexy, Ultra Amazing, Awesome, Perfect, Hot, Incredible, Dreamy Blood Mix, which was just like me, but less super sexy, ultra amazing, awesome, perfect, hot, incredible, and dreamy.

"Okay, but we can't drink that without going insane and turning people in vampires," she said.

"Well, I am actually glad Katherine turned me. It would so undermine my sexiness if I sparkled like you wimps," I told her.

"You'll be late in about five minutes."

"Okay, I'm heading out to work. See ya at school!" I waved goodbye and speeded away to the school.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"So, class, please update me on what the hell are you doing now in this boring class that I always fell asleep in when I was in school?" I asked, grinning like a maniac. Some of the students smiled at my comment, while some were staring at me, courtesy of my super sexiness. Others were yawning and when the yawned, they made me think about yawning. I remember some dude told me that when you read about yawning, you feel the urge to yawn. I never really yawned except in history class, and why do people feel the urge to yawn when reading about yawning. I feel lots of other urges, but almost never the urge to yawn. I stifled a yawn. _I must be in a yawn-y mood today_. I saw several people yawn as well. _I think I understand why people are often compared to sheep. I'm gonna barbeque lamb when I get back_, I thought to myself.

"We're doing the Civil War," a girl with huge boobs spoke up. Is it even possible for a teenager to have that large a chest?

"How are you doing it? It happened about…it happened a long time ago. And I don't think it's possible to have sex with an event," I told her, flashing a smile.

"I-I, uh," she stammered, blushing.

"'S fine, I was just kidding," I told her. How innocent. I thought for sure that she'd be a slut. "Anyway, let's not do that. I think the Civil War is one of the most boring subjects on Earth. I mean it was interesting, but the textbooks make it sound so apathetic and boring. Instead, we will have an improv kind of thing based on the Civil War. I want to see what you lazy bums come up with," I said randomly. I might be reading too much Shakespeare. He was good, but why was I suddenly making a class of high school kids do this?

_You're doing it because they'll look like idiots._

_Oh, hello irritating voice. That sounds like something that I would do. Well, that and I want to see what crap the government is feeding these kids._

_True. Its lies, man._

_Why do you sound like Hyde from That 70's Show?_

_You actually watch that?_

_…_

Unbelievable. I was beaten by something that didn't even exist.

"So glasses and afro, you will be a Confederate soldier at a bar," I pointed to someone.

"My name's Lonnie," he said, sounding annoyed.

"You've got spunk. I like it," I said.

"You, blonde bimbo, you're a Union soldier at the same bar as Lonnie," I said.

"Me?" asked Rosalie, offended.

"No, the guy behind you and two seats to the left," I said.

"Mike," the kid offered. "And I don't think the soldiers went to bars."

"Of course they did. What crap have these people been teaching you? They're men, they need two things to function outside of the necessary others: alcohol and sex," I said. "And men in the eighteen hundreds were no different. Believe me, there were a lot of single men in the army, and they wanted to get laid." The class laughed a little, especially the boys, who probably knew that it was true.

"Well, you're both a bit drunk, and you're at the same bar. Lonnie insults the Union, and you react," I told them. "Show me what you think would have happened."

"Uh, the Union is so dumb?" Lonnie said, stammering. It came out as a question. I would have to teach these people how to insult somebody.

"What the hell was that?" I asked him, frowning. "That's the worst insult I have ever heard! A five year old could do better."

"Well, I can't curse, so…," he trailed off.

"Oh. Okay, you guys can curse as much as you like," I said. "Retake."

"The Union is full of blundering retards! They don' know what the fuck they're doin'," Lonnie said, slurring his words like a real drunk person.

"Wha' the hell're you talkin' 'bout?" Bimbo said, staggering.

"How fuckin' dumb the Union is," Lonnie replied. Bimbo punched him in the face.

"Don' talk 'bout the North tha' way, ya Southern bastard," Bimbo said angrily.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" I cheered, clapping. "Go to the nurse, Lonnie, and if your parents have a problem, send them to me. And I think we're just about out of time. Goodbye, and you're homework is to research what the Civil War was really like, and I want an essay, four thousand words, on my desk by tomorrow!"

"You're young, you must know what homework's like," pleaded a girl.

"Yeah, but since I'm a sadistic bastard, I want to torture you people with lots of it," I told them, smiling. Most of them grinned back at me, and I think I just inspired several of them to become teachers. The next class began to file in quietly.

"Hello, I am your sub today and hopefully for no longer than two months because this kinda sucks," I greeted the class. Ooh, Constipated Man was here. They all sat down, and looked at me in confusion. This'll be fun.

"Okay, I know you're doing the Civil War, and because the last class didn't know crap, I will be doing something else. A discussion, I think," I told them. "Um, do any of you think that Edward Cullen looks really constipated?" A few people raised their hands hesitantly.

"Being polite will not get you very far in a fun life," I said. "I will pick on all of you, so don't be worried about being singled out, Ms. Cullen." The class snickered at that. I guess they didn't like him any more than I did. And it looks like he didn't know that.

"Let me tell you something, Cullen," I said, walking up to him. "You're an uptight prick that so obviously has a rotating, poison spine covered stick up your ass." I enjoyed the look on his face as he said that. "I have no idea how Rick does this, but I sure as hell wont. Do whatever the hell you want. Just don't annoy me."

"I like this guy," I heard a kid say.

"Yeah, I guess I won't get my beauty sleep in history class anymore," someone replied. I grinned. This was gonna be fun.

* * *

><p><span>Me: TA-DA! Hope you enjoyed~!<span>


	7. Chapter 7

Me: After a ridiculously long time, I AM BACK! Sorry. Finals are draining my creativity. But apparently not my super odd dreams. Part of this chapter was actually part of a dream I had last night. Guess which part, and you'll win a sneak peek at the sequel of Road Trip To Forks. Hells yeah, I'm making a sequel! But only when this is over. Or maybe not... Anyway, on with the disclaimer. And today, to do the disclaimer, I have none other than...

Elijah: PEEPLZZZ~!~! Wazzupzzzz? 

Me: Don't be so loud, fool.

Elijah: PaintedinAllColors owns Bleach and Fullmetal Alchemist.

Me: I knew I shouldn't have let you near the vodka in the last chapter...

Stefan: He didn't even get it right...

Me: I know. Say it?

Stefan: Okies. PaintedinAllColors doesn't own the Vampire Diaries or Twilight. However, she does own a picture of the logo for the new Green Day album.

Me: Yep~! It's an awesome logo! But it has pink. Maybe I should have put 'PaintedinAllColorsExceptPink' as my penname. I detest pink.

Damon: It doesn't have the same ring to it. *hugs Painted-chan*

Me: O.O

Stefan:O.O

Alaric: He's finally lost it. 

* * *

><p>"I think we should have a discussion about one thing in this class today: the Chupacabra. Now, who here believes in it?" I asked. This was my last class, thank God. Yeah, it's that bad. A few kids raised their hands. "Okay, who thinks it's all a scam?" More kids raised their hands. "Who here has no idea what the hell it is?" Most of the class raised their hands at that one, including the most delicious snack I have ever smelled. She was kinda ugly, though, so I shall not eat her. I don't want anything ugly corrupting this super sexy body. "Well, you're all morons. Deal with it. I have another idea, and please don't bore me to death. I'm not that old, people. I know the horrors of History; I failed it because I fell asleep as soon as the teachers started talking."<p>

"Then why are you a teacher?" asked some girl I don't give a crap about.

"Impromptu decision, I wanted to corrupt society, and I wanted to torture children with large amounts of homework," I shrugged.

"Okay, then," the girl said, sounding less assured of my sanity. I get that a lot. Can you believe it?

"Well, the first class drained my creativity, so do whatever you want, but bug me and I'll kick you out and make you write a ten page essay on the Battle of Gettysburg," I told them, walking to my desk.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"How was work?" asked Elena, smiling.

"I have been purged of all sin that I have committed and ever will commit," I announced melodramatically, flopping down on to the couch in the Noodle House. It could also be called the Bland Mansion, or the Place of Unseasoned Pasta. So very many choices. "And how the hell does Rick manage to do this every day?"

"I don't, I live for vacation," Rick said, walking up to me and tossing me a bottle.

"There's still some left?" I asked. "I thought Elijah and I finished it all."

"You did, they just bought more," he said. "And we need to discuss Klaus."

"What about him?" I asked.

"Well, he's trouble," Rick replied. "He isn't good news for you, Elena." I promptly burst out laughing.

"What the hell?" Rick asked, confused.

"Ditto," Elena said.

"Sorry, but you guys sounded like you were discussing your latest biker boyfriend with your dad. And considering Alaric and Jenna are an item-. Wait a second. Did I just apologize?" I asked, shocked.

"Holy crap! Damon apologized?" Stefan exclaimed.

"I never really understood the point of that statement. If it's holy, then why the hell is it being excreted like that?" I wondered.

"You used a big word! Who are you and thank you for replacing my brother!" Stefan yelled. I slapped him. Hard.

"What the hell, man?" he said.

"I am the real Damon!" I wailed. "Okay. No. Just no. This is way to much like those pansy-ass soap operas you watch Stefan. And how did I only last night make a joke about you being a lesbian? I must be getting sick. Or dying. Is that even possible? What if I'm losing my mind?"

"You lost it a long, long time ago," Jasper said, flashing into the room. "And the hunter has a pretty good point. What are we gonna do about Klaus when he gets here?"

"When I get here? But I'm already here," a voice said. It was even more sardonic and laconic than mine.

"HOW DARE YOU, YOU STUPID ASSHAT!" I yelled at Klaus. "You stole my voice! Get your own you goddamn copycat!"

"What are you talking about?" he asked, confused. Yeah, no one can deal with my temperamental emotions.

_Temperamental? You're like a girl that's fucking PMS'ing._

_Go away, asshat._

_What is that, your new favorite swear word?_

_God, you're irritating._

_No, I'm you._

_Go screw yourself._

_You know you just insulted yourself, right?_

"Dammit!" I yelled. "That idiot voice made me insult myself!"

"You have that too?" Klaus asked me.

"Yeah. Pain in the ass," I said.

"And then it tells you that you're talking about yourself, right?" he asked excitedly.

"Yeah!"

"I thought I was the only one who that happened to! I'll leave you alive; you're actually quite entertaining. Just step aside after I capture the Cold One, the shifter, and the doppelganger," he flashed a lazy smile in my direction. I was about to tell him to fuck off, but then-BAM! A giant rock dropped from the ceiling and on to Klaus.

"Man, that was random," Jasper said.

"Totally. You wanna drag him out from under there to kill him?" I asked.

"Sure." And with that, we dragged the unconscious victim of the boulder from underneath it. He seemed pretty okay, but you never could tell.

"Is he awake?" asked Edward from behind Elena, who promptly shoved him away.

"Man up, Edith," I said, grinning.

"That's not the female form of Edward, retard," he glared.

"So you're not denying that you're a girl and a lesbian. I wonder if your yummy girlfriend knows?" I said. Really, it was just so much fun to annoy him. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Stefan laughing at the unfortunate Edda. Nah, that's not it. Oh, well. I'll keep trying.

"OI! You awake?" Jasper yelled at the victim.

"Allow me, please," I said. I slapped him across the face. "Wake up, you bastard. I need your help to reveal the true Edna in the self-proclaimed 'Edward'. Really, a young lady shouldn't be into such kinky stuff like cross-dressing." I guess my particular brand of humor must have been the perfect remedy. It was either that or Elijah diving off the roof and at him, dislodging the rock fragment from his heart. Personally, I think it was my awesome humor.

"Yo, you sober, Elijah?" I asked.

"Nah, still drunk off my ass. Wanna barbeque now?" he asked hopefully. This was just too funny. How the hell could such an old man be such a lightweight?

"SHUT UP, YOU FREAK!" Klaus yelled.

"Inner voice?" I asked, somewhat sympathetically.

"Yep. So you want me to help you reveal Constipa's true self?" he asked.

"What the hell?"Edisha asked. No, definitely not. "Why do people call me a girl?"

"I called him Constipo when I first met him," I told Klaus.

"I have amnesia," he said. "But this is awesome! And no guy wears jeans that tight."

"So true. I think we're gonna be good, good friends," I offered him my hand.

"Hell yeah," he took it, and I helped him up. I think that, in that very moment, a strong bond was formed and all that spiritual crap.

"Wanna get wasted?" I asked him.

"Again, hell yeah," he said, grinning at me. Finally, someone who understands me.

"What the hell is going on here?" asked the perfect snack.

"Did you know your 'boyfriend' is a lesbian?"

* * *

><p><span>Me: Haha, didn't see that coming, didja? Hope ya enjoyed, dearest sheepies~! Review!<span>


	8. Chapter 8

Me: I have update, even though I'm knid of miffed nobody reviewed the last chapter. But still, it's the end of the year, and most people would have exams or finals or stuff, ya know? But first, I want to thank the following reviewers:

** HokusKaeru49: Thanks for reviewing, and I got the plot idea. But it might be the most ridiculous and subtle plot ever!**

** SunMoon206: I'm not really sure about the pairings yet, but I kind of have an idea...**

** Rasberry Parfait: Me too, so, even though this chapter is slightly insane and may leave you all doubting my sanity, you shall be in Damon's History class~! I was going to do what you suggested, but I kind of got carried away. It tends to happen to me a lot. But we'll see his opinion in the next couple of chapters, I think.**

** AngelofDarkness95: Glad you think I'm funny. It comes when you have to cheer up your friends most of the time.**

Damon: Heyya~!

Klaus: Me and Damon have so much in common! We both know you exist!

Me: Who dares to doubt my existance?

Damon&Klaus:Edward.

Me: Of course.

Edward: WHERE AM I?

Me: I'm PaintedinAllColors, a.k.a. Painted-chan.

Edward: You're not real!

Me: You've appeared in the disclaimer before!

Edward: I thought that was a dream!

Me: Damn you to hell, you uptight princess!

Damon&Klaus: O.O

Me: Don't piss me off.

Stefan: Yeah, she's mad enough that she doesn't own the Vampire Diaries and Twilight.

Me: No, not really. I'm mad at my friend's ex, but that is a whole different story. 

Damon: Cool, we're alike in so many ways~! I'm mad at my ex too!

Me: Don't have one, dude.

Damon: Well, we're both mad at an ex, anyway.

* * *

><p>"What the hell?" Edja's perfect snack, fun to play, not to eat, asked me.<p>

"Your 'boyfriend's' a lesbian," I stated.

"He's a guy."

"You sure about that?" Klaus interjected, smiling deviously. Ah-ha! Super sexy smirk double attack! I unleashed my most sexiest look at her.

"You look as constipated as Edward. And how is he a lesbian? If he's a guy then he's gay," she stated.

"I don't look constipated," Edla protested.

"Yes you do," everyone told him. Including his girlfriend.

"Stefan may be somewhat like Edward, but he's better in every way," Klaus said. "And Damon's better than him."

"Thank you, my dearest memory wiped Original," I said graciously.

"And I'm better than Damon," he said.

"Oh no you didn't," I said, a sentiment that was, for once, in harmony with that of my unstable inner voice.

_Which reflects that you're unstable._

_You're losing your bite. Everyone know that._

"Oh, yes I did," Klaus said, narrowing his eyes.

"What are you, a cat?" I asked.

"Okay, I don't know how you came up with that, and I don't want to," Klaus told his newfound friend. "Can we go get wasted now?"

"Yeah. Let's leave la perfecta snacka to deal with her girlfriend," I agreed, and, in a flash, I was out the door, followed by Klaus.

"La perfecta snacka, huh?" Klaus observed.

"Yup."

"Cool."

"Thanks."

"Watch where you're going!"

"Ah hell, not you again!" I complained.

"You think you're the only one who's thinking that?" the exploding boy asked.

"Touche."

"Hey, just wondering here, are you straight?" he asked suddenly.

"Yes, why?" I replied.

"You're walking to the forest with a hot guy."

"You think I'm hot?" Klaus butted in.

"You're gay?" I asked the exploding, oh this takes forever. "What's your name?"

"Paul. I told you this ten times already."

"Sorry, I don't remember ugly people's names," I apologized.

"Quiet, foolish weaklings," Klaus said. "So are you?"

"Yep. The whole you are what you-,"

"Ah, I get it," I said.

"So you're a girl," Paul said, grinning.

"And you're an asshole," I replied.

"Touche."

"Enough French already!"

"Sorry."

"So are you going to get drunk again?" Paul asked.

"What do you think?" I replied.

"Yes. Now see ya," he said, leaving.

"Weird," Klaus observed.

"Very. We didn't have the whole 'are you high/drunk/on crack/ have you recently broken out of an insane asylum?' conversation like always. It was extremely odd to talk to him and not have that conversation," I told Klaus.

"You're odd."

_He's right. And looks like I don't have to bother to burn you in anyway, the exploding werewolf guy and the Original with amnesia do it for me._

_What, losing creativity are we?_

_No, being stuck in your head is draining it._

_'Cuz you have to use all your sarcastic and witty remarks as soon as you come up with them. I guess you lost your list._

_List of what?_

_Of witty, sarcastic remarks that you got from the Internet._

_There's no Internet connection in your brain, stupid. _

_Really?_

_Yeah, it's kinda sad. I wasn't actually expecting this._

_I know. You called me stupid, but you also said I had a brain._

_Grrr…_

_I won._

_No. And don't you think you should see a doctor?_

_No. Why?_

_You're having an insult war with something in you head._

_And your point is? Klaus has it too._

_Well he's over a thousand years old, and he's certifiably insane._

_So?_

_GO TO A PSYCHIATRIST!_

_Like who? Painted-chan's cousin? Or Painted-chan?_

_Who's Painted-chan?_

_The person who I hugged and she made you up. She also gave me several death threats, but we have an awesome banter going on at the disclaimer. _

_You need professional help. Either that or solitary confinement for eternity._

_She's real!_

_Sure. Just as real as I am._

_Go away._

"Stupid inner voice," I mumbled.

"Again?" asked Klaus sympathetically.

"Yeah… It said I needed help or solitary confinement after I told him about my friend Painted-chan," I said, covered by a doom cloud.

"I KNEW SHE WAS REAL! I was in a disclaimer for her once, were you?" he asked excitedly.

"TAKE THAT INNER VOICE! Yeah, me too! Actually, I'm in a lot of her disclaimers 'cuz she's my best friend despite the death threats~!" I yelled. "Let's go celebrate!"  
>"I thought we were doing that anyway."<p>

"Well, we'll just drink twice as much!" I proclaimed. "That was my Partying Proclaimation!"

"Oh, I almost forgot," Paul appeared. "Are you drunk?"

"Elijah is, but not me. Not yet anyway."

"You need help. Badly."

"Shut up."

"Okay, well acceptation is the first step to recovery. But with you, I'm not sure that's actually possible," he disappeared once again.

"I'm not insane," I screamed. "I'm just unstable!"

"Same thing, dude," Paul's voice floated towards us.

"Let's go, Damon," Klaus patted my back and herded me towards the Cullen's house. I kinda forgot the alcohol was there. "One more thing about Painted-chan. Do you also know those people called reviewers?"

"Yeah! Someone called Rasberry Parfait wanted me to teach her history class. Now that I think of it, I think that someone with that exact same name is actually in my history class. I'll thank them in class!" I mused.

"And what about HokusKaeru49 and SunMooon206?" he asked.

"They think I'm funny, and SunMoon206 wants me to end up with Elena. I love that person," I sighed. "Now, to the alcohol!"

"Sí, mi amigo loco, vamos a alcohol!" Klaus said, earning a grin from me as we raced back towards the Place of Unseasoned Pasta and All Things Bland, Including Edma.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"What are you two doing here?" Edva snapped.

"I think the real question here is: what is the female form of Edward?" I shot back.

"It's Eden, you morons!" he yelled, exasperatedly.

"Says the guy who hunts bunnies," I told him.

"And we came here to exhaust your alcohol supply once again. ELIJAH!" I shouted.

"What?" he yelled back.

"You still drunk?"

"A little, I think," he replied.

"We're gonna get drunk again. But with your brother this time."

"Coming~!" He appeared right in front of me. "Let's go."

And we headed to the basement to get totally and completely wasted.

"But how is he a lesbian?" I heard the yummy but ugly girlfriend ask.

"Because your self-proclaimed boyfriend is a cross-dresser," I told her.

"What's a cross-dresser?" she asked.

"Next you'll be telling me that your girlfriend's a virgin and has never gotten drunk," I scoffed.  
>"I haven't," Eden butted in.<p>

"Mother of God, what the hell is wrong with you?" everyone said at the same time.

"Aren't you supposed to be helping and supporting me?" Edward asked, frustrated.

"But we've all gotten drunk and had sex already, except for Bella. I'm pretty sure she's a virgin, but even she's gotten wasted," Rosalie said, rolling her eyes. I was liking this girl more and more. "And it's sad that you're that old and still a virgin, alcohol wise and sex wise."

"Shut up. Come on Bella," she grabbed her by the arm.

"What's a cross-dresser, though?" Bella protested.

"I'll give you sex ed in class; you'll find out soon," I reassured her. "And now that they're gone, do you wanna throw a real party?"

"Hells yes!" the Cullen's shouted.

"I'll get the alcohol!" volunteered Jasper.

"I'll play some **good** music," Alice said. "I got Gaga, Green Day, Three Days' Grace, Avenged Sevenfold, Ke$ha, The All-American Rejects, The Birthday Massacre, My Chemical Romance, Evanescence, Fallout Boy, also some Dubstep and Blame it on the Alcohol."

"Sweet," I said. All of my favorites.

"Who are they?" Klaus and Elijah asked.  
>"You'll find out, trust me. And you'll love it," I told them. "Let's hook up the amps so we can really dance. Remind me to take you clubbing one day."<p>

!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"Wow." That's all Klaus and Elijah could say when the chorus of Judas by Lady Gaga was hooked up on to the amps.

"Awesome, right?" I said, smirking.

"Yeah, this is so much better than the classical crap Edward likes to listen to when we party with him," Rosalie told me.

"I like you more and more," I said, flashing her one of my amazing, super sexy smiles.

"I could say the same for you. You just waltzed in here and told Edward what we've all been dying to tell him for over a hundred years," she said admiringly.

"Thanks, but I only waltz when there's waltz music, and even then, only when I have a partner that's at least as good as I am," I explained.

"Well, we're not putting on classical music for you to waltz with Elena," she protested.

"Nah, it's okay. I like modern dancing much, much more," I said, giving her a dazzling smile.

"Because it's like sex with clothes on?"

"Exactly." She wandered off after hearing me say that.

"Hey, Damon, I bet I can drink more than you," Klaus said, holding a bottle of Henny.

"No you can't," I told him.

"Sure I can," he said, rolling his eyes.

"No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"This calls for a drinking contest!"

"Yes!"

"Is that all you're gonna say?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, shut up!"

"Yes!" I rolled my eyes and snatched the bottle. Klaus grabbed a microphone.

"ME AND DAMON ARE HAVING A DRINKING COMPETETION!" he screamed. "COME WATCH!" Weirdly, everyone immediately herded towards us.  
>"What the hell? Stupid dumbass gossipy sheepies," I mumbled.<p>

"Ditto. Got it from Painted-chan?"

"Yep! Listened in on her 1 AM rants with her cousin," I admitted.

"YOU DID WHAT?"

"Painted-chan! Hi…," I trailed off. The look on her face was deadly. If looks could kill, I'd be dead a thousand times over.

"I'll kill you off in one of my fanfics, Damon," she said, disappearing.

"…"

"Okay, then. So let's chug some liquor!" Alice said into the microphone. "First person to pass out loses! And let's go!" Immediately, I grabbed a bottle and began to drink deeply.

"The betting booth is now open for business," Emmett's booming bass rang out across the yard. Everyone rushed to the betting stand, and I bet fifty grand that they were betting on Klaus to win. Which is good, cuz I'm not sure I can beat an Original at this, even though I beat Elijah.

_What are you saying? Stop deprecating yourself, that's my job! Now kick his ass!_

_What the hell? Aren't you supposed to insult me?_

_Yeah, but my contract says that I have to make you feel better at least ten times. One down, nine to go! NOW CHUG THAT WHISKEY!_

I finished my tenth bottle and moved on to my eleventh, not even fazed so far. Unlike Klaus, who was…giggling hysterically. Odd, but okay then. I might actually win this!

_No, you're not. You can't possibly beat him!_

_What are you, bipolar? Or do you have a split personality?_

_Shut up and drink, you bastard!_

"I give," Klaus said.

"WHAT?" the Cullen's screamed, all in carious states of shock. Except for Rosalie, who I assume must have betted on me.

"Hey, I can chug beer and wine, not hard liquor," he protested. The song changed to Edge of Glory. "OOH! I love this song!" He began to sing along. "I'M ON THE EDGE OF GLORY, AND I'M HANGING ON THE MOMENT OF TRUTH! Come on guys, sing!"

"Ah, what the hell," I shrugged, and I could see the everyone else doing that too. And I guess they decided to sing with us.

"I'M ON THE EDGE, THE EDGE, THE EDGE, THE EDGE, THE EDGE! I'M ON THE EDGE OF GLORY! HANGING ON THE MOMENT WITH YOU!" we all sang out, swaying like drunkards, which, at the moment, we were.

"What the hell is going on?"

"A REAL PARTY, EDEN," we all yelled at him.

"What? This isn't how you guys usually party? What's wrong?" he asked anxiously. I exchanged glances with Klaus. Was he really this dumb?

"Look, you have no idea what a party's really like. We do. You like to suck the fun out of everything, so when you left, we threw a real party. It's not that hard, you know," I told him, rolling my eyes.

"This isn't a real party!" He was obviously in denial.

"YES IT IS!" we all yelled. "And if you're gonna suck the fun out of this too, leave before you get hurt," I added. "But on your way out, get us some more alcohol. We're almost out!"

* * *

><p><span>Me: Longest chapter, now review please~!<span>


	9. Chapter 9

Damon: You lazy bum! How dare you take so long to update?

Me: *glares and hits him over the head with a frying pan* 

Damon: OW!

Klaus: I wonder if he'll get amnesia, like me? 

Me: That would suck.

Elijah: I know.

Me: Where'd you get the giant rock from anyway?

Elijah: I'm not sure; I was completely drunk.

Edward: Why do I keep having these strange dreams?

Me: Nothing compared to mine. *hits him with frying pan* And this is not a dream.

Edward: Yes it is!

Me: I'm going to kill you! *chases him with frying pan*

Stefan: WTF?

Damon: Ditto. Check out oceangirl122 and PAIGEandMARY's profile page, they both have VD roleplay forums. Painted-chan was supposed to say that, but she's chasing Constipa.

Me: Got him! And I'm thanking

**SunMoon206: I'm thinking about it, but I'm not sure what to do with Stefan yet... But I'm glad I made you laugh~! =)**

**HokusKaeru49: Thank you for the compliment! It has to be one of the nicest things a total stranger has ever said to me! *blushes* **

**DeathDaisy: I remember your review. And don't worry, Bonnie shows up in the next chapter or two!**

**xyueuchihax: I know, I'm an idiot sometimes... But I think I could make them go skinny dipping in the Cullen's pool. Yes, you got the dream part correct~! I'm glad I didn't kill you with this story. I'm thinking about Delena, but I just don't know what to do with Stefan. And, the drinking contest shall occur next chapter! Promise.**

**WerepireGirl1994: Wow. To think my story had the power to make you laugh that much...**

**Annaj9u: THANK YOU! You're the best ever~! **

Me: I'm done, but am I forgetting something...?

Damon: She doesn't own the Vampire Diaries or Twilight.

Me: Thank you! No, damn it!

* * *

><p><em>Why the hell did I do this?<em>

_Because you're an idiot._

_Come on, you've called me that already. Get some new insults or get out and shut the hell up._

_Someone's a lightweight. Getting a hangover after only drinking ten bottles? You're getting old._

_And you sound like Edwardia._

_It's Eden, moron._

_…_

_I lost to that goddamn voice again.._

Was I ever going to win an insult war thing with that voice inside my head. And what the hell is the female form of Edward? And why did I do this teaching thing? I have a hangover from hell today. I am just not in the mood for teaching history. Well, I can always teach something else…

!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"Class, I have a hangover from hell today, so don't piss me off. Shut the hell up and when this goes away, I'll teach you something," I gritted out, this hangover was **ridiculous. **But so is Stefan's face, so yeah. "Ah screw this, you make it worse by being here. So I'm going to teach you something that is actually gonna be useful in your pathetic lives," I told them, putting my feet on the teacher's desk.

"Which is?" asked, um, what's her name? Oh, wait, it's a guy.

"It, what's your name again?" I asked, not even bothering to hide the fact that I didn't know his/her name. Whichever he/she is.

"It's, ah, you don't care. I'm not gonna waste my time telling you when you're gonna forget in the next ten seconds," he/she said.

"Excellent way of thinking. And you're going to learn about, yes, what do you want?" Some person raised their hand.

"Bathroom?" he asked. At least I knew the gender this time.

"No. That's what you get for interrupting me. Anyway, as I was saying before the tiny bladdered guy interrupted me," I continued.

"Actually that's not my problem," he said.

"Ah. Is it painful yet?" I asked, going on a tangent.

"Quite," he said. His face had now turned an interesting shade of purple.

"Go then, but clean up after yourself. And hurry back. Well, from the state you're in, it shouldn't take too long, right?"

"What are you talking about?" he asked, confused.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, equally confused.

"I have to go to the bathroom," he said. "What did you think I meant? Oh, never mind, then." He blushed, which resulted in a kind of maroon color, like one of those weird Christmas sweater. He finally understood what I was implying.

"Can I go, though?" he asked, obviously in pain.

"Please. You remind me too much of that bastard Eden with that look on your face," I told him, making shooing motions with my hand and gagging noises with my mouth. He quickly complied, and left.

"How can a bastard be a girl?" someone spoke up.

"Well if you know the female form of the word bastard, then please enlighten me," I snapped back at him. "We're gonna wait for Mr. I Couldn't Wait Half an Hour to go to the Bathroom, So I Just Have to Interrupt My Awesome Teacher to get back before we start."

Five minutes later….

"I'm back!" the idiot yelled, almost tripping over his feet in his haste to get back here.

"So, today, you shall learn about loopholes," I proclaimed.

"Like a knot?" someone asked.

"No, like loopholes in words, and contracts and stuff," I explained.

"Oh, that makes more sense."

"Yes, it does. So, can anyone provide me with an example of an order that has a loophole?" I asked the class. "Hopefully you buffoons know what an example is."

"I'm not a buffoon," Mike, well that's what I think has name was, anyway, said, offended.

"Yes you are," I waved him off. "Now what's your example?"

"Like if your parents say, 'No playing on the DS,' the loophole would be that 'I'm not playing on it, I'm using it for entertainment because I'm bored.'," he said, obviously proud.

"Yes. I'm very proud of you; you actually knew what an example was, and you gave me a relevant answer~!" I smiled happily, and that comment deflated the look on Mike's face immediately. I snickered at how wilted he looked. "So any questions about that? No? Good. So let's practice. You, all the way in the back. If I'm your dad, and I say, 'I disapprove of you going to that party', what's the loophole? And I would never disapprove of a party, or want to be a father, so this is hypothetical, okay?"

"It would be that he doesn't approve of it, but since he didn't forbid you, you can still go?" it came out as a question.

"Don't b so insecure. You're right, though. Now you, right in the front, window seat," I told him. The person there didn't move. I threw a piece of chalk at their head. "Wake up, you lazy bum!" The student raised his head sleepily and yawned. "I'm not boring, and this question's for you. Someone tells you, 'You have to go to sleep by eleven thirty', what's the loophole?"

"That they didn't specify eleven thirty A.M. or eleven thirty P.M. Now can I go back to sleep?" he answered, yawning, which caused everyone else to yawn.

"Yes, and stop yawning, you idiot sheep," I glared at them all, and immediately they stopped.

"Can I take a test in here?" Eden asked me, a look of deep loathing on his face.

"Sure, but don't do that. It makes you uglier that you are, and, as stated before, I don't want you ruining any of this," I pointed to myself.

"Fine," he mumbled, glaring at me.

"Okay, so, Eden, here's your question. Get it wrong, and you fail the class, got it? Okay, I'll give you an easy one. Your parents say, 'Go to bed at eleven at the latest', what's the loophole?" I gave him an obviously easy question. I could even see other students with their mouths open in shock at the easiness of the question.

"There is none," he said, looking at me funny.

"You're sad, Constipa. Just so very sad. Mike, answer it?" I asked.

"Will do. You just go to bed at eleven, and then get back out and continue doing whatever it was you were doing; they never said anything about staying in bed. Or, you could take whatever you were doing, and continue doing it on the bed," he said.

"Congrats, you moved up the I.Q. scale to slightly above 'idiot', and Constipa moved down to 'dangerously stupid'," I smiled sexily, and I can swear some girls got nosebleeds at that.

"On what I.Q. scale is he smarter than me?" Eden Constipa Cullen asked, obviously agitated.

"On the Damon Super Sexy, Super Awesome, I.Q. Scale of Wonder. And about every other. Now get your pasty, constipated ass out of my room," I smirked and shoved him out, locking the door behind him. I glanced up at the clock. "Looks like we're just about out of time. I'll see you all tomorrow," I said, following them out of the door.

"Why are you leaving?" Rasberry Parfait asked.

"Oh, thanks for the reviews! If you see SunMoon206 and HokusKaeru49, tell them thanks too," I told her.

"But aren't they in your class?" Rasberry asked, obviously confused.

"Yes, but the first class was absolute torture, so I think I have contracted a stomach virus," I explained.

"Ah, well, see you Mr. Salvatore!" Rasberry waved.

"Bye!" I waved back. "I'll see you Monday."


	10. Chapter 10

Me: HELL YES I AM BACK PEOPLE!

Damon: Finally! I'm not alone with these freaks! *points at Edward and Stefan*

Me: *pats back* It's okay...

Damon: *sobs* Don't wanna go to the place of uncooked pasta anymore!

Me: But the liquors there.

Damon: Screw that, I'm getting wasted. *leaves*

Me: Wait! Who's gonna say the disclaimer and thank yous?

Stefan: I will!

Me: You're not as good as Damon, but I guess you'll do.

Stefan: No need to be mean.

Edward: I'm here again! Why are you so obsessed with me?

Me: Who the hell would be obsessed with you? I'm obsessed with wanting you dead, though. Does that count?

Edward:*runs away screaming*

Me&Stefan: Peace at last.

Stefan: Painted-chan doesn't own Twilight or the Vampire Diaries~!

Me: And...I want to thank the following-

**xyueuchihax- YAYZZZ~! So glad you liked it! And sorry the drinking contest wasn't in this chapter...=( but it will be in the next chapter, and the OC's are here, Chi-chan! Yayy! And you know on the RP how Lydia and Stefan were engaged? Well, now I know what to do with Stefan! So IT IS DELENA PEOPLE!**

**Annaj9u: *sigh* Best cousin ever! And your stories are awesomeZZ! Glad you like the story, and happy I made you laugh. But don't laugh and die, because then who would I insult gossipy sheepis with at 3 AM? And how are the chapters hims? Or hers?**

**HokusKaeru49: Sorry I made people think you were crazy...but if you say I succeeded, THEN HELL YES I HAVE SUCCEEDED! Thanks for the review!**

**SunMoon206: No prob inculding you! You're just that awesome for reviewing so much! Glad you like the nonsense I come up with!**

Me: Well, this chapter introduces the OC's, who are nomads plus a werewolf. Anyways, I just want to say that the Volturi shall be appearing, and since I want to add more people to the guard, I want you to give me your OC's to be part of the guard! They won't appear for a while, but I'm just telling you that they will. So send your OC's in a review, or PM me if you want one there! I won't say no! Well, that's that, and enjoy the newest insane creation of my mind~!~!

* * *

><p>"And how could you be so irresponsible?" Stefan finished his rant.<p>

"I thought school was torture, but listening to you talk is even worse," I said, amazed. How was this possible? "Stefan, when you graduate, you should work in a prison that tortures people: listening to you talk is just that bad."

"Were you even listening?" Bunnicula asked, exasperated, and completely ignoring my comment.

"I doubt he has the cranial capacity to listen," a female voice commented.

_I like her!_

_She just insulted me._

_Why else would I like her?_

_Shut up…_

_Victory, sweet victory. _

"Who are you?" Bunnicula asked the newcomer.

"I think the question here is really: why are you chewing him out for being irresponsible? Maybe you're just too responsible and safe," she replied, raising an eyebrow. Finally, someone who gets my way of thinking!

"See, I'm not the only one who thinks you're too uptight," I told Stefan, grinning. He just stared at the newcomers in amazement.

"Sapphire, stop doing that," another girl said. "We came here for help, not to insult them."

"What kind of help do you need? I think I can provide it," I said seductively.

"Please," the girl identified as Sapphire scoffed. "You wouldn't live up to anybody I've had."

"True, I'd be even better," I smirked.

"Yeah, I guess you'd have plenty of practice," she shrugged. "I'm sorry if you didn't get it. That was an insult. That means I called you something bad, in this case, a man slut. Or maybe just a slut, you know?"

"I could tell it was an insult…," I muttered defensively. She's even better than the voice in my head at insulting me and twisting my words… I thought that was impossible. Dammit….I need to pick up the pace with this insult stuff! I will not be bested!

_A person you don't even know and an imaginary voice bested you. I don't see how it could be worse._

_Stefan and Edward could._

_Well damn, that sounds like the apocalypse._

_In total agreement here._

"You got him good!" yet another girl gave Sapphire a high five.

"Thanks, Eva," she flashed a quick smile, briefly showing off sharp canines.

"Fire, you can't go around insulting him, we need his help," the same girl who had admonished her earlier spoke up. "But that was a good burn!"

"I thought you were supposed to be on my side," I complained.

"Who would be on the side of an arrogant ass like you?" Sapphire asked wryly.

_Damn, this girl is good!_

_Not the time. _

_It's like she's a genius with this stuff!_

"Not like one, I am one," she said, grinning.

"Stop using your telepathy!"

"Nah, I kind of like the freaked out look on his face," the one named Eva said contemplatively.

"And it's not like I'm the only one who can do it," Sapphire shrugged. "That guy from before, the constipated one, he could read minds."

"You mean Edna?" I asked her.

"Yeah, he does act like a girl. And no straight guy wears jeans that skinny," she said, running her fingers through her…red and black hair. It would have looked weird on anyone else, but somehow she pulled it off.

"I know, right?" I was happy somebody agreed with my opinion of him, even if it was the girl who insulted me.

"Well, introduction time," another girl said. How many of them are there? I counted five so far, and they were all pretty high on the Damon Scale of Utter Hotness and Sexiness That Nobody Can Match My Perfect Score On. Maybe a welcoming orgy would be something to suggest later on? She had green eyes, brown hair, and she was a couple of inches shorter than me. "I'm Annamyka, the one who insulted you's Sapphire, but I think you got that already. Eva's the blondie with blue eyes and piercings, Aksinya would be the charming petite blonde with the corset and tattoo. Courtney's the other brunette with green eyes, and-,"

"Lydia," Stefan and I whispered at the same time. The tan blonde with hazel eyes smiled brilliantly.

"Of course," Lydia Rosalie Wilton-James, Stefan's other ex, said. Well, screw the orgy idea. Ahahahaha! I don't think that's possible...I'm so sexy and funny... Maybe just not with her? Not that she's not hot, Lydia's high on the Damon Scale of Utter Hotness and Sexiness That Nobody Can Match My Perfect Score On, but it would be so freaking odd. Gah, bad thoughts, Damon. Bad thoughts!

"How do you know her?" Elena asked Stefan suspiciously.

"Well, we, um," Stefan stammered to figure out a tactful way to let Elena know of their history together.

"He's my ex-fiancé," Lydia said bluntly.

"That's right," I popped in. "Lydie-wydie and Steffie used to be together."

"Enough with that stupid nickname," Lydia glared at me viciously. I guess she must be getting lessons from Edna, he's the Queen of giving me dirty looks. Or maybe those looks mean something else…Damn, I'm hot! But he is so not my type.

"Now who's annoying them?" Sapphire raised an eyebrow at Annamyka, who just rolled her eyes.

"Who are all these people?" Emmett walked out of the noodle house. So bland…I shuddered.

"Hey sparkly fairy vampires and person who's too socially awkward to have real friends, so you're hanging out with these things," Sapphire greeted the Cullen's and their pet cheerfully.

_Damn, she is good!_

_I know._

_Ahahahaha, you admit it!_

_Stop laughing you moron. _

_Touchy, touchy… _

"Do we know you?" Edna asked, looking even more constipated than usual. Hell, I didn't even know that was possible! He narrowed his eyes, probably because Sapphire was so…bright and colorful and rude and would be freaking awesome if she stopped insulting me every chance she got, and not a piece of undercooked spaghetti like he was.

"Nope," she replied, flashing me a brilliant smile. "And he's right, you do look like undercooked spaghetti. And Damon, you just rub me the wrong way." Edna narrowed his…her eyes, concentrating even more. And he looked even more disturbing and gross and creepy than usual. Always push over the limits, I guess.

"Don't do that," Sapphire said, flicking her wrist in his direction. Edna disappeared.

"Want me to rub you the right way?" I suggested.

"I'll pass on that one," she shrugged. "Would you want to pass on a knife to the brain?"

"Yes, in fact I would."

"Where'd Edward go?" the fun to play, not to eat snack said, confused and completely ignoring our conversation.

"Who cares? He's gone, so halleluiah! And now let's go throw a blowout party," I grinned.

"Look over there, why don't you?" Eva suggested, trying to hold back a laugh. I looked and fell to the ground laughing at what I saw. A knife had impaled him in the stomach, and he was stuck to a tree! I tried in vain to control my laughter, but it was too much. And he was squirming so much, which made him look like living undercooked spaghetti. Well, more so than usual. And pain plus constipated face equals so ugly it makes me want to accept Sapphire's offer of a knife through my head, just so I won't have to see his face.

"Let me down! I order you to let me down!" he screamed desperately.

"Is somebody scared of heights?" Sapphire asked, a half smile on her face. She raised her hand into the air, just in time to catch the knife that was sent hurtling her way. Wow…

"Fire, not supposed to try to murder them," Annamyka sighed.

"Self defense," she shrugged.

"How was that self defense? He narrowed his eyes and looked more constipated than before!" Annamyka asked, exasperated.

"It could have been self defense from ugly," Eva offered.

"No could in that," I said. "He was ugly, and that's all there is to it. What do you see in them, Ms. Cullen's Pet?" No answer. Well, I guess she didn't hear or is stupid enough to not see his ugly.

"That and invasion of privacy," Sapphire laughed. I couldn't help but grin at their antics. As long as they were antagonizing Edward, we'd get along just fine. And Lydia's arrival could mean that Elena would be mine! It would go something like this….

_I'm standing underneath a sakura tree in the spring, holding a red rose and wearing a suit. Elena rushes in, crying._

_"What's wrong?" I ask._

_"Oh, Damon!" she cries, throwing herself into my arms._

_"Be careful, Elena," I say, giving her a smoldering look. "This rose may hurt you."_

_"Oh, Damon, you're the only one for me now that Stefan and Lydia are together," she hugs me, and I hug back. "Now give it to me, Mr. Sexy!" Kiss, kiss, kiss, and then we rip each other's clothes off and proceed to have the best sex of each other's lives._

"Damon, somehow I don't think that's going to happen," Sapphire said, in between fits of laughter.

"You never know," I told her, affronted. Can she tell the future or something too?

"And I quote, 'This rose may hurt you'. And another quote, 'Now give to me, Mr. Sexy!'" she raised an eyebrow. "It's not realistic."

"Gladly," I smirked at her.

"Sorry, but somehow I have the feeling that it would be the worst sex of my life," she shrugged.

_She did not just say that._

_She did! *cackle* Damn, I think I just fell in love!_

_SHUT UP YOU FREAKING MORON!_

"Not available, Mr. Freaky Voice," Sapphire apologized, not sounding sincere at all.

"Anyway, we need some help," Courtney butted in before I could insult Sapphire and get a knife through my back like Edna.

"Damn right that would happen," Sapphire replied, smirking.

"Yeah, professional help," I muttered.

"Says the guy who argues with a voice inside his head," she retorted.

"So what help did you need?" Stefan saved me from an embarrassing lack of retort. Sapphire: 3, Damon: 0. Damn, I need to get the score back up for me. Fast.

_You and I both know you can't. She's too good._

_What about the nine moments of helping my self esteem?_

_Nah, your misery is too fun to watch._

_Sadistic asshole._

_I'm only the reflection of you._

_…. Damn_

_*smirk*_

"It's a terrible thing," Courtney exclaimed.

"So horrible, I can't even say it," Sapphire told us.

"We-we're out of alcohol!" Eva cried, and they all dissolved into tears. I joined them.

"You poor things," I sobbed. This was too sad! She may have insulted me and made fun of me, but no alcohol? That was too terrible for words. I swear, those words broke all that was left of my heart.

"It's all gone," Sapphire said, tears streaming down her face. "If it wasn't, we'd kick your ass in a drinking contest."

"You would not," I glared. "I beat Klaus and Elijah in a drinking contest."

"Originals can't hold their liquor. Everybody knows that," she shrugged it off, still crying a little.

"Why don't you come inside so we can decide this for real?" I challenged.

"Sure," Eva said. "Any one of us could beat you in a drinking contest."

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Hell yeah," they replied simultaneously.

"It's harder than you think, Damon can hold his liquor really well. After all, he drinks himself into a coma every time he gets dumped," Alaric said dubiously.

"At least I had girlfriends, as in more than one, and they died. They did not run away and leave me, or hate me," I shot back at him.

"Anyway, back to the subject at hand," Aksinya steered us away from an all out fight which would have resulted in one of us dying. "The drinking contest, right?"

"Yeah, I could beat every single one of you with my eyes closed," I boasted.

"Well, I can gouge them out of you really want to try it that way," Sapphire offered sweetly, earning a glare from me and an amused smile from Alaric.

"I'd like to see you try, sweetheart," I said sardonically.

"If I gouge them out, you won't be able to see," she pointed out. "But we're still gonna drink you under the table. Prepare to lose, Damon."

"Well, either way, we both agree on something, right?" I asked her.

"Of course," she replied. "Edward's a constipated girl."

"Not that, well, we do agree on that, but something else," I conceded.

"Stefan's too uptight?" Eva wondered aloud.

"True, but something else," I told her.

"WE'RE GONNA GET TOTALLY WASTED!" we screamed, finally reaching the right conclusion. We dashed to the noodle house in a mad hunt for liquor to prove, once and for all, which one out of us could hold their liquor the best. And it was going to be me, I can assure you all. And maybe the orgy is back on!


	11. Chapter 11

Me: Another update? You bet Damon's sexiness it is!

Damon: Don't bet that! What if you lose! I'm not me without my sexy!

Edward: Moron...

Sapphire: *impales him*

Me&Damon&Sapphire: *laugh at Edward* 

Eva: You impaled him again, didn't you?

Sapphire: *insane grin* Yup.

Eva: Nice job. Can you make me some bacon?

Sapphire: What is it with your bacon obsession? But yeah. *both leave to make bacon*

Damon: So...can I say the disclaimer?

Klaus: I never got to say it. Let me say it or I kill you all.

Damon: You can't even kill a bottle of alcohol.

Klaus: Shut up. Painted-chan doesn't own Twilight or the Vampire Diaries. Painted-chan, if you did, Edward would be dead, right?

Me: Of course. He has no place to live.

Klaus&Damon&: YAY! HE DIES!

Me:*sweatdrop* We can plot to kill Edward later, but first let's thank the reviewers.

**Storm Caster: YAY! I was worried that I wouldn't get your OC's character right, but I did! So here's a gift! *gives mango* Pairs, well there's Delena, and Stefan's gonna end up with Lydia, usual Twilight pairings except Edward dies, so Bella's single and lovin' it. I really don't like Edward...**

**Annaj9u: Anti Damon indeed~! Glad you liked the comment about 3 AM sheepis, no prob for adding in your OC, cuz~! Yeah, you really aren't that nurturing for an older cousin...but if you were, that would freak me out. And happy you enjoyed the disclaimer~! Here's a gift, cuzzie! *gives giant cockroach* Enjoy your pet!**

**xyuechihax: You shall see which girl will win! Please don't die on me..."died while reading a hilarious fanfiction, you should check it out" would be a weird thing to put on a headstone...**

**SunMoon206: So glad I made you laugh! It's weird, but you total strangers are nicer than some people I know.**

**HokusKaeru49: Sorry I was gone, but updates will be faster now, I have up to chapter 14 written out~! And Edward was impaled in the disclaimer. Does that count? Thanks for the OC, I can fit her into the story now! **

* * *

><p>"You think this is enough?" Sapphire asked me, surveying the hundreds bottles we had collected from all over the noodle house, and Sapphire and I had both contributed with half our stash, well, that's what we were supposed to contribute. She contributed absolutely nothing, and said, "Half of zero is zero. Can't you count?" And left me to give half of my stash, which was so unfair. Even if she was out of alcohol, she should have contributed some liquor.<p>

"It should be," Eva said, blowing some of her hair out of her eyes. "It's not like you'd drink that much before you pass out."

"I think you'd be the one passing out," I retorted.

"Passing out laughing at you," Sapphire shot back, flashing her friend one of her canine baring, feral grins. They gave me the chills, and even my irritating inner voice agreed with me on this: she was dangerous. She gave me another of those grins, and I'm assuming she was glad I was right. Well, I usually was right. Like I am awesome, and Stefan is retarded, and Edward is constipated. I was right about all of those. And I am sexy, and hot, and so freaking super sexy. The answer to anything is Damon is sexy. Why does the world go round? Damon is sexy. Why are you staring at me? Damon is sexy. Why is one plus one equal to two? Damon is sexy. See? It works on everything.

"Okay, let's move this stuff into the garden," Lydia came up behind me.

"Aw, is wittle Lydie-Widie ready?" I teased her with the nickname she hated. Annoying people is so fun. Why? Because Damon is sexy.

"Fire, can you?" she asked, ignoring me and gesturing at the bottles.

"Sure," Sapphire shrugged. She waved her hand, and the bottles rose and flew into the garden.

"Fire, huh? Suits you…but I'll call you something else. Firefly? Saff? Spitfire~!" I yelled, finally settling on a nickname for her. And then it hit me. "You just made those fly!"

"Yep. Did it really take you a minute or so to notice that?" she nodded.

"But how?" I asked, amazed, and completely ignoring the other part of the question. Why? Because Damon is sexy.

"I could ask the same of you," she replied.

"Huh?" So eloquent, I was. Why? Because Damon is sexy. And that's all there is to anything. It's the perfect answer, as I've proved already.

"How can you be such an idiot?" she asked, smirking.

"Am not!" I protested.

"Here's some advice for you: don't bite too much to chew," she flashed me another grin and headed outside in all her knife-wielding, punk clothed, glory.

_Ahahahahahaha!_

_Shut the hell up, asshole!_

_Only a reflection of you, sweetheart. But damn, that girl is awesome!_

_Thanks._

_What the hell are you doing here?_

_Talking to a psycho._

_I take offense at that. Why? Because Damon is sexy. _

_Is that all you can come up with?_

_…No…_

_Yes it is. It's not like he's all that creative. I'm Damon's inner voice, by the way. _

_I'm Sapphire, Mr. Freaky Inner Voice. Why? Because Damon's an idiot. _

_Nice. Alliance?_

_Hell yeah._

"WILL ALL OF YOU KINDLY GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HEAD?" I screamed at a smirking Sapphire, who began to laugh at my reaction.

"Fire, what did you do?" Courtney asked, a hint of amusement in her tone.

"I joined his mental conversation," she shrugged.

"Ever heard of invasion of privacy?" I ground out, glaring at her. Why was I glaring? Because Damon is sexy. Got it? And anyone who doubts that sexiness or puts it in danger shall fall! And die, and I shall dance on their grave! Why? BECAUSE DAMON IS SEXY!

"Of course, but I, like you and many others, simply choose to disregard it," Sapphire smiled.

"That, my little Spitfire, is very true," I told her, smirking.

"Spitfire, huh? I like it," she flashed a smile in my direction. "Well, it does fit, I suppose."

"It does!" Eva laughed. "Now to the garden to drink ourselves into a coma!"

"Damn, I haven't done that in ages," Courtney sighed.

"You are so irresponsible," Stefan reprimanded us.

"Well you're too uptight, fun sucker," I retorted, continuing on my way to the garden. Why is Stefan a fun sucker? Because Damon is sexy. And I got everything great and he was just there.

"Nicely done," Sapphire patted me on the back. "Now we just have to work on everything else."

"Saff, you and Damon are a lot alike," Lydia observed with a smile. We immediately stepped away from each other.

"In what dimension am I like this arrogant asshole?" Sapphire asked, raising an eyebrow.

"In what universe am I like…her?" I asked, gesturing to Sapphire.

"Well, let's see: You don't have many friends," Lydia started.

"No. I end that here. See, unlike him," Sapphire pointed to me, "I am not an asshole who nobody likes. He chases away people."

"How do I do that?" I asked sarcastically.

"Your face," she said, gesturing towards it, "will get you arrested."

"Well, I guess being too good looking could be a crime," I conceded. "Why? Because Damon is sexy."

"No, it's so hideous, it kills people," Sapphire snapped her fingers. "That's it! You call me Spitfire, I call you Medusa."

"Medusa was a female," I pointed out, glaring at her.

"Fits you even more, then," she replied, smirking.

"Wow," Paul said, walking up to us.

"Hey, you're another wolf!" Eva exclaimed.

"You too?" he asked.

"Of course! But only on full moons," she explained.

"I can teach you how to turn at will if you want," he offered.

"Yay~!" Eva clapped her hands. "But only after we drink Damon under the table."

"So that's a no, you don't want to learn?" Paul assumed.

"You haven't seen the amount of alcohol we can down," Eva told him, grinning happily.

"No comeback, Medusa?" Sapphire raised an eyebrow. "And I thought that you'd be smart, too, since you're so ugly. Ah, well."

"So you must be a genius!" I exclaimed.

"But I'm the exception: I get brains and beauty, and a touch of badass too," she grinned. "You on the other hand, are also an exception. You're both ugly and an idiot!" She smiled sweetly.

"It's like verbal tennis," Paul said, awed. "Hey, Medusa!"

"Don't call me that!" I glared.

"But it's catchy," Lydia grinned.

"If you say so, Lydie-Wydie," I retorted.

"Are you drunk?" Paul asked.

"I thought we were done with that, dammit!" I yelled. "Why not?"

"Let me answer that, because Damon is only sexy to himself," Courtney laughed.

"We're going to drink him under the table, so I'm assuming we will be. If he drinks every time he gets dumped, it's gonna be a challenge," Sapphire smiled.

"Okay, then," he backed off. "But I got my money on the pretty ones."

"Thanks," I smirked.

"When he says that, he means the ones who are going to beat your ugly ass," Courtney replied, continuing to the garden. We all plopped down onto the grass in readiness to commence drinking.

"What's with all these people?" Emmett asked, walking into the garden.

"I'm Sapphire," Sapphire said, extending a hand to Emmett, who recoiled.

"My God!" he whispered, staring at her wide eyed. "You're the Crimson Queen!"

"My reputation preceeds me," she shrugged. "And I can assure you, it's all fact." Emmett's face paled, something I thought was impossible. He's already super pasty and such. Why? Because Damon is sexy.

"Emmett Cullen," he said, still amazed.

"Holy shit!" Edward noticed Sapphire and immediately jumped into Bella's arms.

"What the hell?" Bella asked, and dropped him. "It's supposed to be the other way around, douchebag." That was just too funny!

"Touche," Sapphire grinned at her. "I'm Sapphire."

"Bella," she replied. "Why are they all scared of you?"

"Long, long, LONG story, that is," Sapphire shrugged. "Damon, who are all these pasty faces?"

"Wow…," Jasper said, staring at her in awe. "Major Jasper Whitlock, ma'am. It's an honor to meet you."

"Jasper Whitlock…No way! You're the vamp Maria made, right?" Sapphire asked him.

"That would be me," Jasper smiled.

"She says hi," Sapphire told him.

"I'm friends with a celebrity!" Eva exclaimed giddily.

"Okay, why are you so famous, and why are they scared shitless of you?" I demanded answers. "You can't possibly be the Crimson Queen."

"And you can't possibly be pretty, or any stupider, but you just got dumber," she replied, the insults easily rolling of her tongue. "Because I am."

"Well, that changes nothing between us," I shrugged, all the while inside I was screaming, _HOLY CRAP I JUST INSULTED HER WHAT DO I DO? I DON'T WANT TO DIE!_

"Good!" she smiled at me, just wide enough that I saw the glint of a tongue ring.

"Oh, hey Sapphire," Klaus walked in.

"Hi Klaus. How's it going?" she asked him casually.

"I have amnesia."

"Cool!"

"Weirdos…"

"GOD SAVE ME THE DEMON IS BACK TO TORMENT ME!" Elijah screamed when he caught sight of Sapphire.

"PEOPLE, I AM NOT GOING TO KILL ANY OF YOU!" she yelled. "Except Damon, but I'm pretty sure lots of people want him dead. And nice to see you too, Elijah," she added sarcastically. Why was she sarcastic? Because Damon is sexy.

"What's a Crimson Queen?" Elena asked.

"Okay, drinking time," Sapphire threw a bottle at my head and downed one of her own.

"About time," Annamyka rolled her eyes and began chugging the whiskey.

"Scotch for me," Courtney said, grabbing the right bottle.

"Tequila, baby!" Eva yelled, drinking it.

"Bourbon for ever!" I shouted, uncapping my bottle. "Wanna know why? Because Damon is sexy."

"Vodka rules you all!" Sapphire said, grabbing another bottle. "Wanna know why? Because Damon is sexy to himself and to nobody else~!"

"I'll pass on this one. Someone needs to make sure nobody dies. Last time we all got drunk…And with Damon here, someone needs to stay sober," Lydia said, sitting on a branch on some kind of tree. Pine? Oak? Chocolate? Who gives a damn about what tree it is anyway?

"I gotta agree with Fire on this one, vodka rocks your socks!" Aksinya told us.

"I'm wearing sandals," Eva said, pointing to her feet and wiggling her toes. Why was she wearing sandals? Because Damon is sexy.

"THAT WAS NOT VODKA!" Sapphire coughed.

"Then what was it?" I asked, taking a swig from a white bottle.

"Drain cleaner," she replied, chugging half a gallon of water to get rid of the taste. "Damn, I thought I'd never have to drink it again. Get this stupid taste out of my mouth!" She gagged.

"HOLY SHIT, THIS IS BLEACH!" I yelled, my tongue burning. We both reached for the two of the same bottle, downing ours in one go.

"HYDROCHLORIC ACID!" we screamed, reaching for another bottle to get rid of the god awful taste. Why the hell were those there?

"This is scotch," Sapphire checked the label.

"This is vodka," I said, making sure it wasn't another poison.

"Wow, you guys are ridiculous," Eva chuckled.

"Why is it that everywhere I go, I'm surrounded by psychopaths?" Annamyka asked.

"Because Damon is sexy," I answered. "Why are you people not understanding that? Because Damon is sexy."

"'Cuz you travel with us," the nomads chorused, clinking their bottles together.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"Maybe we should take a, a, like, a break," I slurred after what must have been my thirtieth bottle.

"We're still good to go," Courtney said, sounding like she hadn't touched a drop of alcohol in years.

"Not our fault you're a lightweight, Damon," Eva shrugged, tossing back some bourbon. "Damon?"

"Hey, look," I pointed at the sky. "There's a pretty pink unicorn… HI PAINTED-CHAN! HI C~CHAN! HI CHI-CHAN!"

"What is he talking about?" Aksinya wondered.

"I don't wanna know. Strange things go on in his head…," Sapphire shuddered. "You wanna continue?"

"Hell yesszz," I slurred, not wanting to give up. Why did I not want to give up? Because Damon was sexy.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

Thirty bottles each later…

"Nighty night," I mumbled, passing out.

"DON'T WANNA BE AN AMERICAN IDIOT!" Sapphire and Eva sang, leaning against the tree.

"HEY, HEY, YOU, YOU, I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" Courtney and Annamyka were singing drunkenly.

"GROW A PEAR AND YOU CAN CALL ME BACK!" Aksinya and Klaus chanted, swaying.

"Why would they need to grow fruit to call somebody?" Elijah asked, spurring fits of hysterical laughter from all the drunks.

"Because Damon is sexy!" I yelled, waking up for a moment to answer that question and then falling back down.

"Let's stick with that song. I looove Ke$ha," Eva said, swaying slightly.

"Okay," Sapphire nodded. "Ready?"

"YOU SHOULD KNO-O-O-O-O-OW THAT I LO-O-O-O-OO-O-VE YOU A LO-O-O-O-OT, BUT I JUST CAN'T DATE A DUDE WITH A VAG!" they belted out, loud enough to probably kill somebody.

Klaus' eyes suddenly rolled back and he collapsed.

"I think the noise level killed him," Eva whispered in awe.

"HOOOORAAYYY!" the cheer went out.

"He just twitched, never mind," Courtney said, disappointed. "Wanna bathe in chocolate!"

"Chocolate, where?" Lydia asked, looking around.

"Mello! YOU'RE ALIVE!" Sapphire said, looking up.

"Who cares about Mello? Is Al's body there?" Eva yelled at the clouds.

"He needs it back so he can take care of the kittens properly!" Sapphire said drunkenly. "GIVE IT BACK!"

"What the hell?" Elijah said. "Never mind…"

"You wanna know more, more, more about me, gotta know reverse psychology," Sapphire mumbled under her breath. "We are happy, happy drunkards, and we love to get wasted with you…"

"Guys, Damon passed out," Courtney told them, poking my prone body in the side.

"Well, more for us~!" Eva and Sapphire chorused, swaying like the happy drunks they were.

"Hey, who won?" Elijah asked.

"Not Damon, that's for sure," Courtney rolled her eyes.

"We are happy, happy drunkards, and we love to drink with you!" Why? Because Damon is sexy.


	12. Chapter 12

Me: Aha~! Another update~! Hell yes, I am on a roll baby!

Edward: Indeed you are. Why the hell am I here again? I keep having the same dream.

Me: It is not a damn dream you stupid sparkly fairy-like freak of nature! 

Damon: *pushes Edward off Mount Everest* Now you're on a roll, too, Constipa~! *laughs*

Me:*laughing hysterically* Thank you, Damon. Thank you so much.

Klaus: What did he do?

Me: He pushed Edward off Mount Everest. 

Edward: *screaming* Save me Justin Bieber!

Me&Klaus&Damon: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Scream, freak, scream!

Stefan:...Get me the hell out of here, now.

Alaric: Painted-chan doesn't own the Vampire Diaries or Twilight.

Stefan: If she did, I shudder to think about what torture Edward would have to face.

Me: Yupp~! And I wanna thank-

**HadehariaHailey: Thank you! So much! And I will! Cool penname...but what nickname shall I give you now...?**

**Annaj9u: THE ROACHES ARE NOT FREAKING OUT TO GET YOU WOMAN! So there. And YOU said that you're not nurturing, not me. . Yes, his soul ego convos are very very weird, but funny, and the answer sounds like something Damon would say, okay? And yes Damon is sexy, but the story is epic because of my AWESOMENESS! I think I figured out why all five of those personality quizzes say I'm like Damon...I have to write his character a lot~! Does that even make sense...?**

**xyuechihax: Unfortunately, Edward dies a bit further on...=( I know, I know, but he gets utterly humiliated before death and I was thinking he dies of constipatedness~! And I am so sorry I didn't let you do the disclaimer here, now I feel bad...But I promise next chapter for sure! And sorry for making your mom think you're slightly insane...And I wonder too about what she did to Elijah.**

**ailuj14: Hahaha! It's catching on~! But there is a plot...I think. Nah, not really, just what happens at the end kinda ties it all together in a way...But you have a point, all he does is get drunk and get insulted and insult Edward. But that makes it great~!**

* * *

><p>"Morning, sunshine," I grinned at Sapphire who groaned and pulled the covers over her head. "Ah,ah,ah, we can't have that, now can we?" I grabbed her feet and yanked hard. She didn't budge.<p>

"Leave me alone," she mumbled into the pillow.

"Wake up and I will," I told her.

"Wanna sleep," she complained.

"No! Wake up!" I yelled, but she turned around and promptly fell back asleep. I sighed. "Then we have to do this the hard way." I walked to the door, and then ran at full speed towards the bed, intending to jump on the small bundle under the covers that was Sapphire. I sprang, only to have my beautiful, sexy face connect with a baseball bat.

"Ou bwoke my node!" I howled at her.

"Huh?" Sapphire yawned.

"I said, YOU BROKE MY NOSE!" I told her after it had healed, irritated. "And you almost ruined my sexiness!"

"Well, don't wake me up," she warned, and fell asleep again. Well, she was only half asleep before, so I have to wait longer. I sat on the floor of her room. How had she gotten this in here, anyway? When I'd come to, and when she had gotten over her hangover, she'd just tossed six cubes from her pocket on to the ground, and they'd turned into rooms for Eva, Courtney, Aksinya, Annamyka, Lydia, and her. I checked my watch. It had been around five minutes, she should be sound asleep by now. Stealthily, I crept to the side of the bed, armed with a bucket of ice water, which Myka had advised me to have if I was really trying to wake her up before noon.

She hadn't moved, so I tilted the bucket above her head, only to have to dodge a spear of fire. And the bucket fell on my head with a nice clang sound, and ice water drenched me from head to toe.

"Dammit! You ruined the clothes that go with the sexiness that is me! And almost roasted the sexiness that is me! How could you? A non sexy Damon would destroy the very fabric of the universe!" I cursed, and added a few creative things in Italian.

"Stop cursing," Sapphire mumbled, turning to face me, her eyelids still heavy with sleep. "Trying to sleep."

"Trying to wake you up," I pointed to myself.

"I don't get up before noon," she told me. "Now let me sleep in peace."

"Just wake up, dammit!" I yelled at her.

"Go away!" she grumbled into the pillow, this time bringing out a gun and shooting me with it.

"Holy shit….," I whispered, looking at the hole in my chest. She'd shot me in the heart without even looking! "HOLY SHIT, YOU JUST SHOT ME THROUGH THE HEART!"

"No shit, Sherlock," she rolled her eyes. "Now go away."

"…" Silence.

"Damon?" she looked at my body. "Ah, well. Blessed silence at least." She went back to sleep again.

"Damon? You there?" Lydia poked her head through the door of Sapphire's room.

"Mmm," I groaned.

"What are you doing on the floor?" she asked me.

"Hugging it," I said sarcastically.

"That's about the only thing that wants to hug you back," Sapphire told me, yawning. "I'm gonna go back to sleep now."

"Hey!" I glared at her slumbering form.

"Damon, what did you do this time?" Lydia rolled her eyes and helped me downstairs to the doctor and head of the noodle household.

"I tried to wake her up, and then she shot me, tried to roast me, and broke my nose," I winced as he pulled the bullet out.

"Your persistence did hurt you," Lydia sighed as the doctor began to prod at my wound. "Once is minor injury, twice is major injury, and three times she shows that she can kill you. Four times, well, let's not think about that, okay? All you learned from this is that Sapphire takes her sleep very seriously. Thank God she used the metal bullets."

"Morning!" Sapphire slid down the banister still clad in her pajamas: a black tank top and black PJ pants with neon cats that probably glowed in the dark and hurt my very sensitive and sexy eyes. That's probably why she wore them.

"What?" I stared at her. "Who woke you up without getting hurt?"

"I did," Eva said, sliding down the banister and landing next to her friend.

"…How come you tried to kill me?" I asked her angrily.

"Because you tried to dump ice water on me," she shrugged. "And if I wanted you dead, you would be."

"Yes, someone else wants him dead!" Edward danced into the kitchen.

"Oh, I'm sure plenty of people want him dead," Courtney said, appearing from the side door.

"But I'm even more sure that more people want you dead," Lydia shrugged, finishing Courtney's sentence.

"Why?" Edna was obviously confused.

"Because," I began. "You're uptight."

"Way too constipated looking," Eva added.

"You're a control freak," Lydia put in.

"You're more puffed up than a bullfrog," Courtney told him.

"You're an overconfident buffoon," Annamyka added her two cents.

"You have a huge superiority complex," Aksinya said, walking in.

"And you're a goody-goody kiss ass," Sapphire finished.

"And that's only the beginning," I smirked. "If we had to write the list, all the paper on Earth wouldn't be enough to describe what's wrong with you."

"How am I an overconfident, controlling, buffoon with a huge superiority complex?" Edna asked, his/her face getting small.

"Careful there, if your face gets any smaller it's gonna disappear," I warned him, smirking.

"Why'd you say that? If you'd let it shrink, then we wouldn't have to fight the urge to vomit every time she walks into the room," Sapphire told me, glaring.

"This is funnier than reality T.V.!" Rosalie exclaimed. "Do more, do more!"

"Aren't you supposed to be on my side?" Edward glared viciously at her. "This is all your fault, Salvatore! If you hadn't come here, none of this would have happened! I wouldn't be an outcast!"

"FYI, you were an outcast even before this," I told him, rolling my eyes. "But you were too socially awkward to notice it."

"!" he just stood there with his mouth open and eyes bulging out, reminding me of a fish.

"Can we fry him?" Aksinya asked. "I want fish, but don't want to go fishing."

"Also, Edna," Sapphire said, walking towards him with the air of a panther who's stalking its prey, "Damon was just the catalyst. These hatreds were going on for a long time before this."

"What?" he backed away from Sapphire. When he was in the living room, and felt safe enough, he yelled, "Well I will not sit here and be insulted by my own family!" Constipa stalked upstairs and was out of the house in a flash.

"Can I have his room?" I asked Rosalie.

"Sure, why not?" she shrugged. "You got rid of him, so amen to you!"

"The only type of god I am is a sex god," I grinned. "Anyone care to check if I'm lying?"

"Who would?" Sapphire asked, laughing.

"You know you would," I told her, wiggling my eyebrows.

"Saying something over and over doesn't make it true," she smirked. "And I don't think Elena would appreciate this very much. Besides, I'm taken, and that person is way better than you, I can guarantee that." She walked out, grinning all the while at my shocked expression.

"Who's Elena?" Eva wondered, hopping onto the kitchen counter and sitting there cross legged. "And do you have any bacon?"

"The doppelganger," Elijah replied, ghosting in.

"Sorry, no bacon," Rosalie told Eva apologetically.

"I see you're sober once more," I observed dryly. "And what kind of place has no bacon? Even we have bacon!"

"Nah, I'm still a little drunk," he shrugged. "Nice job on Constipa, by the way. Why do you have no bacon?"

"Thanks," I said. "Hey, wanna help me set up my room?" I looked around at the nomads who had…. I can't believe I'm admitting this…drunk me under the table.

"Well, sure!" Sapphire grinned, whooshing back into the kitchen. "You swallowed your pride and admitted we beat you."

"Stop invading my brain!" I complained after we had all crowded into Edward's room.

"Holy mother of all things cheese," Annamyka said, eyes wide.

"No way…," Eva caught sight of what Myka had seen.

"Holy hell," Sapphire whispered. "I knew he was girly, but this is ridiculous!" She began laughing.

"A Justin Bieber shrine...Unbelievable,"Aksinya snickered. Why? Because Damon is sexy.

"Well, knowing Edna, I really should have expected this," Rosalie surveyed the posters and the statuettes of the wannabe pop star. Creepy.

"I have a shrine for music too," Sapphire began. "But good music! Like Green Day, Avenged Sevenfold, Evanescence, and Three Days' Grace. And its a shelf with CD's on it and my iTunes account. Not Justin Bieber, and not a room filled with statues, though. Who the hell would like his music?"

"About ninety percent of the Earth's population of teenage girls," I told her.

"Well who like him that are not gossipy sheepies?" she amended.

"Painted-chan told you that, right?" I asked her.

"It's our term," Annamyka said, confused by my comment.

"Oh…"

"This is really sad," Rosalie said, going through his CD's. "It's all Justin Bieber garbage posing as classical stuff."

"Can we leave now?" Courtney asked.

"This is making me sick," Lydia groaned.

"Overexposure to bad music."

"Well, you've gotta see something else," I told them, a mischievous glint in my eyes.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"No freaking way!" Lydia exclaimed.

"I know, right?" I told her. "And he always denies it."

"Hey, Damon," Sapphire began. "How about we put aside our bitterness for a while to gang up on Stefan?"

"I'd say hell yes!" I pumped my fist in the air. Yes! With her on my side, he was going down!

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING DESECRATING MY SACRED SHRINE?" Stefan screamed at us as soon as he walked in.


	13. Chapter 13

Me: Haha! Another update~!

Edward: Why are you so obsessed with having me here? I know most females find me irresistable and sexy, but still.

Chi-chan: Yeah, they can't resist wanting to you dead

Damon: You are not sexy! You are an insult to sexiness itself! Now die! *sets him on fire*

Edward:*screaming in pain*

Chi-chan&Damon&Me:*laughing*

Me:thank you Damon. and if that thing was sexy it would be the end of the world!

Damon:how could that thing ever be sexy?

Eva:he cant be

Chi-chan: Want to go over all the ways that thing isn't sexy and how much Justin Bieber's music sucks and how lame Stefan is?

Everyone: HELL YEA!

Courtney: Painted-chan does not own Twilight or the Vampire Diaries. if she did Edward would be dead and there is no telling what she would make Damon do! But she would still have him sexy.

Damon: Of course she would. There wouldnt be a world without a sexy Damon!

Me: That's right! But I might make Klaus sexier than Damon.

Damon: NOOOOOOO! You can't do that to me! I am the sexiest!

Grimmjow: I am the strongest, I've heard but I am the sexiest? That's kinda freaky.

Klaus: True. But Damon, I am the sexiest, and that's that!

Eric: I am the king of sexiness

Damon: If your the king then I'm the GOD! Beat that!

Alcide: Northman, you aren't a king. And you are not a god either, Damon.

Girls: *watch guys fight over sexiness and eat popcorn, enjoying the show*

Me: While those testosterone filled idiots fight over sexiness, I'm gonna do the review replies. And thanks to xyuechihax for doing most of the disclaimer this time~!

**HadeHariaHailey: Glad you liked the last chapter~! And I think you'll LOVE the disclaimer for this one~!**

**SunMoon206: ANd Justin Bieber SUXS~! A friend promised to disown his sister if she ever started liking Justin Bieber! lolzzz haha that was a weird spelling... but YOU ARE AWESOME AND ROCK ON GOOD MUSIC! Which is not that sappy stuff they have...Sappy=ew.**

**HokusKaeru49: It's fine. And they did get biebered~! lolzzz! Sorry for making them look at you funny though...but funny stuff is good~! But I don't know why you're thanking me...**

**Annaj9u: THEY ARE NOT OUT TO GET YOU DAMMIT! How the hell would that be possible? They're freaking insects! And yeah, the cheese does sound like him...Well you're a Stefan fan, so you wouldn't like me making him look like a moron. But I don't like the VD Stefan...it's an opinion question though.**

**AriaEzraPLL: Update done, and thanks for the compliment~! I hope you like this chapter~!**

**xyuechihax: Yeah, we all want to kill Edward off...and all of us with brains and good taste in music want Justin Bieber to shut up too... And a non sexy Damon would be the end of the world...Why? Because Damon is sexy. =) And we with brains would have all suffered from overexposure to bad music. But I somewhat like Stefan, so he does not have a Bieber shrine. And thanks for doing most of the disclamer~!**

Enjoy the story~!

* * *

><p>"Maybe you should use smaller words, I don't think Damon knows what that means," Sapphire whispered to the thing I am forced to call my brother conspiratorially.<p>

"I thought we were going to put aside our differences in light of a common goal!" I told Sapphire, glaring.

"I didn't say when we would do that, did I?" she raised an eyebrow.

"…."

"What are you doing? Did you touch anything, Damon?" Stefan asked, rushing to protect his shrine.

"What kind of question is that?" I asked him.

"It's almost as retarded as Edward, and that's saying something," Rosalie said, laughing.

"I asked because he ruins everything he touches!" Stefan glared at us.

"Do not!" I defended myself.

"Yeah? Well what about that time when I was five and you touched my wooden boat and it fell apart?" Stefan challenged.

"It's not my fault you can't build or maintain anything, including a relationship," I retorted, causing Sapphire to laugh. It was the truth...he only ever had three girlfriends. And he's over a hundred.

"Not the point," Stefan waved it off, examining the shrine. "Nothing's broken." He sighed in relief.

"'To Stefan: rock on, my little monster,'" Eva read the autographed poster.

"Gift from Lexi," Stefan defended.

"Who's that?" Lydia asked him.

"An old friend," he answered, evading most of the question.

"Hey! He has that wig!" Sapphire exclaimed, pointing to the wig in question. "Stefan, are you a cross dresser?"

"No!" he was shocked. "Why would you think that?"

"Let's see," I started. "You have a woman's wig, fake boobs, and Lady Gaga clothes."

"I went as Lady Gaga for Halloween!" he said. "And don't touch those."

"This one," Eva said, pointing at something on the screen of Sapphire's iPod Touch. How come she has one and I don't? Oh, right, because Stefan thinks I destroy everything I touch...Maybe I should poke him.

"'Kay," she played it, and Lady Gaga's _I Like it Rough_ blared out.

"Your love is nothing I can't fight," Sapphire began to sing along.

"Can't sleep with a man who dims my shine," Eva joined her, dancing along.

"Really?" Stefan asked, raising an eyebrow. "You're doing this?"

"Says the guy with fake Gaga boobs in his closet," Sapphire retorted, causing me to burst into laughter.

"Nice," I complimented her.

"YOU'VE GOT ME WONDERING WHY I, I LIKE IT ROUGH, I, I LIKE IT ROUGH!" they all chorused. Lydia did one of those old disco moves, and ended up poking Stefan in the eye and effectively knocking him out. I should have done that ages ago, but the disco ruins my sexiness, which is the one absolute thing in this universe, as well as Edna's constipatedness.

"Amen to you, Lyd!" I said, laughing hysterically. Screw what I just said, I'm dancing in celebration! "Won't go without my fix tonight!" I joined them in the second verse, dancing along like a madman, which I was not. I was just mentally unstable, that's all.

"It's the same thing," Sapphire told me, rolling her eyes.

"I am not insane!" I screamed.

"Denial is one of the signs. Crazy people never think that they're crazy," she said sympathetically.

"You're the crazy one," I accused her. How dare she think I'm crazy?

_I know! There's no way you're insane!_

_I know that, Inner Voice! They just don't understand. _

_You just need help, a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a nice padded room where you can't hurt yourself~! _

_Burn in hell._

_I'll burn when you do, just know that._

"And thank God for that! If I wasn't, then I'd be dead now," Sapphire told me, grinning like a madwoman, which I could believe she was, even without the confession.

"I, I LIKE IT ROUGH," Stefan yelled, finally coming back from wherever people go when they pass out…the Pass Out Society, that's what I'll call it! And I think that I have been making way to many visits there, courtesy of my dearest little dangerous friend, who might want me dead, alcohol. Yeah, at first I was thinking it was Sapphire, but she'd just kill me if she wanted me dead. Anyways, I kind of wish Stefan had stayed in the Pass Out Society just long enough for Elena to think he was dead, or maybe long enough for me to drop him down a well, or even so he'd get more brain damaged…nah, that's impossible. Does he even have a brain to be damaged? If not, then that explains a lot, actually.

"Aha!" I pointed at him. "You know the lyrics and there's no denying it now!" I laughed triumphantly. I had won this war, and he had lost, and he was gaga for Gaga. I really wasn't surprised. Honestly, Stefan must be brain damaged. I guess a healthy diet of Thumper and Bambi wasn't really all that healthy. And they say I'm crazy. He munches on Disney characters. I'd munch on Disney himself, like any other vampire with a brain that works.

"Damn you all!" he ran out of the underground bunker.

"Already done, Steffi!" Sapphire called out after him, laughing. "I still can't believe he has a shrine in an underground bunker."

"He eats deer and cute little bunnies," I pointed out.

"Bambi and Thumper? Seriously? I wouldn't eat Disney characters, I'd eat Disney himself," she said. "That does explain a lot…his brain isn't getting enough nutrition."

"I'm fine, though," Lydia said.

"Well Stefan's a special case," I shrugged. So special he's the one who needs the psychiatrist, not me.

"Nope, still you," Sapphire grinned. I was getting used to her blatant disregard of privacy. I guess this is what it's like to be Stefan. Nobody cares about his privacy, not even complete strangers, or me. I'm his brother and supposed to care and respect him, but I really don't. I mean, we're in his top secret Gaga shrine making fun of him.

"Or you," I countered, smirking.

"My life story would make the psychiatrist need a psychiatrist," she grinned.

"You would make a psychiatrist need a psychiatrist, they don't need to hear your life story, just meet you."

"I'm hungry," Eva announced suddenly.

"Well go find a nice vamp to eat, preferably Edna," I said to her, making her laugh. "I wasn't joking about that." I never joked about wanting Edna dead. Stefan or Sapphire, yes. Edna, I really wanted dead.

"Nah, he/she would give me indigestion," she shuddered. "All that goody goody-ness inside me will not be good for my system. And I don't want that inside me." Sapphire and I laughed, which gained us strange looks from everyone.

"What's so funny?" Lydia asked, frowning and completely not getting it.

"Oh, I get it!" Aksinya said, laughing along with us and leaving the others even more puzzled than before. I love it when I'm the only one to get a joke, or, in this case, a hidden statement that wasn't meant to be interpreted in that way.

"What did I-oh," Eva finally realized what she'd said, and turned bright red. "Shut up, you perverts!"

"You said it, not me," I gasped between fits of laughter.

"I think I'm going to stay here," Sapphire said. "This is so entertaining!" She laughed.

"Can we have bacon?"


	14. Chapter 14

Me: Haha, yet another chapter~! Lolzz I decided to update today randomly. 

Damon: Yay~!

Alaric: O.O

Me: O.O

Stefan: O.O

Damon: What?

Stefan: You sounded happy. You were...happy.

Damon: O.O *screams* I'VE LOST MY MIND!

Alaric: Can't lose what you never had.

Me: You morons are giving me a headache. Stefan, say the disclaimer.

Damon&Alaric: What? WHY?

Jasper: Oh, get over it.

Stefan: Painted-chan doesn't own the Vampire Diaries or Twilight. 

Me: Thank you Stefan. Now here's a gift. *hands him newest Lady Gaga CD*

Stefan: Thanks~!

Me: Review replies now~!

**xyueuchihax: Thanks~! And yeah, Stefan's great, but Damon's better, I think. And Evil Stefan is better than good Stefan. Not sure exactly why I think that, but it's what I think. And here's the next insane chapter! I don't think any of you would be expecting the insanity that is this chapter.**

**HadehariaHailey: Yes...poor, innocent Eva...And thanks~!**

* * *

><p>"Sapphire, THIS IS NOT CANADA!" I yelled.<p>

"You took that long to figure it out?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Why are we here?" Elijah asked, confused. He looked down, and realized that his immaculate suit had speck of dust on it. A tiny, miniscule, microscopic, particle of dust. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Are you okay?" Klaus asked Elijah who had collapsed and gotten even more dust on his suit.

"No," he sobbed.

"What's wrong?" Klaus asked him, concerned. As if. He was probably going to rub Elijah's face into the dirt so he'd cry even more. Why? Because Damon is sexy.

"Are you still on that?" Sapphire asked me, amazed. Why? Because Damon is sexy. Nah, somehow, I don't think that's the answer to this question. But it works.

"It's the truth." Hell yes it is! If my sexiness isn't absolute, what is?

"I-I-I GOT DIRT ON MY SUIT!" Elijah cried. "I'm a sin, and evil, monstrous pig! I deserve to die!"

"It's just a suit," Courtney rolled her eyes. "Get over it."

"Why?" Klaus asked his brother.

"Because Damon is sexy," Eva rolled her eyes, answering for me.

"Glad you think that," I smirked at her. I just may get that orgy after all…And it might be even better if Klaus and Elijah were there. Hehehe….

"I know I usually ask Damon this," Exploding Wolfman began. "But I'm gonna make an exception here. Are you drunk?"

"No," Elijah sniffled. "But I got my suit dirty…" He burst into a fresh round of tears. My God, this was an Original for sexiness' sake! He shouldn't be crying like a baby over a dirty suit…But I really don't care. This was fun to watch, even more fun than admiring my own absolute sexiness in the mirror. Not that I do that. Only an egotistical idiot would do that.

_So you admit that you pose in front of the mirror for hours._

_No, I said only an egotistical idiot would do that._

_So you do._

_Shut up!_

_Make me. Ow!_

_Ow!_

_You're welcome. I made both of you shut up. _

_Get out of my head, Fire._

_Gladly, it's creepy here._

_Nooo! Don't leave me alone with this idiot!_

_SHUT UP!_

_*****__Sapphire mental slap of doom~!*_

_Thank you._

_No prob._

"My head hurts…," I groaned. Damn, no wonder it was called slap of doom…that freaking hurts!

"You asked me to shut it up and I did. Be grateful," Sapphire frowned at me.

"You gave me a huge ass migraine, teleported me to the middle of nowhere, and you insult me at every chance you get! What is there for me to be grateful for?" I shouted at her.

"Well, I shut your inner voice up for a while, you happen to love our banter, and you practically take mental notes when we talk so you can copy down my insults," she counted. Damn, I can't believe I got caught doing that. I thought she wouldn't notice…I know, I don't copy others, but her insults were just so damn good, I had to. Why? Because Damon was sexy, okay? I am goddamn sexy, so sexy, good-looking, hot, amazing, dreamy, super, fabulous, and totally mega awesome, that I should be arrested. I mean, this sexiness could kill!

"No it cannot," Sapphire said, rolling her eyes. "I can kill, a cobra can kill, a panther can kill, Jack the Ripper could kill. Your sexiness cannot kill."

"Why didn't you name any weapons?" Klaus asked her, abandoning Elijah in favor of figuring out Sapphire's thought processes. Yeah, good luck with that buddy. Her mind's even more complicated that mine, and I have a freaking imaginary voice in mine.

"Well weapons help people kill. I mean, if you just walked in front of somebody and yelled 'DIE!', I highly doubt they'd die, unless they were this really old person with a heart condition you surprised," she shrugged.

"Hey, there's a dude over there," I pointed to a middle aged guy walking towards us. "Let's test out the theory."

"Really?" Courtney asked, raising an eyebrow. "You're seriously going to do that?"

"Yup," I smirked at her and waggled my eyebrows.

"Stop that, you look like a freak," Eva frowned at me.

"Well then his looks won't be deceiving," Sapphire grinned. Well, damn. That was just freaking good. So unfair…so many people surpassing me as the ruler of insults…and I can't reclaim my title…

"OH MY GATE!" the guy reached us, and was staring at me…drooling.

"You're drooling," I pointed out. Should I be worried about this?

"Oh my gate the sex god spoke to me," he whispered in awe. And promptly keeled over. I knew looks could kill, or at least knock a middle aged Mexican guy who was probably gay unconscious.

"Oi, you alive?" Eva poked him with a stick. "He's dead."

"I was right, my sexiness can kill!" I danced around like a maniac, laughing. "I killed him with pure hotness!"

_Like a maniac? You are one._

_Not the time, psychotic inner voice~! I just won~!_

_No you didn't~!_

_Out of my head._

"Damon," Lydia began. "Look behind you." I complied, and my eyes promptly bugged out of my head.

"HOLY SHIT!" I screamed, almost…peeing my pants. What the hell was that? Why me? Why did I have to be so sexy? Because Damon is sexy, and don't you forget it! So I'm sexy, sue me. But I'd much prefer if you screw me. Insert Damon super sexy panty dropping smirk. It would be here right now, but it took a break because it was running in fear from a bunch of hairy Mexican monsters with handcuffs.

"Please don't make me your reluctant sex slave, I know I'm too good looking for my own good, but I can't help it! Just like you can't help being born ugly," I begged, earning a WTF look from the monsters and a huge explosion of laughter from the girls behind me.

"Huh?" one of them growled at me. "We're here to arrest you, vampire, for your sexiness. It is too dangerous, you just killed Alvin the Chupacabra! And we are not ugly, you sexy freak." I just had to say that before, didn't I?

"…Alvin?" I asked. "He's a chipmunk, not a Chupacabra, moron."

"No, Alvin is a Chupacabra, Mr. I'm So Sexy," Growly replied, followed by snarls from his other cohort.

"Yeah, and you're Simon and he's Theodore," I rolled my sexy eyes.

"No, I'm Theodore, and he's Simon," Growly, well, growled at me. WTF? I just don't know.

"Mr. Chupacabra, I believe we can make a deal here," Sapphire spoke up, grinning like mad. Which she was, so yeah.

"Which would be?" he asked warily. Well damn, even the three mutated chipmunks are scared of her.

"You can have Damon," Courtney began, smirking evilly.

"If you give us your taco recipe," Eva finished, grinning.

"YOU'RE TRADING ME FOR A TACO RECIPE?" I screamed angrily. "Is this sexiness not worth anything to you?"

"No…"

"Nope…"

"Not really…"

"I've seen better. Much better."

"Tacos are better than you."

"Stefan's hotter."

"What the hell?" everyone turned to Lydia.

"It's an opinion question," she shrugged.

"Like C~chan and mangoes? And Painted-chan and her friend with Lemonheads and Appleheads?" I wondered.

"Hey, Theodore, we need to take this one to the Chupacabras in white jackets," Simon the Chupacabra spoke up. I shot them a dirty look, and then a smoldering look. No luck, I guess Alvin was the only gay one there…Sigh…

"Here's your recipe," Theodore handed the taco recipe to Eva, who took it delightedly.

"Thanks~! We'll invite you to help us eat one of the world's biggest tacos~! We're gonna make two, 'cuz I'm pretty sure Sapphire can finish one on her own," Eva grinned at the happily.

"That is so true," snickered Courtney.

"So, thanks Mr. Hairy Mexican Monster," Sapphire said happily. "But, I have to double-cross you now. Don't worry about punishment, his uptight brother's gonna talk to us." Sapphire shuddered at the thought, then Lydia grabbed me out of the stunned Chupacabra's chokehold.

"Good luck finding another Alvin~!" Courtney said cheerily, winking at them as we began to fuzz out.

"And on your debut album~!" Aksinya called out, grinning as we vanished completely from Mexico. Thank God for that, I could have been gang raped by two hairy Mexican monsters!

"I MISSED YOU FORKS!" as soon as we reappeared outside the noodle house, I hugged a tree as hard as I could, inadvertently causing it to fall on Stefan. I should have done that ages ago…what's wrong with me? "Don't answer that." I shot Sapphire a glare, causing her to laugh.

"Thanks for sparing us the torture of listening to Stefan talk," Courtney sighed, relieved.

"I would thank you for sparing me from being gang raped by a bunch of hairy Mexican monsters, but you were the ones who handed me over to them in the first place," I glared, causing rounds of laughter.

"Gang raped?" the Wolfman snorted. "That's what you thought was going to happen to you?"

"Yes! I'm so sexy, what else could they possibly do?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Eat you and hope your so called sexiness would be absorbed into them?" Sapphire suggested, smirking.

"They could have done that?" I paled. "Thank you so much!" Bow, bow, bow. Yes, I pretty much threw my pride out the window, but I could have been eaten or gang raped by a bunch of hairy monsters. So screw that, I'm happy to be alive and not floating in hydrochloric acid right now.

"Well, it all turned out pretty damn good," Aksinya smiled. "We got the taco recipe, Damon was almost eaten, but he's alive now, and we're back here."

"I don't understand how the last two things are good," Sapphire frowned.

"Ha,ha,ha," I said sarcastically.

"I know, look at your face. It makes me want to laugh too!" she grinned, always insulting me with a snappy comeback. Dammit…

"You win this battle, but not the war!" I yelled. Yeah, that's right. I'm gonna win.

"You just conceded defeat."

"Well, damn, now I feel like an idiot."

"You look like one too~!" Insert super happy Sapphire grin of insanity and promises of certain doom for an extremely sexy vampire. This cannot be good…May my sexiness remain intact after this vacation, God. If you do that for me, I'll stop peeing in the church on your shrine, and I'll do one good deed.


	15. Chapter 15

Me: Ahahaha! I have returned from vacation~! Lolzzz I'm a happy Painted-chan~

Stefan: And I'm a happy Stefan!

Damon: And I'm a sad, sad Damon!

Me: You ruined the mood, man.

Damon: I'm sober, and there's no liquor for miles. I have a goddamn right!

Stefan: I'll get the vervain.

Klaus: I'll go hurt Edna.

Elijah: I'll say the disclaimer.

Stefan&Damon&Klaus: NO YOU WON'T! *chase him*

Elijah: *sweatdrops* *runs*

Rosalie: What are those moron's doing now?

Alice: I don't want to know. 

Me: I'll say the disclaimer. I don't own Twilight or the Vampire Diaries. Or It by Stephen King, although I do own a copy of that book. Really good book.

Rosalie: I'M STUCK IN THE TWIVERSE WITH EDWARD? NOOOOOO! 

Alice: It's okay, Rose. *Pats back*

Rosalie: And now I'm a sad, sad Rosie.

Me: Alright, review replies now~!

**xyueuchihax: And yes, it was just a suit! But I figured I had to put that one in cuz he's always wearing the suit. And yes, that is damn true! Lolzzz I can feel you buzzing in excitement~! But they shall show up soon, Painted-chan promise!**

**HadehariaHailey: Glad me making you laugh is a constant! And yes, the word Oi is really awesome. Not sure why, but it is. And no, Damon's sexiness does not make Oi awesome.**

**HokusKaeru49: SO very true...and thanks =)**

**AriaEzraPLL: Thank you so much! All these reviews make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside~!~!**

* * *

><p>The unthinkable had happened; I was actually happy to be in the godforsaken vampire torture area known to mankind and vampirekind and Edna as Forks, Washington. But it was better than Mexico; at least here there was no way I could be captured or gang raped by two singing Chupacabras out for revenge because my sexiness gave their gay colleague a heart attack.<p>

So Forks was depressingly alcohol-less, but I'm somewhat safe here. Somewhat because Sapphire's here and Stefan wants to rip me to shreds for making him admit he loves Lady Gaga. But at least Edna's gone. That's a great improvement to this place. Without his uptight presence, this is less of a torture chamber. But not much less; it still has zero alcohol here and the noodle house is as bland as ever, as well as the people in it. Except for Jasper. He's my man!

_Ha! I knew you swung that way!_

_Get the hell out of my brain Sapphire!_

_You have a brain?_

_…._

_I win!_

"What are you doing?" I asked Alaric.

"I'm trying to make a new stake launcher," he replied, looking at me. Uh-oh..that look is back in his eyes... I left after that; I did not need to be dead, after all, what would this world be without Damon?

"Happier," Sapphire called out from a hammock. Wait, where did she get a hammock from? Do I even want to know? And why is it in a tree?

_Because most hammocks are in trees, fool._

_Really?_

_And here I thought you couldn't get any stupider._

_And here I though you actually had a good insult._

_Damn you…_

_I WON!_

"I won! I won! I won!" I screamed in joy. Ha, I finally beat that retarded voice in my head! I am a WINNER!

"World, listen up! Damon Salvatore has actually won something! Pay attention to it, cuz it's probably not gonna happen again!" Sapphire announced, still engrossed in her book. Of course she just has to pop the bubble of joy and ruin my victory.

"What are you doing?" I asked her, glaring.

"Insulting a moron, why?" she replied, not even looking at me. Ha, she's probably scared she'll disintegrate or be vaporized by my sexiness. Wait, did she just call me a moron?

_Yes. A bit slow on the uptake, aren't ya? And since it took you that long to understand that you were insulted, that makes you doubly stupid._

_Shut up._

_The victory is mine now._

_Grrrr…._

_Ha!_

"No, I meant what book is that?" I gestured to the book, still angry about my defeat.

"Oh, I'm reading It," she shrugged.

"What is it?" I asked. Huh? I know she's reading it, but still. Could you get any more cryptic? I know she thinks I'm a complete idiot, but still...

_And she thinks right!_

_SHUT THE HELL UP!_

_M'kay~!_

"It," she began, rolling her eyes, "is a book."

"I know it is a book you're reading, but what is the name of the book?" I was getting frustrated now.

"It," she replied.

"Huh?" my oh so eloquent response was. Damn, she's killing my eloquence! No!

_What eloquence?_

_Is this some kind of three way conversation now?_

_I'm surprised you even know what that is. _

_Damn you._

_Already damned, my idiotic friend._

"Here," she showed me the cover, which said, It. "It's a Stephen King book." Now that made much more sense. It is the name of the book! Wow, the guy must be a sadist, either that or he loves to mess with people's heads. Then again, who doesn't? Probably Edna and Stefan, but that's just because they like to suck the fun out of everything. Then again, Stefan does loosen up once in a while. I mean, he does go to the Grill, and Gaga concerts. So really, its just Edna.

"I wonder if the gyandromorphic hermaphrodite even knows what fun is," Sapphire mused, staring at a cloud shaped like a dragon with Mickey Mouse ears. Eh?

"What's a gyandro-whatever the hell you said? It's too non sexy for me to think about it," I explained, making her smirk in response.

"It's a being with characteristics of both sexes," she replied, grinning at me.

"Well, then Edna is definitely that," I agreed. Wow, I don't think we've ever had a conversation this long without insulting each other. Oh, wait she insulted me in the beginning, never mind that. And damn, she was smart. Maybe if I was smarter I'd be able to reclaim my title as Insult King!

_Like hell that's gonna happen._

_Yeah, it's a three way mental conversation. _

_That's right. _

"What's it about?" I asked her, changing the subject and wondering how I ended up having a discussion about a book with Sapphire of all people. I mean, she doesn't exactly look like she reads a lot, and this book was long. But if I made a list with the things wrong with Edna, that would still be longer. Well, that would outlast any and everything. If I had all the paper on Earth, it wouldn't be enough to list the things wrong with Edna.

"It's about a psychotic murderer clown going on a killing rampage every twenty-seven years or so in this town called Derry, and it mostly kills kids, and dismembers the bodies and lives in the sewers. I just got to the part where a girl hears voices coming from the drain in her sink, and then blood explodes out of it, but her parents can't see it," Sapphire explained the book to me. Holy shit! That sounds awesome! And definitely sounds like something Sapphire would read. No cute romance books, or anything like that. Horrifying murder book? Definitely her.

"Hey, Fire, can we go to Derry? I want a psycho killer clown as a pet," I told her enthusiastically. It would be so awesome if I had one of my own! Think about the torment I could inflict on Stefan, who's scared to death of clowns! Or maybe that's someone else? Nah, Stefan's not scared of clowns...is he? Well, when we find It, then we shall see.

"Hell yes!" she yelled, getting up. "Think of what we could do with a psycho killer clown!"

"I know! We could torment Stefan!" I shouted happily. This was gonna be awesome~!

"Or sic it on Edna!" she cried joyously. Haha, the...whatever she called him...is gonna go down! WE ARE AWESOME! Yes! When we collaborate, beautiful plans are born. Beautiful, sexy, amazing, awe inspiring, smart, brilliant, dangerous, super awesome, plans that ooze sex appeal. Just like me, but I'm more beautiful, awe inspiring, brilliant, dangerous, smart, and sexy. Plus I ooze way more sex appeal.

_You just called yourself pretty._

_True…_

_So you just called yourself a girl. I feel unwanted._

_That's because you are._

_Great! _

_Huh?_

_Your pea brain wouldn't understand._

_Hey! I take offense at that._

_Good._

_I really need to name you. _

_Sure. I'll call you Rabid Pretty Boy. Deal?_

_Screw you._

_I never knew you swung that way, Damon._

_I did._

_GET OUT OF MY HEAD SAPPHIRE!_

"Whatevs," Sapphire smirked. Damn, I hate her sometimes. "So you wanna head out now?"

"Hell yes!" I agreed enthusiastically. "Stefan! Sapphire and I are gonna go hunt down a mass murdering pedophilic clown!"

"'Kay, but make sure to look both ways when you cross the street~!" he called back from inside the noodle house.

"Shouldn't you tell a responsible adult or something?" she asked me, raising an eyebrow.

"I did. I told Stefan," I pointed out, grinning.

"Maybe we can get him drunk when we get back," Sapphire suggested, an evil gleam in her eyes.

"We really should," I agreed. If she stopped insulting me, we could be best friends! But if she stopped insulting me, that would not be very good. I mean, she'd have to be nice to me, and I seriously can't imagine Sapphire being nice to me. I really can't see that happening. It's like thinking about a non constipated Edna, or a not responsible Stefan. Or a non sexy me! I shudder to think about what would happen to this universe if any of those things happened. I pity you if any of that happens, universe. I really do.

"I'm coming~!" Klaus yelled, rushing towards us. "I want to annoy Elijah with the clown! Besides, he's scared of clowns." No way. The Original Elijah is scared of clowns. Clowns. I think I might die laughing. But I must be strong. If I die, the balance of sexy will be upset.

"And me~!" Eva said, popping outside. "I love that book! And a pet clown sounds like a great idea! Think of the pranks we could pull!" I have fellow evil minds! Yes!

"Alright," Sapphire said. "Now let's go find us some evil clown to torment various vampires and other supernatural beings with~!"


	16. Chapter 16

Me: I have finally returned~! Sorry about the slow update, guys. Irene killed the Internet, and then there was school. But enough excuses, yes? I'm sure you missed me, but equally sure some of you did not! And probably some of you despise me for taking so long to update, BUT I doubt there are that many of you dedicated to this story!

Damon: Damn right! But we are BACK!

Klaus: Hell yeah! 

Eva: Alright~!

Courtney: Painted-chan doesn't own the Vampire Diaries, Twilight, or It. Take that, I said the disclaimer.

Alaric: *grins* Haha! I created a new stake launcher! Damon get over here!

Damon: *RUNS*

Alaric: *CHASES HIM SHOOTING STAKES*

Sapphire: Morons...

Me: Indeed.

Sapphire: Can I have a cookie?

Me: No. It's mine. *eats cookie*

Sapphire: I have my own. *eats cookie*

Me: Review replies?

Sapphire: Uh-huh.

Me: Thanking...

xyueuchihax: Thank you SO MUCH! =) AND the wait is OVER!

HokusKaeru49: Lolz I'm happy you're happy! And yeah, it's so FREAKING FUNNY! LMFAO XD

* * *

><p>"Where are we?" I asked, looking around.<p>

"Derry, Maine," Klaus grinned.

"Home of It," Eva and Sapphire finished, with evil grins on their faces. Now is it just me, or do they look like they're plotting something? And when I say evil grins, I do mean evil grins. Seriously, Klaus just backed away from them. And if they can scare Klaus, well now I'm terrified and thanking God that I can't pee my pants, because if I could, there would be a giant wet stain spreading. And I don't pray. Or say thanks. To ANYBODY.

"They're plotting something," I told Klaus, and I was NOT, I repeat NOT trembling in fear. I wasn't. Honestly.

"Well, they're getting an evil clown to scare people with," Klaus shrugged. "I'm pretty psyched too, but I don't have minds as evil as theirs. And if I do, I can't remember any." He shrugged absentmindedly.

"Well," Eva began, "Since Fire and I have read the book, we will lead you two morons."

"And just so ya know, we may not come back alive from this," Sapphire said seriously. Wait, she can be serious? How is this possible? Did I enter some alternate reality or something? "So if It tries to kill us, I vote we sacrifice Damon." WHAT? Why me?

_Because she hates you, moron._

_True…_

_Unbelievable._

_What is?_

_I just called you a moron, and then you said true._

_Dammit!_

_Too bad, you lose, Rabid Pretty Boy!_

_Yeah? Well, I'll win next time….I.V.B.!_

_I.V.B.? Is that the best you can do?_

_Yes! It stands for Irritating Voice Bastard!_

_That's it! I'll call you Bastard until I find something that suits you better~!_

_Dammit!_

_Haha, Bastard. You lose yet again. Later, Bastard._

"I second that vote," Klaus nodded. What the fuck? Do I have any friends?

"No."

"Not really."

"Who would even like you?"

_Of course not, Asshole._

"Well, Eva, you're not going to use me as a human sacrifice, are you?" I asked desparately.

"Of course not~!" she smiled at me. Thank God! "You're not a human! You're a vampire sacrifice, silly~!" Great, I'm gonna be sacrificed to an evil clown who dismembers people. How fun.

_I know, right~!_

_Well if I die, you die too!_

_Yeah, but you feel the pain, not me. And if you go to hell, I'll still be with ya._

_What the hell?_

_That's right Asshole!_

"Okay, let's go!" Sapphire said. "Klaus, can ya drag him; he seems to have gone brain dead, well if he had a brain in the first place." Hey! I have a brain! The Voice proves it

"Sure thing," Klaus agreed, grabbing me by the foot and pulling me down into the mud, and dragging me by the foot towards the sewer entrance to our left. Wait, is he taking orders from Sapphire? He's an Original! And she's only been a vamp for…shorter than him, and shorter than me! How is this possible?

"Why are we going towards the sewers?" I coughed out through the mud.

"Because that's where It lives," they all said, rolling their eyes as if that was obvious. "Everybody who's read the book knows that."

"Guys, cut him some slack. He's illiterate and senile," Sapphire said, throwing a grin in my direction. …Okay, I have no comeback for that one. What's happening to me? Am I dying or something? Did something bite me? DO I have brain damage?

_Stupid, your brain was damaged before. That's why I'm here. Or should it be Retard? So many choices…_

"Okay," Eva said, wrenching open the sewer entrance and gagging immediately. "Toss him in, Klaus."

He obliged, throwing me in. Traitor! How dare he? I thought we were friends! Besides, weren't Sapphire and Eva going to lead? I landed with a splash in…Oh no. Hell no. FUCK NO! They didn't throw me into…did they?

_Ya really are stupid! It's a sewer moron, what'dya expect? Daisies?_

Someone splashed…that…onto me as they jumped in without a second thought to the sewer smell. Two others followed, the last one pulling the entrance shut behind them. It was now pitch black in here…and now I'm scared. This is freaky…I'm a vampire, and vamps aren't scared of the dark.

"We're in," Sapphire said from next to me.

"Yep," Eva agreed. "So which way do we go?"

"Can we have some light?" Klaus asked. Thank you! At least I know I'm not the only one who wants light for this. "It would suck if we lost the sacrifice in the dark." Okay, aren't you supposed to be helping me out here instead of wanting me to die?

"He's right, Fire," Eva told her.

"Alright," she replied, and a warm glow emanated from her palm, and an orb of light floated above us.

"So which way do we go?" I repeated Eva's question.

"The orb will lead us to the lair of It," Sapphire said to me. Mysterious and cryptic much? But I guess she's right; the orb just started moving.

About an hour later…

"Fire, this is a dead end," I complained.

"Yes, yes it is," the psychotic she-demon told me, smiling. Am I missing something here?

_How about a brain? _

_Screw you._

_Sorry, man, but I don't swing that way._

_….._

"Oh yeah!" Eva yelled out. "They killed It, didn't they?" Huh? Oh…she did not just say what I think she said. Did she?

"That's right~!" Sapphire grinned at me. Psychotic she-demon indeed. Wait, WHAT?

"Uh-huh," Klaus agreed, smiling at me along with the girls. What. The. Fuck. Jesus Christ on crack. Holy shit and beans in a taco shell. What the hell is this nonsense I'm saying?

"YOU LED ME HERE FOR NO DAMN GOOD REASON!" I was beyond mad. But I have to admire the elaborate plan.

"Well, yeah," Eva shrugged.

"No shit, Sherlock," Sapphire the She-Demon rolled her eyes.

"Pretty much," Klaus said.

"You were in on it!" Now I was really mad. Well, I was mad before, but still! Traitor! "Traitor! You broke the code!"

"What code?" he was confused.

"I don't know," I told him.

"Then why'd you mention it?" Klaus shot back.

"Why are you here?" I returned.

"Why are you here?" he retorted.

"Because I am a gullible fool," I replied smugly. Wait! I just insulted myself! Dammit!

"Come on, Damon," Eva said, patting me on the shoulder.

"It's just a joke," the crimson haired maniac smiled, slinging me over her shoulder.

"I'd rather stay here than be carried out by you," I said stubbornly.

"Okay," Sapphire shrugged, dropping me. "Bye then." She began to walk away, taking the light with her, and then I realized how utterly stupid what I had said was. I didn't want to die in here!

_You're a vampire._

_Yeah, but It could still be here._

_That's not real!_

_Vampires aren't supposed to be real, but I'm here, aren't I?_

_But this is a book!_

_It's real!_

_Stephen King is an amazing author! Of course he can make this stuff seem real!_

_Yeah, well how did a human come up with the idea so brilliant?_

_He's a goddamned genius!_

_I know that!_

_Then why the hell are we arguing?_

_I don't know!_

_You don't know anything; that is not a reliable statement._

_Hey!_

_What? It's true. _

_Shut up._

_Make me._

_I can't, you don't have a body._

_I know that._

_Damn._

_I win~!_

_FUCK OFF!_

_Haha! _

Blessed silence. Well, other than my feet scraping across the concrete floor. And Sapphire animatedly discussing the end of It with Eva and Klaus. I guess everyone except for me had read the book and had not been freaked out by it. Either that or I'm normal and surrounded by crazies. Nah, I'm pretty sure it's the first one.

"Definitely the first one," Sapphire looked at me. "And you have feet, so walk." She dropped me on the concrete immediately, taking extra care to damage my face. Why? Why on earth would anyone want to damage the amazingly hot and sexy face of me, Damon Salvatore, the sexiest person on earth?

But I got up and didn't complain, after all, it would heal. Plus I'm terrified of her. Not that I am ever gonna say anything about that. Ever. But if I'm scared of her, not to mention Eva, and Courtney and all the other girls that came with her, why do I irritate them, you might ask.

_Because you're a moron with no sense of self preservation._

_Right._

_Huh?_

_Wait, did I just agree that I am a moron with no sense of self preservation?_

_Pretty much._

_What has this world come to?_

_I don't know, I's stuck inside your head, and, although there ain't any elbows room in your brain, you head is nice, airy and spacious._

_Thank you._

_That was not a compliment, you idiot. Rabid Peabrain Pretty Boy. Hmm, I think I might keep that one, it's got a nice ring to it, don't you think?_

_No. _

_Spoilsport. You're turning into Stefan. Or maybe even Edna._

"Oh no you didn't!" I yelled angrily, raising my fist into the air.

"Internal debate in your brain?" Klaus asked somewhat sympathetically. Whatever. He's not getting back any of my trust, the traitor. He is dead to me! Wait, never mind, he's a vampire, so he's dead to me and to anybody else anyway. Hmm…How about he is invisible to me? Yep, sounds good. Or maybe he is nothing to me? Yeah, I like that last one the best. I'll keep it.

"We're here," Sapphire announced, stopping suddenly in front of the door we had come out of.

"Um, Fire, how do we get out?" Eva asked, confused. I was wondering the same thing. Hadn't Klaus welded the door shut? Or something like that?

"Oh, that's easy," she shot me a dazzling, or ridiculously scary, smile. "We have a battering ram."

"No we don't," Klaus said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, yes we do," Eva smirked, a look of sudden revelation crossing her face. Oh man, I just know that this is gonna hurt me in some way. Am I turning psychic? Or do I just have an attuned sense of survival?

"Yep~! I'll take his torso," Sapphire offered, wrapping her arm around me like she would be hugging me if she wasn't holding me under one arm.

"Then I'll grab his feet," Eva conceded, holding me feet and keeping me horizontal. What was going on? And why am I the last to know? No, don't answer that Voice. I don't need you right now. I am not in the mood.

_The man-whore is not in the mood for sex? Is this possible?_

I will ignore that.

"Hey, Fire, why are you holding me horizontally? And where's the battering ram?" I asked her, totally befuddled.

"Well you're the battering ram~!" Eva said cheerily, smiling happily all the time. WHAT? HOW?

"Well, your head is hard enough to break through the steel, plus, if I stay in here with you more than I have to, your ego will suffocate me," Sapphire said, backing up. "Now this won't hurt very much. Just a whole lot."

"Wait! Don't I have to sign some sort of consent form or something? Seriously, don't do this! You'll kill the sexy!" I pleaded, as she backed up even more, ignoring me. Damn, and I was groveling too. Let's hope that didn't catch on to her, right? Wait, mind. Stop thinking stupid thoughts. Brace for impact, because a psychotic assassin and werewolf, both beauty queens if they cared enough to clean up and wear a dress, are going to ram my head into a steel door and splatter this sewer with my brain matter.

_You're right, this isn't good._

_I know, right?_

_Yeah, you don't have that much brain matter to spare. Will you be more retarded than you are now? Is that even possible?_

_…Well, if my little brain matter does splatter the sewer, maybe I'll get lucky and the splatter will be whatever part of my brain you're in. _

_One: You can't get rid of me that way, and two, I die when you die, Asshole._

_Burn in hell._

_I'm sure we will._

_Dammit!_

_How about this one: Impeach and be damned!_

_Sapphire, where did you get that from?_

_Andrew Johnson. And, a personal favorite of mine, Off with your head! But say it in a British accent._

_Why? _

_Because it's the Queen of Hearts, moron. And, hey, voice thingie, can I call you Qwerty?_

_Well, it's better than Voice, so yeah._

_What was wrong with Voice?_

_It's so…non-creative, man. It blends in with the gray, dull colors of the world._

_Where'd you get that one from, Qwerty?_

_Not sure, Fire. But it sounds like I'm a hippie, doesn't it?_

_Yeah, it kinda does!_

_Okay, would you two stop talking in my head?_

_Sure thing, Asshole!_

_Bye, Qwerty!_

"Qwerty?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow. Honestly, that was just one ridiculous name. But Qwerty was right, I guess. I mean, it is unique, and damn, I'm using it too! It is catchy, I have to admit. Very much so.

"Are ya ready, D?" Eva asked, waggling her eyebrows and looking a bit too happy about shoving my head into a sewer cover.

"On the count of three then," Klaus said, not waiting for me to answer. Oh yeah, I was going to die right now. And if I didn't die because of them using me as a battering ram, then I most certainly would die of a heart attack for being in the sewers with these psychopaths. Well, who wouldn't be? Seriously, I'm a human battering ram! Well, a vampire battering ram, but the principle is still the same.

"One…" I screwed my eyes shut and braced myself.

"Two…" Dear Father in heaven, please forgive me for I have sinned…

"Three…" I hope I get out of this one alive! Maybe I should have prayed more?

"Four…" Wait? I thought this was on three!

"FIVE!" they all yelled, rushing forward at vampire speed. NOOOOOOO! I'M NOT READY TO DIE! SMASH!

"Ow…" I moaned, rubbing my head.

"See, now that wasn't so bad, now was it?" Klaus asked me, smiling. "And we're out of the sewer."

"Yeah, but my brain hurts," I winced.

"Go munch on somebody," Sapphire shrugged unsympathetically. "Besides, I knew your head was too hard to sustain too much damage."

"I take offense at that."

"Good," she stated, offering me a victorious grin.

"Well, Damon, now we come to the second part of our plan," Eva said, her normally nice face turning malicious. Uh-oh…they are definitely planning something, and there is no way I can avoid it.

"That's right~!" Sapphire said, eyes taking on an evil sheen. Klaus nodded, adding his evil grin to the mix.

"Bye!" he waved as they faded from sight. Wait, what? They're leaving me? In Derry? By It? That's actually a pretty damn good prank, I mean they set up everything well, and fooled me completely. Either way, I'm all alone here.

_No you're not~! You have me~!_

_Dear God kill me now._

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

Four days later…

"I'm back~!" I announced tiredly, yet ridiculously happy to see the blandness of the Noodle House. I guess Sapphire made me appreciate it more. That and her crazy, extremely dangerous adventures.

"Hey," the she-demon herself said, barely looking at me.

"Yo," Klaus greeted me, trying very hard to stay still.

"Is that it? Yo? Hey? You abandon-OOF!" I was tackled by a red blur, then run over by a brown blur trying to get to the red blur.

"Help me Fire!" the red blur said hiding behind Klaus. "The clownbear is back!"


	17. Chapter 17

Me: WOOHOOO! An update! Sorry for the wait, and for those who are waiting on my other stories. School has been keeping me busy, and really, there's no excuse. But I promise I'm working on Whispers in the Dark and Blame it on the Alcohol! *does fist pump*

Damon: See, Stefan? This is why I think you and the Cullens are idiots for going back to school.

Stefan: You have a point.

Rose: Agreed. Carlisle, I'm dropping out of school.

Carlisle: Sure thing, hon.

Jasper: Carlisle, can I divorce Alice?

Carlisle: ...Why?

Jasper: She won't have sex with me.

Carlisle:...Did not need to know that.

Emmett: Carlisle-

Carlisle: ENOUGH! STOP COMING TO ME FOR YOUR DAMN ISSUES! GET A FREAKING THERAPIST!

Sapphire: Meltdown. PaintedinAllColors doesn't own Twilight or the Vampire Diaries, which means I cannot go into the plotline and immerse Damon in a huge pot of boiling cheese or kill Edna. *frowns*

Me: Nicely said, Fire. Now for the review replies~!

**HadehariaHailey: Eep! Thank you so much! And I will try my best! *determined face***

**HokusKaeru49: True words, my friend. Very true words indeed. =)**

**xyueuchihax: Indeed! I wonder how it's all going to play out. Hmm...I better go make up the next chapter~! And you're welcome, glad to make you all laugh! **

Me: Now on to the chapter~!

* * *

><p>Clownbear? What the hell is a clownbear? And who just tackled me?<p>

"Matt," Sapphire said, looking at him. "Listen to me. THERE IS NO DAMN CLOWNBEAR!"

"Yes there is," the red blur, I mean Matt, told her. "It's right there." He pointed at the brown blur that had been chasing him, which was…a bear. Where did the clown come into this? I don't get it.

_Well you don't get a lot of things, Asshole. So I'm not surprised._

_Go away, Qwerty. Hey, why are you calling me Asshole?_

_Because you are one._

_I demand a different name!_

_Okay, how about Asshat?_

_No! Something more creative._

_Hell no. Asshole suits you, and you gave me the name Gift, Asshole. So nothing is changing that name._

_I wish you had a physical presence!_

_Why?_

_So I could throttle you!_

_Bye now._

"The clownbear!" yelled Klaus, hiding behind Sapphire. Okay, now I'm really confused. What the fuck is going on here?

"Why is he hiding behind you?" I asked her, forgetting my rant. Why? Because-

_You're an idiot. And possibly the only vampire who can get amnesia without head trauma._

_Shut up._

_And you're not sexy._

_!_

_That's right, I challenge your sexiness._

_I'll deal with you later._

Challenge my sexiness? Can that even be possible? I must consult with the advisors. Wait, I have no advisors. I guess I'll just talk to someone. Or I could appoint advisors.

"I have no clue," the she-devil shrugged. "Now get off of me! You're vampires, and that is a bear. A bear. So go eat it you idiots!"

"I only eat people," Matt pointed out. "Bears are not my natural food source." Hmm, he kind of looks like Sapphire. Same height, but different hair. His is just red, with black streaks. Almost the opposite of hers. Same shape eyes, but Matt's are more emerald-y. No that, not the word. It's a gem, and starts with an 'm' and its green…

_Malachite?_

Yeah, malachite. And they kind of have the same bone structure, but he's more…buff than Sapphire. And he has no boobs. But neither does that short pixie thing Jasper's with. He violated the code. I need to talk to him about that. So yeah. But back to Sapphire and Matt. They could be siblings…

"Then I'll get Emmett or Stefan to eat it, okay?" she rolled her eyes. "But why are you scared of it Klaus?"

"The clownbear is the natural enemy of the vampwolf," our residential fearsome, all powerful Original from his safe spot behind Sapphire. Or maybe it wasn't so safe, considering she just threw him at the bear, I mean clownbear. Where does the clown part come in, anyway?

"That's it," she sighed. "I'm going to get a non-irritating, non-hermaphrodite to eat the bear." She walked into the Noodle House, which, interestingly enough had become less noodle-like after Constipa left. I wonder where the shemale is…well, wherever that is, I know he's not accepted by society for his constipated she man looks, and that just makes me happy. Damn, I'm a sadistic bastard. No, I am a sexy sadistic bastard.

"I'm Matt," Matt introduced himself.

"I'm Damon," I replied. This is kinda awkward.

"So…," he stated, well more like sighed, but whatever, running his hands through his hair.

"Are you Sapphire's boyfriend?" I asked, well blurted, rather stupidly. Wow, that was a really dumb question.

"No, I'm her brother, you moron," he rolled his eyes. "Are you?"

"No…," I replied. She lied to me! Unless she's dating someone else. Well, I pity whoever that is, because Matt would rip them to shreds. Literally, shreds. And maybe burn the pieces.

"No luck," Sapphire sighed. "They've all gone hunting."

"You lied to me!" I accused her indignantly.

"I lie to a lot of people. It just so happens that you're too stupid to see that I was lying," she shrugged. What? Okay, Qwerty challenged my sexiness, and now she is telling me I'm stupid! I lie too, you know! I'm not Stefan, or, sexiness forbid, Edna.

"No, you said you had a boyfriend," I told her angrily.

"Oh, yeah, I lied," she smirked at me. Frustrating she devil!

"Why?" I wanted to know. Well, if she's single, and I'm this sexy, then she should want me!

"Because I don't want you. And if I told you I was single, then you'd be chasing me like some kind of rabid puppy trying to have sex with me," she replied, rolling her eyes. Okay, I take that as an affront to my sexiness. But I don't want to sleep with her either, so why is this dialogue going on?

"That's a pretty good reason," Matt agreed.

"Yep," Courtney nodded. "Oh, hey Matt-chan. What are you doing here?"

"Clownbear," he told her, as if that explained everything. Well it doesn't.

"Ah," she said sympathetically. Alright, I take that back. It explains everything to everyone except for me.

"So, qué tal?" Matt asked her, flopping down on to the hammock.

"Well, Damon woke Fire up, then we caused a hermaphroditic shemale to storm off, and after that, Damon, Klaus, Fire, and Eva went to Derry. Damon was there to find It, the others were there to play a prank on him," Courtney listed.

"Hiya Matt," Eva said in her usual cheery voice.

"Hi Eva," Matt grinned at her. Okay, how is it that they all know each other? I don't like being the only stranger…

"Guys, where's the bear?" I just noticed that it was gone.

"What bear?" Matt asked, confused. I guess he really does think it's a, um, clownbear.

"Is he still on the whole clownbear thing?" Eva asked, sounding amused. Well, I'd be amused if I knew what the hell was going on!

"Yeah," Sapphire sighed.

"Okay, what the hell is a clownbear?" I screamed, sounding more deranged and unstable than I already am.

"Well, Matt read the first chapter of It, and then he became scared of clowns. At that point, a bear was stalking him, and after he read the first chapter, he 'sees' a clown with the body of a bear. Hence the clownbear," Sapphire explained, looking exasperated.

"Then why is Klaus scared of it?" I wondered. Hey, it was a good question.

"I don't know," she shrugged.

"And I don't want to," Lydia said, emerging from the forest. Wait, why was she in the forest? And I still don't get the whole clownbear thing. Well, either way, I still want to know why Klaus is terrified of it. How is his natural enemy something that doesn't exist? I mean, really, it's just a bear!

"It's around here somewhere," Klaus frowned. "I can sense it. My wolf sense is tingling." Wolf sense? Like Spidey senses from Spiderman? WTF?

"I can too," Matt announced. "It is in those woods, and it will plague the universe until it is killed!" This is getting weirder, and creepier, than I thought it could ever be. And that's saying something.

"Um, guys, it's just a bear," Eva stated. "Aren't you getting a bit carried away?"

"NO!" the two crazies yelled in simultaneous vehemence.

"Okay…," Sapphire backed away from the psychopathic duo. I could imagine her *sweatdropping*. You know, like in anime? Actually add a group *sweat drop* because everyone was as shocked as we were.

"Elijah!" Klaus yelled.

"Yes?" the suit obsessed Original who couldn't take his liquor for shit replied, standing at attention for some reason. Wait, when did he get here?

"We are going to hunt the clownbear," Klaus commanded.

"You mean the bear?" Elijah asked, thinking his brother had finally gone off the deep end.

"No, I mean the clownbear," Klaus snapped. "So are you coming with us or not?"

"Not," Elijah replied, turning around.

"Well too bad, I order you to come!" Klaus told his brother. Wow, even I don't treat Stefan that way. Klaus is a meanie head. …I think Derry is still affecting me. I'm going to go lie down now and hope for the best. What if it makes me nice and takes away my sexiness?


	18. Chapter 18

Me: Are ya ready fans?

Damon: Yep~!

Stefan: Uh-huh!

Klaus: *nods*

Sapphire: I was born ready.

Matt: I'm always ready.

Edward: Hold on, let me finish my makeup!

All: NOBODY INVITED YOU!

Edward: *PMSing uncontrollably* Why? Why don't you love me? *sobs* You know what? I don't need you! *glares**begins singing* Tiptoe through the tulips~!

All: Just back away slowly.

Me: *slaps him*

Sapphire: *kicks him out*

Damon: Well done girls.

Stefan: You forgot to include yourself.

Me: *ignoring* Slow updates, I know...*T.T* It'll be this way for a while, but I will update. Trust me.

* * *

><p>"I am coming with you!" I announced to Klaus. Well, I didn't need to announce it because he'd let me go anyway. My sexiness does have that effect on people, you know. "I shall help you catch the bear!"<p>

"Clownbear," Matt corrected, causing everyone to roll their eyes. Hmmm, now I can see the family resemblance. Not just the eyes and such, but the slight, unimportant fact that they're both complete nutjobs!

"I thought you were gonna lie down," Eva told me, confusion written all over her face.

"Damon, I have a question," Sapphire the she demon said suddenly, pointing a fry at me. Alright, they're magical wackjobs, I'll give them that. And where the hell did she get those in the middle of nowhere? No, I take that back. I meant the middle of worse than nowhere, because Nowhere is more interesting, what with the crazy monsters strangely attracted to the pink dog and his idiotic owners. I'm just saying. "How are you going to help us catch a clownbear when you can't even catch a steady girlfriend?"

Holy! Holy! HOLY! HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS SEXY! Wait, no that's my mom, and love her as I did, she ain't a saint. So…HOLY DAMON!

…_Holy Damon? Seriously, man…no wait I take that back. You are not a man._

_Damn right. I'm too sexy to be one._

_I meant you were a she._

_Son of a bitch!_

_See? Bitch is a female adjective! Haha, I didn't even have to insult you on that one~! You di~id it yourself~!_

_O.O_

_I win~_

"Yo," Matt said, waving his hand in front of my face. "Anyone in here?"  
>"<em>Nope," <em>I said. What the hell? Okay I did not just say that! "I MEAN YES!" I yelled. Wait a second…did Qwerty just hijack my mouth? And my brain?

_You know, I so would, but you so don't have one._

"Fire, this guy is amazing!" Matt cried happily. Huh? Okay, I'm not even gonna try to understand him because somehow I feel that would be risking whatever sanity I have left. Plus its stupid, even for me.

"How?" she raised an eyebrow. Yeah, how? Because normally I'd be happy but somehow I don't think this one counts as a happy occasion.

"He is actually communicating with his split personality!" Wait what? I don't have a split personality!

"He doesn't have one, Matt," she told him, walking over. "His behavioral patterns remain consistent, and if communicating with a split personality was possible, it would have been done long before. There are people with much more severe psychosis than him, and they haven't been able to do it, you know."

"But it spoke!" he pointed out, pointing to my beautiful mouth which had betrayed me by being hijacked by Qwerty.

"It's not an it. The name is Qwerty," Sapphire informed him.

"Ass named him after a keyboard?" Okay now, well that is taking it a bit too far, even if I was spacing out in Fire's nerdy rant. Waitaminute…I need a new word because, although smart and seemingly brilliant she does not count as a nerd. I mean seriously people, nerds don't lock someone as sexy as me in a sewer pipe in a haunted town. They aren't devious enough to do that.

"And my name is Damon!" I yelled, finally realizing he'd called me 'Ass'. Internally, I was fuming, but Qwerty was laughing maniacally. Hmmm, he kinda sounds like the blue haired guy in Bleach…Grimmjow! And with a touch of Nnoitra, a dash of Aizen and Gin, and a whole lotta Shiro. Only none of them are as sexy as me, or as evil as Sapphire, or as crazy as both of us, or as irritating as Stefan..nah, not really that one. He's actually been kinda fun lately. Now is that weird or what?

"Okay, Humphrey," he looked me in the eye nonchalantly. What. The. Hell.

"It's Damon," I corrected him, again.

"That's what I said, Aloysius."

"Damon."

"Alright, James."

"IT'S DAMON YOU MORON!"

"Again, that's what I said, Dave."

Eh, close enough. At least the first two letters are right. And I think this guy is waaay more annoying than Edna. But definitely cooler.

"Can we go hunt the clownbear now?" Klaus asked impatiently.

"Alright, Klaus," Sapphire deadpanned, finishing her last fry. "Anyone else wanna come?"

"You make it sound like you're going," I told her, confused.

"Humphrey Aloysius James Dave Salvatore, if I don't go you idiots will probably die. And if you don't, you'll humiliate yourselves by doing something stupid and ending up asking me for help anyway," she predicted coolly. Well when she says it like that, she makes it sound like she needs to go. Eh, she's probably right.

"So can we leave now?" Matt wondered, tilting his head back.

"Alright, let's go," Sapphire shrugged and headed off into the woods.

"Shouldn't we take supplies?" I asked her. She was the one talking about being prepared all the time, after all.

"Nah, we'll just wing it," she replied, nonchalantly continuing on after Klaus and Matt.

"Lieutenant, are you coming?" Klaus raised an eyebrow, a smug smirk on his face. That's my smirk dammit! You know it is you little bastard.

"But yeah, I'm coming anyway," I told him, quickly rushing to catch up with them. This is gonna be so interesting, but maybe it could be boring. Then again, looking at the people we have here, there's no way. Me, Sapphire, Matt, Klaus, and Elijah and Courtney and Eva and Aksinya were going together. SO it's definitely gonna be SUPER interesting.

"AAAAAGHHH!" a yell came up from where Klaus was. Where'd he go? Oh, wait, he's on the floor writhing in pain. Why?

"Why are you in pain?" I asked, somewhat stupidly, but hey, it's a valid question because he's an Original, is he not? And shouldn't he be immune to pain? Or some shit like that, anyway. I can't remember it all, alright! Damon!

"That squirrel kicked me in the balls!" he screamed in agony. See? Definitely not boring. Already something hilarious is happening! And we're only ten feet into the woods~! Yeah! Damn, I really do attract the excitement!

"Wait, did you just say that a squirrel did that?" Yeah, no way. He's lying. Wanna know why? Because he's an Original, and because that squirrel he's accusing is cutely nibbling on a nut! So freaking cute! Awww, come to Damon little one. I'll teach you everything about being a sex god. He's giving me the puppy dog eyes~! And let me tell you, that is way cuter than when the puppy dog does it. Just a little closer…

"OW! HOLY SHIT! HOLY FUCK! HOLY SEXY DAMON! THE SQUIRREL JUST DAMAGED MINI-DAMON! HE KILLED MY BRAIN!"

"Stupidity begins earlier than expected," Sapphire noted, snickering. How can she laugh when I'm in immense pain? How? HOW? Oh, damn you, you evil son of a bitch. I am going to kill you! I glared at the squirrel, now in a kung-fu stance…which was better than mine. How. The. Hell. Does. That. Happen. HOW?

"Keep the objective in mind," Matt said clearly, picking up the squirrel and gently petting it's back. It curled into his shoulder, and glared at me.

"That'th wight," a lisp came from behind us. "Matt'th got the wight idea~!"

We turned. Matt and Klaus screamed their asses off. Holy shit. That's the infamous clownbear. We're dead.


	19. Chapter 19

Damon: FOUND MY THEME SONG! IT'S-

Me: *claps hand over his mouth* Gonna show up in here soon, and trust me y'all are gonna LOVE it. *grins* But for now, can any of you reader guess it? 

Sirius: Oh it's her plan grin. Me likey.

Me: YOU'RE ALIVE! *glomps*

Sirius: Yep, the world still has sexy me. *poses*

Damon: OH HELL NO YOU DIDN'T! I AM THE KING OF SEXY! *tackles him*

Sirius: Rictasempra!

Damon: *begins laughing uncontrollably*

Sirius: Who's King?

Damon: *laughing* Hahaha...me...ahhahaaha!

Sirius: Who?

Damon: HAHAHAHAHA! *ROFL* me!

Sirius: *increases tickling charm* I'll ask one more time...

Damon: *can barely breathe* OKAY IT'S YOU! *begins sobbing*

Me: And the King gets to say the disclaimer~ Siri if you would? 3

Sirius: 'Course Painted. PaintedinAllColors doesn't own Harry Potter or the Vampire Diaries.

Me: But I do own the clownbear~!

Sirius: Laterz all. I gotta go put worms in McGonagall's tea!

Me: Some things never change...OOOOH GAME OF THRONES IS ON! JON SNOW! A MI ME GUSTA MUCHO! 333 *runs off*

Meli: Yeah let's roll! *follows her*

Sirius: When-? Never mind...

**Review Replies:**

**: Oh yes, yes you'll LOVE what's next. After the room thingie of course~! YEAH! And sorry for the terribly slow updates~**

**HadehariaHailey: HEY! Missed ya too! And thanks; I promise I will!**

* * *

><p>Wait a second...I frowned. No way is that the clownbear. He's so cute! Oh hell, I did not just say that. You know what? I don't want Edna's room. Cuz his girliness is starting to wear off on me and I, oh how do I put this...? DO NOT WANT. But seriously, there is no way this is the clownbear. I mean, seriously! It's a teddy bear dressed as a clown, only without the creepy red nose and evil Pennywise smile. Oh, Pennywise. I shuddered. Never reading anything Stephen King again. Although the book was excellent, the monster was damned creepyterrifying.

"Stay away!" Matt yelled, trembling like a leaf. Now really, how are he and Sapphire related? Just cuz they look somewhat alike doesn't mean anything! I mean, haven't you heard of doppelgangers?

"Um, Matt, hate to break to ya but...THAT'S NOT TERRIFYING AT ALL!" I yelled, trying to bring him to his senses. Could it possibly work?

"Yes it is!" Klaus insisted, trying to hide behind me. Ah, the insanity lives on.

"Get off!" I shoved him towards the 'clownbear'. I knew I didn't believe it. He's too cute to be 'evil'.

_Remember the squirrel Damon._

_YOU SPOKE OF IT! Besides, how was I supposed to know that would happen?_

_Sapphire was right...you do look like a bunch of idiots._

_I'm too sexy to be an idiot._

_No, no you're not._

_Fire, get out of my head._

_Well I know a dude who's sexier than you, so HA! Laters, Damon._

_Wait what? WHAT? WHAT! Oh no she did not just say what I think she said. She couldn't have possibly said it. She-_

"AAARRGGHHHHH!"

"Klaus do you mind? Your horrible scream interrupted my internal ranting rage!" I glared at him.

"..."

"Ah, the eternal quote of 'no comment'," Courtney said blithely, munching on an apple as she and Eva serenely played cards. I'm not even gonna bother asking where they got the table from...I guess I'm getting used to their strangeness. Then again, considering I live with the only vampire who eats animals...they're not strange at all. More like funnily eccentric.

"Yep. I'm JoJo, by the way," the clownbear said, looking up at me with the softest brown chocolatey eyes.

"Damon," I replied, shaking the extended paw of soft fur.

"FUZZY!" Eva yelled, hugging it to her chest. "He's so fuzzi~!"

"Is he really?" Sapphire asked, reaching out to pet his head (Wait JoJo's a him, right?). "Yeah!"

My turn for no comment now. BUT he was kinda fuzzy and soft, and so darn cute! Yeah, this thing's got me going granny. I can see it now:

Me: "Kids it's cookie time!"

KIDS: "Yay Grannie D!"

Me: *Smiling kindly* Eat up munchkins! Granny's gotta go rip somebody's throat out!

Yeah...I'd make a horrible grandma. And to be a grandma in the first place, I'd have to give up being the sexiest vampire stud on earth, and we all know that's NOT gonna happen. I mean, this is ME we're talking about here, ya know? We gotta be a little bit realistic. Then again, considering I just shook hands with a walking teddy bear, have a voice inside my head named Qwerty that won't go away, am on an excursion with someone who can do magic and a werewolf and two Originals as well as one vampire who is terrified of said teddy bear, I think realistic just went out the window. Actually, since I drove here in an RV and was locked in the bathroom reality went out the window then. Well since I'm a vampire, it left since I met Katherine.

"Fire! Court! Eva! Stop fraternizing with the enemy!" Matt yelled bravely from his position of cowering behind my idiotic friend Elijah. He should be a Jonah.

"Matt, this isn't the damn army," Sapphire rolled her eyes, voicing my thoughts. Okay I hope that never happens again. Ever.

"Yes but he's a monster!" Matt shot back.

"He is harmless! Why the hell have you been running from him, anyway?" Fire asked him, raising an eyebrow.

"Because he scares me!" he replied. "And, dear sister, are you insinuating that I am a coward?" Matt narrowed his eyes. Oh boy. Damon no likey where this one's going. I think I'll go find a safe bush to hide under, just in case this gets out of control. Yes, I would normally fight, but when Klaus is backing away slowly, don't you think I should too?

"And what if I am?" she smirked, giving him the manic grin that sends chills up my spine. Great, now I'm freezing my ass off. Thanks Fire. Wow, that is one flaming glare! And now I'm hot.

_Hot and cold flashes huh? I so knew you were a girl._

_What?_

_Well, Damon, when a lady's on menopause, she gets hot and cold flashes... so..._

_SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!_

_See? Mood swings too!_

_Goddammit don't make me-_

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHHHHH!"

"KLAUS! I TOLD YOU TO STOP INTERRUPTING ME! JESUS CHRIST ON CRACK!" I turned around and glared, and trust me, you do NOT want to piss me off. I get angry, and when I get angry things get nasty. For you.

"MATT, I BLOODY TOLD YOU THAT IT'S NOT A MONSTER!"

"SAPPHIRE THE THING HAS BRAINSWASHED YOU!"

"Yeah…," Courtney shook her head sagely. "They get along great most of the time, but when they fight, well damn boy ya better run!" Hmm, now I kinda want to see this…Actually, since my all powerful Original friend is backing away terrified, and um, singed, I shall-HOLY COW!

"WATCH OUT, WILL YOU! JEEZ YOU COULD'VE HIT MY FACE! AND THEN THE WORLD WOULD END!" I yelled, ridiculously upset. I mean seriously, how could she be so careless? How could anyone be careless enough to almost hit me with a fireball? Huh? I have a bone to pick with her! Nobody shoots a fireball at Damon Salvatore; who does she think she is?

I marched towards the two now…floating (?) siblings, fully intending to give them a piece of my mind. Wait…if they're floating, and shooting fireballs, and HOLY DIDDLY FUCK THEY'RE GLOWING! Okay, you know what? On second thought, I'm just gonna turn around and just confront her later on. When she's you know, not glowing, and floating, and… not fighting as if she's gonna kill anyone and anything that gets in her way, and I don't think that my sexiness in going to save me. Oh my sexy, the world really is ending! By the way, what is she? And what is he? Cuz I'm fairly sure normal vamps can't glow and float and such...

…Where'd they go…?

"DUCK YOU MORON!"

What? I turned around to face Eva, who was anxiously waving at me. What does she want? I made a confused sort of motion, and turned back around, my mind already wondering what Fire and Matt were. Hmm...they float, they glow sometimes, and they even shoot fireballs! I GET IT! They're- BOOM!

The world went black.


	20. Chapter 20

Me: OMG HIIII! Lol, so this was SUPPOSED to be the anniversary chapter for this fic~ And I am so proud about this! It's been one year, and even though reviews have slowed down (btw anonymous are accepted), I'm still gonna keep updating, although sporadically. I'll leave a note or something when I can't for an extended period of time.

Jasper: You're so happy~~~ *glomps*

Me: ^^ 

Kol: No PDA, people.

Me: *whacks him over the head*

Kol: Ow. NOT. You hit like a girl.

Me: I AM ONE YOU IDIOT! And just for that, you aren't going to say the disclaimer!

Taters: Painted-chan doesn't own the Vampire Diaries or Twilight. Shame, she could have killed off some of the more annoying characters, then. AND SHE MUST WATCH SURVIVOR. NOW. 

Me: Relax...

Taters: NOW.

Me: Fine, Mr. PotatoHead.

Taters: DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR.

Me: . But thanks, you inspired a tiny part of this chapter. 

Taters: Read my story, Painted-chan. Now.

Me: Make up your mind...

Taters: No. *drags me away to watch Survivor*

Me: NOOOOOOOO...

Reid: Hotch, I think we have a case here.

Hotch: Nah...

Me: T.T

**Z'sNalla: Thanks~! I'm sorry about the freakishly long update time, though...And I hope I did well on this one~**

* * *

><p>"Hmmmm….," a voice considered.<p>

"Hmmm, indeed," another chimed in.

"Really guys? You almost kill him and 'hmmm' is the best you can manage?" Who was that…? Courtney, I think. Jesus Harold Christ, my head is killing me! Harold? Who the hell thought that one up, I wondered randomly. It should be Holy DAMON! Yeah! I love that one, cuz even though I'm clearly not holy, I'm sexy enough for people to worship. And hello people, my sexiness DOES make the world go around, so people (meaning…SAPPHIRE) should get down on their knees and pray to me. Hell yes, I'm the freaking GOD OF SEXY!

_Yeah? Well Elena sure don't pray to that one!_

_ Shut up, dammit! Stupid mind voice._

_ You mean stupid mind voice who can possess your body._

_ Shut it, you egomaniacal, emotionally stunted, egghead._

_ Are you talking to me, or you?_

_ GO. AWAY. NOW._

_ Well if you're yelling at poor Qwerty, then you're bound to be fine. And enough on the freaky sexy rants, dude, they just about make me wanna throw up._

_ Sapphire get the hell out of my head!_

_ OI! Don't talk to my sister like that?_

_ Matt, what the hell are you doing here? Stop invading my head, dammit! This is freaking confusing._

_ Come on, Matt, his brain's too tiny to comprehend this level of psychological communication._

_ I hear ya, sis. Let's roll._

_ WAIT WHAT?_

_ Damon…they called you stupid. And you were too stupid to even notice~_

_ Stop laughing at me; you're part of my brain too!_

_ Sapphire and Matt have both acknowledged me as the superior intelligence, and I have to agree with them. As well as having the superior sexiness._

_ WE SHARE A BODY! THERE IS NO WAY YOU'RE SEXIER THAN I AM!_

_ THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK! _

_ SHUT UP!_

_ WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP? HUH?_

_ HELL NO BASTARD!_

_ Both of you two, shut the hell up!_

_ Jeez, Fire, no need to be so forceful._

_ Damon, if you and Qwerty don't shut the hell up now, I am going to roast you alive with another fireball and feed you to the chupacabras._

_ Um, I'll shut up now._

_ I'm good. I don't actually have a physical body, so it won't really matter if Damon dies. _

_ Oh, so you're saying that the soul is immortal?_

_ Exactly._

_ But, guys, isn't the body immortal too? Because matter cannot be truly created or destroyed, but from energy?_

_ Hmmm, Matt, you have a point. But energy cannot be created or destroyed either, so explain the universe._

_ Magic._

_ Magic is a manipulation of energy. _

_ Well something had to be there to manipulate it in the first place._

_ Ummm, guys? I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! So would you kindly, oh, I don't know, continue this OUTSIDE MY HEAD?_

_ Fine. Be that way. _

"He's fine," Matt said, pouting slightly as I opened my eyes.

"HEY! What right do you have to pout?" I demanded. He freaking almost killed me! I'd yell at Sapphire, but ya know…she's kinda vicious and evil and VERY capable of ending my existence. So no.

"JoJo!" he commanded, pointing at me. "ATTACK!" Wait, what? I looked around, ready to either fight, or run in terror while hiding my sexy face. Just to protect the sexiness and the world's balance.

"Hell no, Matt. You're not the bosth of me!" the clownbear came in, glaring at Matt.

"I'm bigger!"

"Tho?"

"It's the rule of nature!"

"DAMON! YOU'RE ALIVEEE!" Alice squealed, hugging me. Holy crap! She's strong!

"Great….," Rosalie said sarcastically. I'm sorry, but what? Excuse me, lady, but I am the sexiest on Earth here! You should be BOWING to me! Bow down in awe! I command it so!

"Aw, you know you find this a turn on," I smirked. Because, really, who wouldn't?

"You, Salvatore!" Alice snapped her fingers in front of my eyes. I blinked, how the hell did she reach? The girl is freaking tiny… "Make yourself useful and get liquor. We're having a party." Awww, a party cuz I'm not dead? Things are really starting to look up here in Forks!

_**Sapphire POV**_

Oh great, the idiot woke up. Seriously, I don't get why everyone was so worried. The ass is like a cockroach; freaking impossible to kill. Do you think he'd live for three weeks without his head? He actually might, I mused. Really, all that's in his head is his brain, and God knows he doesn't actually use it.

"Fire," Matt called to me, JoJo following close behind him. Ha, who would've thought that would happen? My brother really is an idiot sometimes; "name of evil, face of evil" my ass.

"Yeah?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "Hey JoJo."

"Help me carry the booze?" Matt grinned, his eyes glinting. Ohhhh, I know that look. That's Matt's prank look. Oh hells yes, some fun shit's gonna go down soon!

"Sure," I agreed, knowing the gleam in my eyes matched his. And people say we don't look like we're related. We walked outside and geez, how the hell did Alice DO this? Everything's decorated, and there's a DJ table and everything! I gotta say wow to that.

"Sapphire, Matt," Klaus hailed us out. He was standing next to Emmett, who was…okay, I really didn't need to see that.

"What?" my brother answered him, dropping the drinks off at the table. Great mother of chocolate, that's a lotta liquor. Then again, there's me, Court, Rayna, Eva, and Lydia, and Annamyka, so that's anywhere from 80 to 110 bottles done. Oh, and Xander got here yesterday, so that's 20 more; plus Damon, Klaus, and Elijah, and the Cullens…okay I may be a genius , but that is waaaay to much alcohol to add up. So I'm lazy, sue me!

"We may have some…unexpected guests, just a heads up," he whispered. I furrowed my eyebrows, why the secrecy? Unless…oh God no. Surely Klaus isn't that stupid!  
>"It's coming, isn't it," I hissed, eyes flaring.<p>

"You idiot! You KNOW how they get!" Matt whisper-yelled. Ha ha, oxymoron.

"It's not my fault!" Klaus replied angrily.

"DUDE!"

"Hello, all~," a voice called out. Oh hell no. It's here.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked at once. Because really, you don't bother with helloes when you're talking to someone you loathe. No, not loathe, more like completely despise. It's common sense.

"Sapphire," It said.

"Thing," I responded.

"DAMON!" Damon yelled. We all turned to look at him. I think WTF would be a good term for this one. "What? I think someone should say my name. I am the sexiest of them all, you know." Someone please kill me. I'm surrounded by utter morons. Meaning: Damon…And Kol. Yep, someone kill me now.

"You guys…you threw a party because I'm visiting? So nice of you!" the smug SOB said, smirking. I'd ask what the hell I did to deserve this, but when I think back on it, I probably have a lot of really bad karma coming back to bite me. Well now this makes sense. I almost regret some of the things I did, but you know, that's not really my style.

"We'll throw a bigger one when you leave," Damon cut in. I'll admit it; that was a brilliant comeback. I flashed him a smile; it was as good as anything I could have come up with. See, this is how I'm not a man. I don't have ridiculously overblown pride in myself. But it is fun to crush male pride…especially Kol's. It may mean extreme sacrifice on my part, but I am so ready for this.

"Who are you?" Kol spat at Damon, making me snicker on the inside. If I left now, these two would probably still be arguing when I came back. Stubborn guys, they are.

"Don't hate me for being awesome," Damon shot back, taking a drink straight from a bottle. If they're both getting drunk, they may end up destroying something, but you know, it's gonna be prime entertainment. I'll have to warn the girls, and pretty muc everyone else so we can sit and watch.

"I need a drink to deal with these two," I glared at Klaus, because it was his idea to invite Kol here in the first place. Wait a second…he said 'guests'…Oh. My. Spicy. Food. "The entire Original clan is coming here, aren't they?"

"Yep~" Kol grinned, swinging his baseball bat. Where'd he even get that? Well I don't care at all, because it's just a weapon I'll have easier access to if I need to kill him. Or myself. I took a big swig of I don't know what, steadying myself for the next I don't know how long. Crap. Indefinite time with Kol. I'd better have my fun while I still can. Which reminds me…

"Court," I whispered, walking away from the three stooges. "I have a plan. But we need to get Damon thoroughly sloshed."

"Fire, I may have a better one," my friend said, tequila bottles clinking in her arms. Right, Rayna. Guess we forgot to warn everyone about that.

"I was thinking trash Damon's room and steal the liquor that's sure to be there. Yours?"

Smiling, Court held up the tequila bottle. Oh hell yes. That is absolutely BRILLIANT.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

_Many hours later, and TONS of alcohol later…_

"Guys, I think he's done for," Eva walked up to where us girls were hanging out, sipping drinks. Kol had enough sense to stay away from us, and chat with Klaus, which was pretty good for me. I feel like Lydia and Rayna are hiding something from me, though. They keep laughing at random intervals, and to be honest, it's creepy. And then Court and Eva start giggling too, which really worries me.

"Yeah, I'd say we're ready," Rayna agreed, standing up. We all watched Damon sway drunkenly around…and is he dancing a tango with Elijah?

"Hold on a sec! He's dancing the tango with Elijah, and I want this on video!" I exclaimed, pulling out my phone. Blackmail is always a good thing to have, you know. Oh my spicy food, Elijah actually has a rose in his mouth for this! Wowza, they're drunk. Wait a minute…

"He's wearing a dress," Eva stated, shocked. "Is it just me, or did we do too good of a job here?"

"Oh, we are absolutely amazing!" Lydia grinned widely, laughing at the ridiculous sight. Elijah was wearing a corseted dress (where did he get that, anyway? And isn't he uncomfortable? I remembr), and Damon was wearing a mismatched, polka dotted, purple and neon green suit. Plus, they kept tripping all over each other, and Damon was hugging a bottle of bourbon close with one hand. Holy shit! He just tried to dip Elijah, and BAM! DROPPED HIM!

I think we all fell down laughing at that one, you know? I snickered to myself; Elijah was out cold, and Damon was shrugging and moving on, singing loudly.

"I GOT A PASSION IN MY PANTS AND I AIN'T AFRAID TO SHOW IT, SHOW IT, SHOW IT….I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT! DO THE WIGGLE, YEAH!" I think I just died on that one! It's such a Damon song! Of course THAT would be his theme song; I don't think anyone could have expected anything else.

"PARTY ROCK IS IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT!" he picked up one of those boulders from Esme's rock garden, and put a party hat on it. "Wait," Damon pouted drunkenly. "That's not inside." He managed to stumble over to the house and then, he chucked the rock through the window. "YEAH!" Holy hell, Esme's gonna kill him.

I think Jasper just had a heart attack with laughing, and I think we were all close to the same end. Vampires having heart attacks, how ironic. But I must admit, Damon has a good sense of humor, drunk or not. Looks like he's growing on me…kinda like an endearing fungus. Conflicting symbiosis.

"We are so playing truth or dare after this," Eva told me. "I have a great idea." She had that look in her eye, the same one she had during the Water Tower Incident. I grinned, nodding. Who am I to stop a brilliant plan from coming to fruition?

"Here's one," Damon offered, slurring slightly. I'm surprised he's still standing, but you know, that's Damon for ya. Ridiculously hard to get rid of. "Lollipop~!"

"Dude," Emmett said, swaying. "You know what I don't get? Tampons." Holy shit! Jeez, that's not something you hear every day!

"I once met a girl who lost her virginity to a tampon," Carlisle said matter-of-factly. Wow, he doesn't sound very drunk, but damn is that man sloshed. "It was stuck and wouldn't come out."

"Wazza tampon?" Jasper wondered. Awww…so innocent. NOT. That's just sad, but it could be the alcohol speaking. Major of the Southern Vampire Wars, please. Jasper's a darling, but I guess he can be vicious. Reputations like ours don't come from nowhere, and generally there's no exaggeration.

"Girls," Lydia whispered. "Let's get the hell out of here. Now." I hear ya, Lyd! I don't wanna hear this conversation at all, but since I'm a vamp, I will. Lucky me, with the superhearing. Men are idiots

!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"Toss me the toilet paper, Ray?" Court asked, artfully ripping Damon's sheets into togas for us all.

"Sure," Rayna agreed, abandoning her designated job as liquor raider. She poked her head out the window. "Holy hell, you guys need to see this." Her eyes were wide and she was practically rolling with laughter.

"They're…doing a rain dance?" I wondered, but this was still hilarious! The men were dancing around, stamping their feet, and generally acting more like idiots than usual. I took out my phone, cuz I'll be damned if I don't get a video of this. Technically, I'm damned anyway, but the concept of hell is mental rather than physical, so I do believe I'll be fine. There's that, and the fact that I apparently would end up kicking the Devil out, and I don't think it would want to lose its power.

"Holy crap," we all whispered at once. Wow…I cannot believe their rain dance actually worked. Only it went terribly wrong. For them, at least, I thought as I absentmindedly spray-painted some part of Damon's room.

"IT'S RAINING MEN, HALLELUJIAH, IT'S RAINING MEN!" they all sang, dodging bodies.

"Wow…look at the abs on that guy," Eva observed.

"That's Xander," Rayna pointed out.

"Okay then, look at the abs on Xander," she corrected herself as a man hit the roof above our heads. I looked around; the room was pretty trashed. I must say, we're pretty destructive when we put our minds to it. Really, this only took about ten minutes. And Damon's stash is completely gone.

Some dust trickled down from the roof.

"We'd better go," I said. "The roof wasn't built to hold this much sex appeal." Because, let's face it, the guys raining down were HOT. I think Damon would have gone insane…well more insane than he already is, by the sexy guys raining down.

"I really feel sorry for them," Court said. "The poor guys were probably snatched up by the rain dance, and then they're flung at the ground violently."

"Maybe they're vampires?" Lydia offered as we hightailed it out of there. Pity, we hadn't that much time to work on the room. I shrugged in response; who knew?

"Awww, I was expecting hot babes," Kol pouted, which I didn't find adorable at all. Not AT ALL.

_**Jasper POV**_

"Same here," I agreed with Kol, as I saw Sapphire and the other girls coming onto the back lawn. I grinned, projecting my humor among everyone. Well, everyone still conscious at least. I'm fairly sure Alice, Esme, Carlisle, and Stefan were out cold. Poor kids, they have no tolerance for alcohol whatsoever. And Rosalie was still out hunting, and the humans that came with D were knocked out, too. The werewolf, though, is probably bonding with the pups in La Push.

I smirked, remembering how Kol and Fire reacted to each other. Boy, that one was a doozy! Lust, hate, anger, and extreme irritation all at once is not something I thought I'd ever see. Oh, I think I can have fun with this. It's not that often that I get to let loose, you know. It really (what's the word the humans use again? Oh, right, I remember now) sucks. No pun intended.

"Hey, Jay," Sapphire gently punched me in the shoulder. "How's it going?" I think she knew that I was the least drunk out of all the guys present. Well hell, I have an amazing alcohol tolerance. More so than Damon, and that's saying something. I remember back in the day, when we were both in the army, that we'd both get drinks every Friday we were in town. Which is why I go pretty much ballistic whenever I hear 'Last Friday Night' by Katy Perry. WE practically created Friday, lady! Not, you, US!

"Hi," I responded. Kind of a delayed response, but I'm half drunk and lost in nostalgia.

"You're up to something," she stated, out of the blue. Well, maybe not so out of the blue; considering her reputation, I would have been amazed if she hadn't picked something up.

"No I'm not," I said automatically.

"If you say so," Fire replied, blue eyes cool. I knew she knew that I knew that she knew I was up to something. …Wait, what? I'm too drunk for this.

"EVERYBODY LISTEN UP!" Eva yelled. Holy crap, that one hurt my ears! Who knew such a generally quiet person could yell so loudly? Not me, that's for sure, I answered myself. Oh, great. I'm starting to have mental monologues with myself. That's probably not a good thing.

"WE'RE PLAYING TRUTH OR DARE, SO EVERYONE SIT YOUR ASSES DOWN!" Courtney shouted equally loudly. We sat. Yeah, so? She scares me…and se runs with Fire, so I think it's safe to say Court's as tough as nails. Besides, I'm drunk.

I sat in between Sapphire and Damon, both poking fun and insulting each other. Well, that's just to be expected; those two don't get along. But it's more good-natured barbs than anything else, really. You want proof? I feel friendship, slight annoyance, and a bit of amusement radiating from them both. Well, and a bit of indigence from Damon, but that's just because Fire just called him unsexy. Oh, those two.

"Who's going first?" Lydia questioned, raising an eyebrow. Oh my God, you do not ask that question in a roomful of drunk vampires. It's simply not done, well not unless you want to start a riot. In which case, go ahead. It's the easiest way.

"I will," I declared. Better grab my chance now. I stood up, and backed a bit away, tensed to start running. I have a sense of self-preservation, you know. Don't doubt me on that one.

"SAPPHIRE! I DARE YOU AND KOL TO GO OUT!" Oh crap. Holy crap! I'm outta here, cuz the two of them are producing a hell of a lot of rage. And a general urge to rip me apart, piece by piece.

"AAAAHHHHH!" Yep, at least I had the decency to scream like a man!


	21. Chapter 21

Me: HELLO MY LOVLIES! I HAVE RETURNED!

Jasper: *hiding* Shhhh! Kol and Sapphire were hunting me...

Kol: Boo. *smirk*

Jasper: EEEK! *hides behind me* 

Me: Yes, because I'm going to shield you from ultra strong vampires.

Damon: I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT *dances*

Klaus: Painted-chan...this disclaimer is getting too crazy.

Me: Not my fault you're all drunk...

Everyone: Yes it is.

Me: I DON'T OWN! Ha, now none of you get to say it~

Everyone: O.O

**REVIEW REPLIES~**

**chickentikka99: xD EPIC! Gracias for the compliment, and your penname makes me hungry . or maybe it's just me...**

**gillykat: xD I can't possibly give up on any of my stories, I love them too much! Trust me, I'll keep writing~**

**Goldinwillow:...Thanks Taters...I'm so flattered *le sarcasm xD***

**BeTheChangeThatYouSee: Awesomesauce penname btw~ And thank you!**

**Gillian: Thanks! I had to think about how they'd react what with Klaus' 'amnesia'. The whole new start thing and all lol.**

**Ileana Mackenzie Collins: ^.^**

**Z'sNalla: xD I'm glad you liked it ^.^ Thanks for the compliments lol, and me too! I hope I did the date right...they didn't argue too much, but I guess I can always go back and fix the chapter. And Matt's plan is coming up in the next few chapters, but you have something to looks forward to when Damon returns on Monday. (In the story, its Friday right now)**

* * *

><p><span>Damon POV<span>

Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Oh Holy Damon (damn, I really like the sound of that one), Jay really is an idiot sometimes. Kol and Sapphire! She was just complaining to me about him! For an empath, he's kind of, okay HIGHLY, insensitive.

"He didn't…," I whispered to Matt. Because I have got to be hallucinating if Jay just did that. Don't question it, it's possible. I did drink a lot, and I do have a tendency to be mentally unstable.

_There's no 'tendency' about it. You just are._

_ Shut up._

_ Ha._

_ Fuck you._

_ Don't swing that way, but you know, I'd do me too if I had a physical body. Heh._

_ No comment…_

"He did," and I looked over to see him…smiling? Why is he smiling? What's going on? "Come on, Damon, don't tell me you haven't seen it."

"Seen what?" Dammit, I'm so confused right now! Someone better explain things to me right the hell now, or I swear to Damon….

"The way they look at each other…I'm saying this not in a romantic movie kind of way, but in the way…well, Matt, explain it?" Rayna looks at me exasperatedly. I'm not an idiot, and not an expert on relationships for sexiness' sake! Jeez, I don't date…I just screw. I'm a man-whore for Sexiness' sake! What part of eternal, sexy, epic, drop-dead-dreamy gorgeous, player, stud is so difficult to understand?

"They have…a history," Matt shrugged. Yes, because I'm supposed to know exactly what he means by that.

"Matt, I'm not an expert in Sapphire's personal history," I said, raising an eyebrow. "So elaborating will be nice."

"No, I'm crap at explaining stuff," he shrugged. "I learn by experience, and my method of teaching involves napping." How is it that most of the supernatural world cowers in fear of this person? I'm sure we're all asking ourselves this right now…then again, he/Fire did almost roast me with fireballs. Hmm.

"Damon, you have school tomorrow," Alice waltzed past me, patting my head.

"'Kay," I shrugged. Great, school. Commitment. Charming. "Matt, you are Sapphire are coming to school with me tomorrow."

"No."

"Alright."

"GUYS!" Eva yelled. "Let's just follow them on their date!"

"Genius," Aksinya beamed. "Absolutely brilliant, Eva. Damon, are you in?"

"Of course!" I stood up. "I have to make sure nothing inappropriate happens to my darling sister."

"That's my line," Matt glared. "You can be her daddy. But I'm the big brother."

"But she's older than you…both of you," Eva said matter-of-factly. So? She's still my little girl! I can't have any stranger dating her without my approval! And I know what kind of smooth operator Kol is, so I must be there to protect her. The man has to keep his hands to himself on this one.

"She's my little girl," Klaus gave me the look. I shuddered. "You can be the uncle." What? Did he just demote me? To uncle? What is this? WHAT TREASON IS THIS?

"Fine, I'm uncle," I relented. "But I'm not happy about it."

"No, I'm uncle. You can be grandpa," Jasper told me. What? No, no, no! That is just plain wrong!

"Are you kidding me? Jay, if anyone should be grandpa, that's Klaus! He's the oldest one here, anyway," I protested.

"Nein!" Klaus frowned. "I may be ancient, but Jasper can be Grandpa. Damon is uncle. I am father. Matt is brother. The end, okay?"

"Fine…," we all mumbled, except for Matt, because really, he can't protest his role at all. BABY, HE WAS BORN THIS WAY! Yeah, Stefan would be proud of me for that one. Hehehehe…Not that I care.

"So we march!" Jasper declared. Yes! Let us march! We must protect our baby girl/granddaughter/sister/niece! Despite the fact that she can incinerate us all!

"Don't you think you guys are getting a bit carried away?" Courtney asked, raising an eyebrow. Is she doubting out cause?

"No!" we all yelled back simultaneously. He better not be like me! I glared at the tree.

"Okay then….," Court said, backing away from us. She looked freaked out…That's not the reaction we want. We want fear! Terror!

"Elijah! You may be her...second cousin twice removed!" Klaus declared, pointing to his brother.

"No. I want no part in this," he said, walking away calmly. Well! At least we know who cares now.

"They're going to the movies," Matt informed the group. I think we should have a name; I do not like referring to our awesome selves as 'The Group' or 'We' at all times. How about 'The Damons'? Or 'D.I.S.S.I.D.'? It's an acronym, and a palindrome. It stands for 'Damon Is Sexy, Stefan is Dumb'. But I'm leaning more towards 'The Gathering of People Led by Damon, the Sexy, Dreamy, Hot, Gorgeous, Amazing, Awesome, Musical-Chupacabras-Drop-Dead-At-My-Sexiness Sexy, Ultra, Fabulous, Lovely, Incredibly Hot, Incredible, Mere-Words-Cannot-Describe-My-Godly-Awesomeness Awesome, Wow, and Everybody Else Who is Less Sexy, Dreamy, Hot, Gorgeous, Amazing, Awesome, Musical-Chupacabras-Drop-Dead-At-My-Sexiness Sexy, Ultra, Fabulous, Lovely, Incredibly Hot, Incredible, Mere-Words-Cannot-Describe-My-Godly-Awesomeness Awesome and Wow Than Me'. We shall be the ''! I like it~! A lot~

"Guys!" I yelled, interrupting everyone. "I have something of the utmost importance to say! Our name shall be the '' !"

"Where does that come from?" Klaus asked me, raising an eyebrow. Do not doubt me, fellow brother! Yeah, he's her dad, and I'm her uncle, so yep that's correct genealogically.

"It's an acronym," I stated proudly. Yeah, you look at me and wonder what the hell that even means.

"Your acronym needs an acronym," Jay told me, snickering.

"Shut up, Grandpa. Do you wanna know what it stands for?" Oh please, of course they want to know what it stands for! How could they not want to? It just compels you to want to know, you know?

"Not really," every member of the said in unison. Oh yes they do want to know! They're lying! How can they lie to me like this?

"Well I'll tell you anyway!" I declared. They better listen to this! "It stands for-mmmph?" I looked around in horror as someone backed away from me, having duct-taped my mouth shut! How dare they do this to me? I'm Damon! King of all things Sexy!

"Mmph? MmmmMPHPHMMM! MmnmmnmPH!" I yelled indignantly. My language, it is too sexy for them to understand.

"Good job, Klaus," Matt said lazily. "Now you guys can go. I trust in you to do me right!"

"I'm the leader here!" I ripped the duct-tape off, stripper style. Le sexy wink and smirk combination. No woman can resist.

"But…Eva and Courtney are standing over there…resisting," Jasper pointed out, smirking.

"What? Impossible! Who are they talking about?" I demanded. I must know! It is of utmost importance to my crown.

"No, that bit of grass is taller," Eva said, frowning at her friend.

"It is not taller than the adorable mushroom!"

"…They don't count….," I said. "Their brains work in different ways." Yeah, that's it! That has to be it! How else could they resist me?

"Pretty easily, actually," Matt called out. "We seem to manage."

"The musical chupacabra didn't," I will cling to that memory as living proof. Well not living, since he died, but it's the same principle, okay?

"….." Yep, they're so impressed they can't even talk. Ha, how awesome am I?

"To the movies we go!" I shouted, striking a pose for emphasis. "Don't look at me like I'm insane, join me!"

"I want to say no to this idiocy…but I cannot. Something is compelling me; I MUST POSE!" Klaus debated out loud. Yeah, sorry buddy, but only I am allowed to do that. Oh well, at least he posed too! Ha, I'm contagious! Take that, Stefan!

"Maybe we should warn Fire…," Courtney said, looking at us.

"Nein!" Matt shouted, grabbing their phones. "We will be back…but I cannot say the same about Kol if he gets wandering hands!"

"Oh dear Gandhi," Eva whispered. "What have we done?"

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

Kol POV

Well this is fun. Charmingly fun. We're just standing here awkwardly in the middle of the forest. The good news is that neither of us is dead, so I do suppose that would be considered as progress. I mean, I don't want to be here! It's not that I hate Sapphire, well I do, maybe a little, but it's just that we don't get along. That's pretty much obvious, though.

"So…do you want to go see the Avengers?" Sapphire asked me, biting her lip. I won't deny that I find it adorable…or that she's pretty. But there are just some things you can't tell people, especially people who don't get along with you. And that is me putting it mildly. As for the reason why it's this way; it's rather complicated. Rather? Oh, who's being fooled by that? It's ridiculously complicated, and I don't want to explain it.

"Sure," I shrugged. I'm still not entirely sure what that is, though, but if I play along, maybe this might be entertaining? And nobody will die, possibly? Injuries are to be expected.

"You don't know what the Avengers is?" her eyes went childishly wide. Okay…this is difficult. Damn you to hell, Jasper! Wait, let me justify myself here. See, she's just standing there…and oh God, I am so whipped. No, no, NO! I did not think that. I am not whipped…I am just being nice because I have a sense of self-preservation! Yeah, that's it. I just shook my head dumbly, because I am idiot. I braced myself, expecting to be hurt (clearly, we haven't had the best relationship in the past couple of decades or so), but instead she grabbed my hand.

"I would have thought that was obvious," I raised my eyebrow at her.

"Well come on," Sapphire gave me an impatient look and she completely ignored my sarcasm. Wow, now that takes restraint. The Sapphire I know would never have done that…she would have kicked me where the sun don't shine hard enough to put me into a coma. Huh, I guess she's making an effort not to kill me.

Sapphire's never been one to back down from a dare, and if one of us (me; I have no qualms as to who would be lying on the floor if we ever fought. I'd put up one hell of a fight, but this is Sapphire we're talking about here) is dead, then the dare wouldn't be completed. That is so Fire. Yes, this is what I'm thinking as she began to drag me, at vampire speed, to the movie theater. Huh. I see why pesky young humans like this 'holding hands' sappy nonsense so much; it's actually kind of fun. Gah! What the hell am I saying! Self-preservation, Kol, that's it. Self-preservation and doing a dare.

_ Keep telling yourself that…._

_ WHO ARE YOU?_

_ I am a voice in your head, duh._

_ Holy shit! I'm going insane!_

_ No, you arrived at insane about 30 years back, Kol._

_ Don't say it, voice. _

_ -_- I expected some sort of creativity from you…And now's your chance to fix it!_

_ She won't let me…NOW GET OUT OF MY HEAD!_

_ Fine…_

I'm Kol Mikaelson, the hot playboy with a thing for baseball and women! And apparently with a voice in his head…does that make me insane? Well, to be honest, I prefer the word 'eccentric'.

But still…I don't fall in love. Ever. Never will again. The good thing is that neither does Sapphire. We are safe, at least from that godawful plague.

"Here we are," she grinned, pointing to the movie theater. Ah, so it's a movie…I suppose that makes sense now. Sort of, anyway. But not much makes sense anymore…stupid Jasper and his dare. I'm surprised we haven't hurt each other yet.

"So we're seeing a movie?" I asked. Yes, that is a reasonable question. I don't date…player, remember? So it makes sense. I'm not awkward, just saying.

"Of course, that's why we're here," she rolled her eyes. Wow, Sapphire seems to have had a lot of practice at this…Oh, well. I've had plenty of practice of casual sex, so I suppose we're even on account of those.

"I guess…," I shrugged.

"You don't want to do this. I don't want to do this," she said, buying the tickets and heading inside. She's not waiting for me? Now I'm rusty at dating, but I don't think that's how it's supposed to work. Sapphire bought popcorn, with extra butter, I noticed.

"Come on," she turned to me exasperatedly. "I know you don't want to date me, hell, I don't even want to be in the same room with you anymore, but we got dared." I blinked at the sudden sadness that came over me. Damn, I am not doing this again, I told myself sternly. I better squish whatever the hell just sprung up into my chest just now…for both our goods. It's not happening.

"Right, I'm coming," I replied, rolling my eyes. "Impatient, aren't we?" I smirked at her, waiting for her reaction, which will be undoubtedly hilarious.

"Leave that to one of your many whores," Sapphire said flippantly, walking into the movie theater. She handed me a ticket. "Find me after you're done jacking off in the bathroom. That should hold you until the movie's done."

I blinked. God, she's blunt. I snickered out loud, and it turned to full-blown laughter on my way to the movie. Jacking off in the bathroom? That's original, and completely Sapphire. Ha! I can't say that I've heard that one before, I chuckled.

I slipped into the movie theater just as Avengers was starting. I settled into the seat next to Fire's, who gave me an irritated glare. I flicked her nose playfully, laughing at her expression.

"I'm going to pretend your brother, Damon, Jasper, and Klaus aren't in the back of the theater," she whispered to me, laughing quietly. Hmm, this isn't actually half-bad…..despite the crazy stalkers behind us, of course.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"Shwarma," I laughed as we walked out. Sapphire grinned at me, her eyes sparkling with laughter.

"This town is deprived, they don't have that," she said matter-of-factly, smirking at me.

"Hulk mad," I told her seriously, smirking. I opened my mouth.

"Wait, I can guess what you're going to say," Sapphire grinned back with a hint of madness in her eyes. The good kind, though. She closed her eyes, and made mystical signs. She's pretending to be a psychic, I realized with a grin. "Hulk horny?" I cracked up instantly.

"Never miss a beat, do you?" I retorted, rolling my eyes...yes, I didn't have a comeback for this one...

"Not at all," she offered me a grin. "Well, we survived the night, and I am STARVED!" Huh, Sapphire really hasn't changed, has she? Well, neither have I. But I'm maudlin.

"See ya," I waved at her. "Wait, why am I waving? We are going the same way, aren't we…"

"Oh, right. You know," she said introspectively, "I actually had fun on this….date." She shuddered at the word nevertheless, but I did agree with her. Hmmm, I'd better be careful, though. Very careful, I thought to myself as we whooshed to that bland house.

"Did you have fun?" Klaus asked, raising an eyebrow. They were waiting for us in front of the house. Sapphire facepalmed, causing me to chuckle. I think I've laughed more now, than before.

"Not too much fun, I hope," Damon glowered at me. "LEAVE MY DARLING NIECE ALONE! , attack him!"

"What?" Matt turned. "I thought we were the 'Knights of Awesome'! Oh well, I really don't care." I smiled, Matt and I had always been good friends. At this point, I knew what to expect from my lazy brother-figure.

"No, Matt, we're the 'Protection Men Security'," Klaus corrected. My brother is such an idiot sometimes…

"I am not a PMS-er," Damon protested.

"You're moody enough to be one," Sapphire told him, flashing a companionable grin.

"Am not, you bipolar she-demon," he narrowed his eyes at her. Okay, nobody insults my girl in front of me! Wait, WHAT? Deep breaths, Kol. This isn't happening. Not again. You're drunk. There was something funny in that popcorn…Self-preservation…dare…right? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

Klaus POV

"By the way, guys," I cut in, smirking. "Damon and Jasper had an accident in town…" I shuddered internally at what had happened, but, hey, it would make the people of Forks happier in the whole! And cause a lot of babies come springtime. Ah, if Edna was here, his/her expression would be entertainment for decades, centuries, even, to come.

"Oh…should I bring out the Emergency Kit?" Jasper asked me, swaying slightly. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best idea to go…scout out their date while we're all drunk. But that's what makes it fun~

_Of course!_

_ Oh, hello Voice._

_Klaus, Damon's voice got the name Qwerty. I want a name._

_ What? We have been together for hundreds of years, and I've called you Voice, and you loved it, but now you're changing this! _

_I'm sorry! It needs to be done! I can't live like this anymore!_

_ No…you can't do this to me! Please, don't do this!_

_I have to!_

_ I thought we had something special!_

_We still do! Can't you see that I'm trying here?_

_ But now you have to go and change everything!_

_,,,Is it just me or are we both acting drunk here?_

_ Yeah…I'm sorry. I just get so emotional sometimes…_

_It's okay, man._

"Klaus?" I blinked. Who called my name just now? I possibly spaced out there for a moment. Well, I always do that, so nothing to worry about there. And I did get my memory back…not. See, I never actually had amnesia. I'm still a badass Original vampire, but I read this book called Autobiography of a Yogi, and it made me believe in bigger things. So basically, I'm not out to take over the world. There's probably an easier way than killing the doppelganger, anyway. I mean, seriously! The girl just wouldn't die, and trying to pry her away from Damon and his square-faced brother who would have most likely became my minion had I continued on my previous course in life, would not have worked!

"Oh, hi Fire," I smirked at her. "How was your date?"

"It was alright, I've had better," she shrugged. "But we didn't kill each other, or argue too much even though the effort from that almost made me explode." I laughed, always a breath of fresh air, this one. Nobody dared to talk to me like that before, Sapphire, on the other hand, talks the way she wants. And that's gotten us all into trouble before.

"Good job," I offered, patting her shoulder. That is an amazing feat, considering how they usually get along.

"Care to tell me why you were stalking us?" she raised an eyebrow.

"I prefer the term 'scouting'," I informed her.

"And your reason?" A persistent one, isn't she.

"Well…," I stalled. "THERE'S A GIANT TSUNAMI OF ALCOHOL COMING TOWARDS US!"

"Damon and Jasper's accident?" she asked nonchalantly. See? This is why we're friends. She only doubts me when I'm actually lying! Only thing is, sometimes that backfires on me…

"Yep. NOW RUN!"


	22. Chapter 22

Thanks to all of you guys who read my stories and review, it means a lot. Honest. Despite this being total crackfic, I love it. It's my baby, and when it ends, I will most definitely cry. But YOU, YOU WONDERFUL REVIEWERS. Amazing. 76 REVIEWS! May not seem like a lot to those guys who get thousands, but it's a lot to me. I don't own the Vampire Diaries or Twilight, and I'm not nearly brave enough to lay claim to Sapphire (she might hurt me), but I do own this fanfiction, and I'm proud. See, I wanna be an author. BUT I also wanna be a psychologist, or a scientist and sometimes I want to be a doctor or work for National Geographic Magazine. Or an accountant if I can travel whenever I want, wherever I want. But it MUST involve writing, even if it's as a 'hobby'. I realize this is a lot more serious than my other disclaimers but it belongs on this story, my first story. SO thanks, to all. PS: I'm probably going to start doing my review replies in PM format unless those wonderful readers without accounts (who can still review, just to clear things up) are reviewing. In that case, it'll be done on the story. :) Thanks, to all.

~PaintedinAllColors

* * *

><p><span>Alice POV<span>

The men in my family are idiots. That's really all I can say. What fool somehow unleashes a flood of **liquor** for god's sake? Oh, right. Damon. Moron. At least I can sort of see him in visions; the town would've burned down by now if I haven't. And no, that's not me being overconfident or boasting. Boasting would be saying that everything happened because 'Damon is sexy'. Insert eye roll. He's fun and all, but man is that vampire a handful.

"Alice, thank curly fries for your visions," Emmett told me. Curly fries? You know what, I'm glad I can only see decisive futures and not read minds like Edna…I would not want to know what goes on in some peoples' heads. Not just Emmett, he's a gummy bear. But take Damon for instance. He has internal debates with a disembodied voice that continually insults him and insists that it is sexier than he is. Sure it's funny, but I wouldn't want to have to listen in on that. Yep, he's crazy. Crazy, batty, bonkers. In a good way? Maybe a little bit...

And with people, I'm sorry, vampires, like Sapphire, Matt and their friends running around, I wouldn't want to. I'd think that's why Edward, Edna (you know what, does it even matter?) left, but they're not all that bad. Insane, crazier than Damon, but definitely not evil. Not even Bargain-Mart evil. I mean, seriously! Those salespeople never seem to understand that I don't want to shop there, and I am most certainly a woman! The amount of insulting things I have heard in Bargain-Mart…there's a reason why I didn't send them there. Well, maybe I can send Damon there, cause a bit of damage. Yes, that sounds wonderful, doesn't it? He'll destroy those evil salespeople who can't take no for an answer easily! Revenge is here!

Ahem. So that's why I told all the men there was a sale at Home Depot in Seattle (73.744225243529329522235-8 % off!) and all the women to Walmart (Some guy named Ian Somerhalder was there. Apparently he's hot?) It would be funny if the lies I told them actually turned out to be true, wouldn't it? But what would you prefer: drowning or a long and futile car ride? I'd obviously choose the latter. If people start singing road songs, though, in that case, bye life, it has been wonderful. I'm about to go die now. Because those songs are the stupidest things EVER. Stupider than cavemen walking around naked when there was an ice age and most likely a Burlington Coat Factory right around the glacier. Really, who does that?

"Yeah, we'd never have gotten regular humans outta there in time," Eva said sagely as she ran for her life. Aw, well now I'm all happy. I feel so appreciated. But I have to wonder: isn't it odd how we have such calm and inane conversations while in danger from drowning in alcohol. As if we weren't flammable enough before…Plus, I think our livers could give out with this, even though we're vampires. It's a wonder Damon, Sapphire and Klaus are still alive. Well, mostly Damon and Sapphire, really. They're the ones who single-handedly drained all our cabinets during their little competition a while back. And it wasn't just the alcohol ones, either. Bleach, ammonia, drain cleaner, even formaldehyde, you name something we had in our cupboards, they drank it. All went down their throats. Those two really stretch the whole 'vampire immunity' thing with all the insane things they do. If they were human, they'd have died of alcohol poisoning. Or just regular poisoning. Can stupidity be quantified as a cause of death? Then again, Damon might choke on his own ego, or maybe someone would boil him in cheese.

"Damon could be boiled in cheese if he was human," I told Eva. She's really quite nice, even if a bit…spacey sometimes. And her boots are so cute! "Hey, guys?" Sapphire herself interrupted. "Hate to be a bother, but how do we get rid of that?" Sarcastically gesturing to the wall of liquid getting closer to us. We're vampires, but we sparkle and can't even outrun a tsunami. What kind of deal is this?

"Remember, there are no stupid ideas," Carlise said reassuringly. He really is a wonderful father, and not just because he lets me go shopping fairly often. Even if I did get the cutest skirt ever in Banana the other day. Why do they even call it Banana? I'm not a banana, and I don't think banana's shop there.

"OH, OH, OH! I KNOW!" yelled Damon, waving his hand back and forth frantically. We're not in a classroom…he does know that, right? And even if we were, isn't he the history sub? That just makes me lose faith in the state of the world right now, you know that? Then again, this is Damon. And there's only one of him. THERE CANNOT BE MORE THAN ONE DAMON! If there is, then the world has no more to offer.

"What is it, Damon?" Matt wondered lazily. He isn't even making an effort to outrun this...

"We can set it on fire, and then roast giant marshmallows and eat them," Damon said matter-of-factly. Did you just hear a cracking sound? If so, then that was me faceplanting onto the pavement, leaving an Alice-sized and shaped indent in the concrete. I have such a delicate nose, now that I think about it. It's perfectly centered, and compliments my cheeks wonderfully.

"Get up, pipsqueak," Courtney rolled her eyes at me. Huh? Oh, right. Giant wave coming our way. Must run. Speaking of, how the hell is this thing keeping up with vampire speed?

"Since we're going to die here, I have a confession!" Kol shouted. How wonderful, even an 'Original' is terrified. That's another thing I don't really get; who came first, us or them? They don't sparkle (lucky, I guess, but I look amazing in the sunlight), but without rings they burn. But they have instant regeneration…Lucky. Yep, we definitely got the short end of the stick, especially since they can eat, even though they don't have gifts. Plus, its apparently a lot harder to change people for them…they aren't venomous. Lovely, isn't it?

"Yes, brother?" Klaus asked, rolling his eyes. I knew that look, it's the 'you're such an idiot/drama queen' one I've given Damon, and Rose gives me sometimes. Oh, and we all gave that look to Edward; my record was 102 times in one day. Yeah, it was that bad…

"I-I took your peanut butter and fed it to Genghis Khan!" Kol cried. Genghis…Khan? Peanut butter? These guys are so old. But what does that even mean? Aside from the fact that these people/vampires are completely, utterly and totally insane, of course.

"WHAT?" OW! That hurt my ears!

"If you're going to scream, please do it not on the pitch of a bat," I glared, rubbing my ears.

"Yeahhhhhh," Jasper slurred. I turned around to stare at my husband, and if there wasn't an evil death wave rushing towards us ridiculously fast, I would have fainted into a conveniently placed bush or shrub. Wanna know why? Easy; Rose was dragging him around while he was in nothing but Barbie boxers…oh my husband. You're ridiculous. Some great and fearsome vampire you are.

"How could you?" shouted Klaus, who seemed to be on the verge of tears. These guys are veritably psycho, as they say now. "I loved that peanut butter! And you weren't allowed to feed Genghis, he was MY PET! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!" With that, the oldest vampire in history collapsed on the grass, waiting for his death.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

Carlisle POV

I've seen a lot of things in my long life, but this is something entirely new. And just when I thought there was nothing more that I wouldn't expect to happen, other vampires showed up, bringing with them a hilariously unpredictable craziness. Oh, and Damon, the Edward-repellent. I wonder if I could bottle his essence or something like that and turn it into a spray? I'm telling you, I could make trillions of dollars selling it to vampires that have met him. Hell, he could go to the Volturi, Aro'd change his mind about wanting old Eddie pretty quick after living with him.

And Aro would lose it completely if he was seeing what I was seeing right now. An Original crying over peanut butter and a pet Genghis Khan. It's impossible that they're talking about the original Genghis Khan; peanut butter wasn't around back then. Unless…they formed a conspiracy to keep peanut butter from the rest of the world and eat it all by themselves! Of course! I need to plot revenge for this, no matter what it takes, because that is a crime worthy of execution! Death, whatever is the worst thing imaginable, they must be subjected to that for depriving the world of the sticky, wonderful treat known as peanut butter. This, I believe.

It hurts me to think of all the children who didn't have a proper childhood because of this (including myself). I was introduced to it by Caius, surprisingly. It's how we bond, through peanut butter. See? It has the power to bring people, well, vampires, together.

"Carlisle, hurry up," Esme told me. Why is she faster than I am? I eat peanut butter every day! It makes animal blood just so much more bearable. Oh, such a funny pun. Get it? Bear-able, and I eat bears instead of people? I crack myself up sometimes.

"Alice, stop staring at that scarf," Rosalie snapped. She's a wonderful daughter, always looking out for everyone. Except Bella, but that makes a lot of sense, considering Bella wanting to give up what Rose desires so badly. It's a psychological thing.

"Esme, I'm going to get a degree in psychology," I announced. It's really such a fascinating study.

"Alright, love…ALICE STOP STARING AT THE SCARF! Do you WANT to die?"

"No, but it looks so silky and soft…and it's a beautiful shade of-OOF!" What just happened? I think we're all staring dumbly at the (don't think I'm completely crazy, because you think there's no way this is actually happening. I don't think I'm hallucinating on this, though. I'm Carlisle, I don't…how shall I say this? Oh, yes, indulge like my guests and children) giant rabbit that just head-butted Alice about twenty feet in front of us. That's scary…like werewolves, only bunnies? I always thought they were these cute and fluffy things, and I'd forbidden anyone from drinking from a 'poor, innocent bunny-rabbit', but this thing is NOT helpless. In fact, I think it could take me...Perhaps playing dead would be a good call if this gets out of hand. I knew I should have bought those giant carrots, but noooo, we're vampires, we don't eat! Ridiculous but true, and I'd really wanted those carrots! Ha, shows who's right now, doesn't it Esme?

Oh my sacred peanut butter, it just sent Emmett flying. That is a scary bunny… I think I'm going do what Damon calls 'pulling a Stefan' and start eating bunnies, if only to get over this trauma.

"Stefan! STOP THAT!" I heard Damon shout. That poor boy is attacking the bunny…Aww, Damon does care about his brother after all! How adorable is that? I'm sorry, near death situations like these tend to leave me with a rather odd temperament. Do excuse it.

"No, don't stop it," Elena rolled her eyes from atop Esme's back. They're bonding; isn't it lovely? She's been with Esme this whole time, I can't blame her. Esme is quite stable (unlike Damon). That girl is rather sensible too; I'd love to get to know her better.

"Oh, right," Damon said, smiling. He's so…odd. Strange. Insane. Batty. I think I'll burn all the rum in my house (if it's still standing) after this.

"Is that it?" Sapphire asked him sarcastically. She's temperamental, to say the least, but I guess it could be much worse. Seems like when her brother's with her, they balance each other out. "Because, last time I checked, you morons let loose and huge wave of I don't even want to know what while being too overprotective!" There's that too...Oh joy. My house will definitely not be standing after this. If it is, then it can survive anything. ANYTHING.

"Don't wowwy Thapphire. I'fe got thith," JoJo said confidently. That clownbear, who, might I just add, is extremely adorable, smiled.

"Mmm, sure," she shrugged it off. "By the way, who's going to carry Stefan? Poor boy's out cold from draining that bunny. I don't understand this, but I'll figure it out soon enough."

"I'll carry him," Damon offered.

"Nooooooo," Stefan groaned from his position of hugging the unconscious bunny's ears.

"He appears to disagree with that," Matt said unobtrusively. "I'll do it; you'd probably end up dumping his body in a sea of boiling cheese. Don't look at me like that, they exist."

"I'm sure they do," Rosalie nodded. That was a very convincing job keeping the pure sarcasm out of her voice, I must say.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHP9W8TCYN3OI3 9PIWOHFAQ39UEW!"

Everyone stopped (except for Stefan, who was still out cold) and turned around. I'm not sure how that was pronounced properly, especially considering JoJo has a lisp, but the wave stopped. That was….amazing. Yep, that's the word for it. Amazing.

"Did that actually happen, or have I finally lost my ancient and admittedly crazy mind?" Klaus spoke, breaking the silence. I think everyone had that question on mind, albeit not phrased as such.

"I…think so…," Elena said, eyes wide. She hopped down from Esme's back, staring at the place where the wave had been looming. "Group hallucinations aren't possible, are they?"

"Don't think so," Matt shrugged. "I'm not up to that part yet in Group Psychology." As in Sigmund Freud? It appears that we will have many things to discuss in depth later on, me and Matt. I wholeheartedly look forward to that chat.

"I can't believe that actually worked!" JoJo's joyful voice rang out. Why does that statement not surprise me at all?

"That's because it didn't," an amused voice said. "Elena, there you are. I've been looking for you-," the girl paused, blinking. "I don't want to know what happened here…just, don't tell me."

"Fair enough, Bonnie," Elena smiled. She looks rather happy; I suppose that's a good thing. In any case, it appears that everyone else will be getting an explanation later on…I really do hate being kept in the dark.


	23. Chapter 23

Back, bitches. I don't own, you got that? Finally got to say the disclaimer, too :3

Yeah so this is short and probs a bucketload of filler, but hey, I'm back and you know you missed me and the pure crack I spout. Please, actually review this time :3

VRISKA: Doooooooo it ::::)

Me: VRISKA BBY :D

Eridan: Wwhat am I? Chopped livver?

Me: *hugs mah Homestuck babies to infinity*

* * *

><p><strong>Damon POV<strong>

Oh. Great. Now the little witch is here too. At least we're saved from impending doom, because it would suck having 'Dead by giant alcohol tsunami' on my tombstone. Really, it would be such a lame way to go. Idiots would take it as a metaphorical thing meaning that I cannot hold my liquor. But it actually means what it says. I wonder where it all went, though...I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot more of it, you feel me there? Especially to deal with the aforementioned bitch-I mean witch-who's glaring at me as if this is all my fault. Well excuuuuuse me, but I don't think I'm the only one to blame here.

"Let's go back to the house," Carlisle suggested wearily. Yes. The Uncooked Pasta house is exactly where I want to go. Honestly, I'd rather go home in the RV. Speaking of, what happened to it? And Jeremy and Alaric? And Aksinya? I haven't heard from them in a fairly long time.

"Huh. Annie says she's headed out with Ak. The crazy-fast alcohol wave was too much for her to deal with at the present," Sapphire said, scrolling through her texts presumably. "She says the two humans are gone too, and that they took the RV."

Oh. Well that clears everything up. Talk about weird coincidences.

"There was an RV?" Kol exclaimed, eyes wide. I can't believe we were afraid of this.

"No shit," Sapphire replied sarcastically, rolling her eyes. That's my girl. I high-fived her; who else would sass an Original that much? Someone truly badass, almost on the same badass-level as myself, that's for sure.

"Guys," I interrupt before they can start arguing again, "I think Stefan is drooling on me. Can you please just take him away? Because today is Sunday and tomorrow is Monday, and I can feel a killer hangover coming on."

!~!~!~!~!

**Damon POV (still)**

It's Monday. Aw, it's Monday. I was really hoping I was too drunk to actually tell what day it was, or too traumatized after being almost run over by a giant wave, but apparently not. It really is Monday. Fuck. Mondays mean school, and because I idiotically took the job of a teacher-they also mean work. Only I'm cranky and tired and I really don't want to go to work today. I think that I could pass off as sick easily; a stomach bug would be perfect. Lots of moaning and groaning and pretending to throw up will be perfect.

"Oi, Alice says you need to wake up." Speaking of perfect, there's always this one person or thing with the ability to ruin all your plans and prevent their awesome deviousness from coming to fruition. And that person was waking me up, and was unfortunately far too intelligent to be fooled by a stomach bug routine than Stefan was. He always wakes me up when I need to do something, and I use that in the loosest term possible, because I don't so much sleep as pass out while my body regenerates and gives me a hangover I should not have because I'm a vampire.

"Nnahhgggh," I mumbled. I hugged the pillow close. The pillow won't mind. It is a privilege for this pillow to be hugged and/or drooled on by my sexy self. It should count itself lucky.

"That means no, I take it," Sapphire, the demon who was waking me up and depriving me of my silence needed to cure my headache, said. I nodded, glaring at her blearily. "Okay, Jasper, you can wake this moron up and get him to school. I'll make breakfast." Breakfast? Has she forgotten we're all vampires?

"Okay," Jasper called. Some best friend he was, being at the beck and call of that woman. I guess he does owe her for making her go out with Kol, but hey, that movie was really good. I'm just saying. "Wake up." He nudged me with his foot.

"You're doing it wrong," an impatient Sapphire sighed. "Let me."

"Why'd you call me, then?"

"To bug you."

"OW!" I stood up immediately. "What the hell was that for?"

"You're awake, aren't you?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that you just kicked me in the side and probably broke my ribs!" How stupid could she be? And usually I'm the recklessly violent one, but this is taking things to a whole new level….Is she trying to usurp my title of recklessness? Because I don't think that's gonna happen. Frankly, I'd rather die than be beaten by Sapphire, who, by the way, is going to pay for dragging me downstairs to get ready. I'm the king of idiocy, dammit, and I'm proud.

_That is not really something you should be proud of, moron. _

_ Shut up, Qwerty. It's called rocking the look and going with the flow. _

_ Oh. Well, if I had eyes, I'd be blind due to your metaphorical hideousness while doing so._

_ That was cold, but you don't have eyes, or a being. _

_ Yeah, because your stupidity burned them away._

_ I'm only stupid because I was following your advice. You know, that little voice in my head that tells me what to do. I think that would be you. _

_ It's normally a conscience, but you don't have one._

_ Then why are you still here?_

_ Because I'm the devil on the shoulder, not the angel._

_ Well, you're still the voice in my head telling me to do stuff, whose advice I do follow, so it's still all your fault. _

_ Che. Well, I'd better get into that role, so here's an idea…._

I grinned; that was absolutely genius. "Jasper," I said out loud. "I'm going to need your help with something. I know what class I need to teach, only I'll need some help doing it." I whispered my idea to him.

"You're crazy," he laughed. "Brilliant, but crazy. So I'm in."

"Awesome," I smirked. This was going to be the best revenge plot the world had ever seen. And now, all I needed were the two participants who would absolutely be unwilling to be kidnapped-I mean taken- to the high school. "I'll get Target X, and K and you get Target M."

"Why am I always stuck with the difficult ones?" Jay sighed.

"Don't be ridiculous," I scoffed. "Targets X and K will be difficult to get."

"Don't lie, Damon," Jasper gave me the look. "At least this will be fun." A slow grin of evil anticipation lit his face as we headed our separate ways to do the tasks we'd assigned ourselves. But first, I think I need to shower. I can't go into class smelling amazingly manly like I do now, it might kill the poor souls of my students. It is rather amazing that the little pests have survived my sexiness so far, but I'm not one to complain. The thing is, if they are becoming immune to it, and they're obviously going to marry people in that high school, a new generation in Sporks, I mean Forks, will come more immune. And then they'll marry each other and over and over until there's going to be a brand new generation of humans here that are completely unaffected by me. That is an extremely worrying thought.

I mean, if they are immune to my undisputed sexiness, and I am sure we can all agree that I am the pinnacle of male attractiveness, then they will of course end up being asexual. That means no reproduction, which means that everyone will die and there will be no people. And no people means no food, which means I'm going to eat animals. And that means I'm gonna start liking Lady Gaga obsessively and grow square features! I don't wanna turn into Stefan!

"DAMON!"

"I need to be ugly," I shouted, panicking. Because even though Elena, misguided girl that she is, might prefer Stefan, I absolutely do prefer my own amazing self to his tormented, haunted-by-past-sins, guilt-ridden, do-good soul.

"Don't worry, you already are," Rose called out. Vampire hearing, I tell you. Everyone eavesdrops; it is just ridiculous.

"Ignore her," Alice rolled her eyes. "She's just in a bad mood."

"Oh. OH," I realized, understanding dawning upon me. "I'M SORRY YOU'RE THE ONLY FEMALE VAMPIRE WITH PMS, Rose!"

"SHUT UP, DAMON!"

"So I'm right?"

"No, it's physically impossible," Alice laughed nervously. "That's not what I meant."

"Sooo….Rose is in drag?"

"NO!" They yelled in frustrated unison. I wonder why; it's not like that was overly offensive, she does have the nose of a guy.

"Oh. OH. CONGRATULATIONS, ROSE AND EMMETT! I KNOW YOU'LL BE GREAT PARENTS!" Alice facepalmed, the gesture looking quite comical. I smirked wickedly, this time knowingly pushing Rose's buttons. Of course, I already knew that it was physically impossible for her to be having a baby, but there's no harm in a little fun.

"You idiot," Alice hissed, glaring at me. "Don't mention children, mothers, or pregnancy in front of Rose."

"Will she turn into the Hulk if I do?" I wondered. "Because if those are her trigger words, then I want to see that happen."

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

I smirked. Today was going to be an absolutely wonderful day. If, of course, the school doesn't get destroyed in the process and we all get out of here alive. I looked at Sapphire, Stefan, and Kol's faces. Suddenly, the odds seemed to pile up against me. It was a good idea in theory, but the theory did not actually involve me getting possibly hurt and maimed in multiple and excruciatingly painful ways. Because that's what I know they were promising me as they glared. I know it. And I'm not just being paranoid now. I outgrew that phase a long time ago.

"Hello, class," I grim widely at them. Maybe if we're in a public place they won't kill me. Because I know it would be hellishly hard to cover up a dismembered body of a vampire and about twenty students who saw the crime happen. Well, I don't know from experience, but theoretically, it would be hard to get rid of that kind of trauma.

_Wow, look at you sounding all intelligent. _

_ Wow, look at you being all helpful. _

_ Wow, look at you. I can't believe I'm trapped in such a hideous vessel of flesh._

_ Wow. Says the being with no real body. I can see your gratitude spilling out._

_ Wow, look at you and your cute little comebacks. _

_ Wow, look at the thing named after a keyboard. _

_ Wow, it would hurt more if you could actually use a computer._

"Are you okay?" Stefan asked someone who was coughing. I looked over; it was Sapphire. She can't fool me with that act, though. Vampires don't get sick, even if she's….well I don't even know what she is. Let's just go with freak of nature vampires. Not like Stefan. Better than Stefan.

"No," she groaned, holding her stomach. "I feel sick…Am I breaking out in a rash? Because I feel like I am." She frantically scratched at her arms, looking around with wide eyes.

"Are you allergic to anything?" Stefan demanded. My brother, he is so brilliant, isn't he? A vampire being allergic to something, I rolled my eyes. Common sense was important, but it appears that I was born with all of it.

"Yeah…there's so much stupidity in this room that it's actually affecting me." She straightened up and glared at me, still scratching the side of her arm. See, now I can't tell if she's lying or not, because obviously, she should be, but she's still itching her arm.

"Which is why you're here. Class, please welcome our special guests," I said to the stunned students, gesticulating towards Stefan, Kol, and Sapphire. Oh, this was going to be so entertaining. "I'm Mr. Salvatore, that's Miss Roger," I coughed loudly, "soon to be Mrs. Mikaelson-," I coughed again, hoping she hadn't heard that. No luck, because of course she had the supernaturally amazing hearing of a vampire. Whatever the hell she actually was.

"That is my brother," I pointed at Stefan, "the less cool version of me. And that is the Mr. Mikaelson, or soon to be Mrs. Roger," I pointed at Kol, who nearly snarled at me. Ha, this is going to be such fun. He can't reveal the secret, because Original or not, there's no way he can compel all these kids. And if he did, Sapphy would totally kick his ass. She's my homie, after all.

"So we're going to be dealing with an incredibly important topic today," Sapphire broke in. Yes, I'll let her teach a bit. Kol can provide enrichment too, considering he's lived through a good portion of the history we're covering.

"What is it, gorgeous?" Poor douchebag doesn't know what he's getting into, flirting with her like that. Not only is Sapphire going to kick is ass, but so are Kol and I.

"Sex ed. And I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole, you walking sack of venereal diseases," she smirked, glaring at the offender. I laughed...and then realized-WAIT WHAT? Despite my amazing sexual prowess, I really don't think that it's the best idea to be teaching this in class. I could, but I don't know...Stefan's in the room. Dear, sweet, precious Stefan, perfectly pure and virginal. I don't think I could corrupt him like this.

Wait. Yes I can. I'm Damon Freaking Sex God Salvatore. Watch out, teenagers, you're gonna learn a lot.


End file.
